Older mums on baby number 1?

[Lindalove]

Looking for other mums who are like me - 38 years old, expecting number 1 baby. Mine is due in April 2015 but less bothered about that, really just interested in how older mums with perhaps established careers, jobs, social lives, etc etc are going to cope - especially if like me, they have NEVER changes a nappy in their life! EEK.
I'm based in London and will be off to UCLH.

Hi there - I'm also 38, don't live in London anymore (Oxfordshire now) but am also expecting my first in April! Feeling as sick as a dog at the moment. Sounds like you're feeling apprehensive about the change this baby's going to bring about. Are many of your friends parents or are you the only one? Most of mine are now so I don't have that dilemma. As for the career aspect, what do you do? I used to work in the City as a recruiter in investment banking but changed tack to build up something that would suit family life better. I'm now a career coach which I absolutely love and its been tough getting it off the ground (still not quite there yet), financially we've taken a backstep but in the long run, we'll be quids in. We've moved to a new town so I know no-one but join your local NCT group. I know everyone raves about how much of a support network they gain from doing this. Loads of my friends have made friends for life that way too. As for the nappy changing, I have done that as I have nieces and a nephew but they're all grown up now so it's been about 14 years since I did it! Seriously, its no sweat. If I managed it regularly at 16, you'll be fine. Hubby has 2 boys and is REALLY squeamish and he always maintains that when it's your own, you just do it. You don't mind.

I am apprehensive yes, as not really a maternal person - I'm interested in having a baby of course but more as an adventure than because I feel the need to have more people to love..?

I used to work for major media companies as a digital developer (I make apps, websites etc, and do digital strategy) but got so sick of the politics went freelance until I found a start-up whose ethos I believed in. They'll be really supportive re work/life so no problems there I don't think. I have to stay in London in my line of work anyway but also love London and think it can be a great place for kids you just have to protect them especially in their teens.

I just work with some really bright, fun guys and girls and worry my brain will turn to mush I guess/ I'll just spend my whole time discussing prams come April. I know that sounds awful and is probably totally wrong and unfair on mums in general, but being a independent person/ very careerist and creative-focused is such a big part of my identity I'm not sure/ am perhaps scared about what sort of mum I guess I will be. I want to be an inspirational and interesting one, mainly, as well of course one who provides security and love. But I doubt I will be a mum that bakes for example (though I do knit...). I expect very much to get quite bored being at home for the first 6 months (and expect to be back at work by then).

Sorry to hear you've been feeling sick - I avoided that, but was very tired between weeks 8-9. This week my energy has returned and TBH despite the odd tummy twinge and bulbous belly feel no different to normal (except I miss a glass of wine terribly!). I'm apprehensive about my week 12 scan simply because of the slightly increased Downs risk, though my midwife said at 38 I didn't need to worry that much, its post-40 when the risks really start to rise (apparently).

Good to hear nappy changing isn't a big deal. I must say I was holding out, as if I must look at poo, I'd rather it be my baby's than someone elses...

I'm 40 and expecting my first child on Christmas Day (or thereabouts)! Most of my initial concerns re being an older Mum were about the medical risks, but now I'm through the 12 and 20-week scans with no cause for concern, I'm enjoying the pregnancy more. I may find when I go to my first NCT class in October that other mums-to-be are younger than me, but I'd be surprised if there weren't at least some in their late thirties.

Maybe it will be more of a shock to the system as we've had more time to get stuck in our ways, but we've also had more time to work out what we do/don't want out of life and where we want the work/family balance to lie. For me, this is probably my one and only child, and I'm hoping to take as much time off work to look after it as we can afford, financially.

The healthcare professionals don't seem unduly bothered by my age, so I'm not going to be either. You're as old as you feel/age is just a number etc etc. Everything will be fine!

Hey SueL1 congrats on a Christmas baby! How marvellous. And so good to hear you made it throughs scans at 12 and 20 weeks all well.

Agreed re the work/life balance. I think for me its about work/hobby/family balance as I work one day a week making music/ recording and playing in a band and really want to keep that up too if I can.

Its massively relaxing and creative for me and I hope to get inspiration too from the baby too. I had a friend who had a young baby who was in my band and she used to feel terribly guilty when she was away from the baby even for one night as considered her music as a fun hobby she shouldn't be leaving her baby for. Personally I think anything that helps you stay calmer and be a better mum generally has to be a good thing. Its things like that that make me slightly concerned I think. I mean, a few hours away from your baby a week can't make you a bad mum can it? If baby is then spending time with dad.

41, expecting DC1 in Dec (13th) - because of my age they've put me on the consultant care pathway, with 2 growth scans (28 and 34weeks) and say that they will induce on my due date. Other than that I've had a v normal pregnancy so far (touch wood).
I haven't had what you might call a career so far - worked for 1 company all my working life, planning to take max poss time off and perhaps go back part time. We are comfortable financially - mortgage well within our budget, plenty of savings, no debts, which makes planning less stressful. Worries include will we have enough energy to run around after the child, how much longer will our parents (and my granny) be around to be an influence, what sort of network of support will we have. How to change a nappy is probably the least of the worries :)
My (our) hobbies of playing in an orchestra, going on sociable group bike rides, etc. might be taking a back seat for a while but I am sure that we will work out a way to get back to them, and hopefully involve the sprog in some way. They must be able to get a benefit from having older parents somehow.

I was 43 when I had my first (and last ) child - like Taura we were in a good financial position so that I did not have to return to work - my choice. I used my skills in all sorts of voluntary roles which kept my brain active and meant I met lots of different people.

I also agree with keeping up your own hobbies and interests - make sure you don't become one of those mothers who won't allow the child's father to be fully involved in caring. I used to schedule in plenty of time to do what I wanted - leaving DS with DH.

Hi, I'm 38 and expecting in Nov (when I'll almost be 39 ) and this is our 1st child. Having always said that I never wanted children, it came as a bit huge of a surprise to everyone when we told them I was expecting , but then again, sometimes things happen and you just change your mind about these things.

My DH and I are financially secure so, like Taura says, that's one less thing to worry about too much. But I'm definitely concerned about the energy levels we'll have to run round after bean...when it's 10, we'll be almost 50... Still, am sure there are advantages to being older I think. We've done loads of things we always wanted to do and will be able to share those experiences with bean later on.

I reckon I've been really lucky so far in that I haven't had any sickness, just bouts of tiredness around weeks 6-10 and then again round week 20-24. Now reached week 30 and am beginning to feel a bit more uncomfortable and am really looking forward to when I finish work in 5 weeks and 5 days time! The biggest thing I've had to get my head around is the fact that I have absolutely no control over the changes my body has gone / is going through (and considering I am a slight control-freak) this has been tricky!

Good luck OP

Hi I'm 38 and due today, although if someone would like to let my baby know I would be grateful as she is not shifting! I'm also based in SE London.

I work in the City although enjoying maternity leave enormously. Do not underestimate how tired you will get towards the end of your pregnancy, I finished up at 36 weeks and it was honestly really hard work just travelling towards the end.

Also join NCT, we meet up a few times a week for moral support and it has been an invaluable support network.

I have had a pretty straight forward pregnancy (touch wood) and the only issue has been low iron which I have been taking supplements for. 38 isn't that old to have a baby, so the midwives tell me but if I want another one I probably need to get a move on!

I have never changed a nappy in my life, just recently held a baby for the first time! I'm going on the presumption that it will all work out! Good luck and congratulations!

I'm 37 and just had my first baby! Total career fanatic so it's a big change for me. My consultant told me I'm not an older mother at all! Women are having families later and later in life he says.

I am enjoying my maternity leave massively!!! I can't believe I can make plans without considering work. Spending every day with my gorgeous baby is fantastic! But, I need a timeout every now and then..... That's normal besides Dads like their own time with baby too.

I was terrified as I didn't know about nappies, routines, bathing etc! Let me tell you, you just learn. It's kind of instinctive. I can't explain it, but I very genuinely do not remember what I did with myself before he came along?! I'm tired a lot of the time - but I make sure I have time to go swimming and socialising etc. You'll find the right balance for you after a few months.

Finally make the most of Mother and Baby groups, I went to a few before I found the one I liked. It's great to be with other mums and talk baby experiences. It reminds you that you are not alone with teething, sleeping etc!

Good luck ladies!

Hi all, 42 and first baby due in Jan.

I am self employed in a professional career and am the main breadwinner in my family so won't be having much time off. I didn't think I was that maternal either and have approached having a baby as a kind of project - I've done some research on some of the important things but appear to be healthy so I'm not concerned with worrying myself about some of the more esoteric things that may or may not happen or what the baby/I should be doing/feeling at any given stage of the pregnancy.

I'm also not making any plans for the birth, breast feeding, routines, sleeping plans etc - what will be will be and therein lies disappointment and guilt. I shall see what happens and what seems right/works at the time.

I am lucky to have a self employed DP who works fewer hours than me so am assuming he will take up the slack . I will have no problem with handing over the bean whenever I need to - for work or pleasure - and don't anticipate my brain turning to mush (hopefully!).

I can't say that I haven't been worried at times - there has been a bit of tension around scans, worries about Downs and, more recently, now the bean is squirming, worries over quiet days but nothing too extreme. What will be will be and worrying is not going to change anything.

I feel very lucky that things have worked out - good luck to everybody.

I'm 38, work in the City and had DD1 in May. I was always kind of ambivalent about babies and really wasn't sure if I'd spend my mat leave climbing the walls but so far it's been great. I've loved spending time with DD, who changes and does new and brilliant things every week, meeting retired relies (parents, uncle, Godmother), friends who are at home with kids (including new NCT friends), friends who work weekends and get weekdays off, etc. Have also managed quite a bit of household sorting out to make life easier when I go back to work in November (taking advantage of the fact that I'm home for deliveries, workmen, etc.).

I would say you'll likely be surprised how fast the time will go and how pleasantly.

The first few weeks will just be a blur trying to get the hang of sleeping, feeding and the after effects of labour. Definitely get in a box set of DVDs or two and some good books on kindle as you'll spend hours and hours feeding. But you should also be able to get out and there is loads you can do with a small baby, they are so portable. Look up which days your local cinema does Mum and baby screenings, think about who you can catch up with, etc. I also find DD is in a much better mood when we spend lots of time out: museums, art galleries, parks, cafes, etc. If you're lucky and have a baby who is not too colicky/refluxy it is pretty easy to get out (get a narrow light buggy and a sling and see what works): I don't think you'll get bored!

I think I have been lucky to have a relatively "easy" baby. Even so there are some grizzly days you'll get nothing done at all. But overall I've really enjoyed it and found "a change is as good as a rest" (and it's certainly not a rest!). I'm not really looking forward to going back to reality in November, as much as I enjoy my job. It has been lovely never having that knot in my stomach over an impossible deadline or difficult conversation looming!

Anyway, YMMV but definitely don't assume the worst, you may love it.

LT

Also: April is a brilliant time to have a baby, so you get summer off! I also recommend NCT. Luck of the draw, but in my group I was only the third eldest and everybody has interesting jobs and is planning to return to work (one has returned PT already).

Really great to hear everybody's expectant thoughts and actual experiences. I'm sure those who have already given birth will say that there's no anticipating how things will change until it happens. I agree that because we're older, we've had time to really think about what we want out of this and what we want for our child. My sisters were in their twenties when they produced and still didn't have the party bug out of their system. Don't get me wrong - still love a good party but the days of hanging out in bars every weekend (and weekdays) is over. That being said, I always have the analogy in my head of oxygen masks (when flying, they tell parents to put on their own masks before their child's): in order to have a happy child, mum has to be happy (obviously within reason!). You are def not a bad mother for not spending every single minute with your child. If there are two parents, the caring should be shared.

Good to hear that all NCT folks haven't all been young. I think that's my fear. I know support networks have been mentioned - my family is at least a 50 min drive away and I don't know a soul in our town as we've just moved so I'm crossing my fingers that my NCT group will be a good bunch who aren't all 21!

I guess I'm just worried about all the moralistic/competitive mums that exist (that I hear about from my friends) who think you're the devil incarnate unless you do everything by the book. Too much witch hunting goes on with mothers these days instead of a bit of solidarity.

Really great to hear us 'oldies' are not unusual. :)

Abi if it's any consolation I'm purposefully NOT picking up any book at all! I keep hearing about this woman called Gina Ford but from what I can tell, it all sounds like a flipping' boot camp regime than a way to bring up a baby...maybe just me getting the wrong end of the stick... I figure that I'm not stupid; I have a decent brain between my ears; and I trust my instinct....am sure it'll all go swimmingly

I'm 40, London based, expecting my first at the beginning of December. Pregnancy has been a breeze so far except for a touch of spd kicking in a few weeks ago. Midwife not bothered by my age at all.

I don't have much hands on experience of babies, but I've watched the majority of my friends and contemporaries pop them out over the last few years and picked up a few tips. Haven't done much reading, but we are signed up for NCT so I'll meet a few other local people who will have similar age babies for support. Really looking forward to a new experience. Most of my friends have proved to me that you don't have to turn into a dull, judgemental, frump with no outside interests just because you're a mum, so I'm not that worried about losing my sense of self (or rather I know that I'll eventually get it back after the first couple of years)!

I'm 36 and had first baby 17 days ago. In my other life I'm a corporate banker and have been for 13 years. I gad a straightforward pregnancy and birth (in fact I gave birth to a back to back baby with no pain relief which is pretty rare apparently!) so age doesn't equate to difficult pregnancy or birth. I too hadn't changed a nappy but once you've done it once, you know what to do! I'm finding things tough at the moment as DH has just gone back to work and I'm still finding my feet with everything. He's cute as a button but already looking forward to the 6 week mark when apparently things get easier.....

Ladies all of this advice is brilliant! Already feeling more confident.
I do think it's easier to do things 'your way' when you're older as you're less bothered by what others think/say. I can't be arsed 'competing' with other mums, as gave general competition up ages ago - I'm very ambitious , but for myself & my definition of success (which is creativity led ).

Yes I think you're right: lots of advantages to being an older Mum. It's different, not worse.

And as for competitive Mums, I may be lucky but I haven't met any yet. Everybody is much more likely to say "isn't your baby amazing at smiling/dribbling/squeaking/sucking his toe" than "my baby is such a genius at soduku"

Agree with Abi - happy mum must equate to happy child and I know that I will not be one for having a baby permanently attached to me, never leaving it or not getting back into shape quickly. I value my cuffent identity too much. Although I recognise that that might all change once he arrives!

The one thing I am absolutely planning to do is get into a routine so that I know where I am. But it will be a routine that suits me, DP and the little one not something out of a book

Hi Linda. I'm 38, and expecting in April at UCH too. I also work in a tech start up in London. It was really interesting to read your post as I also am a bit concerned about the boredom of the first few months! I typically never sit still very long and I get bored very easily. Many of my friends have babies and young kids and those first few months look pretty hard work and very repetitive. Incidentally my 35 year old friend told me she was the youngest in her nct class .

I think a lot of the advice here is great and I intend to just do it my way. I can imagine the laptop is going to be a bit of a lifeline and I plan to get a good stash of DVDs and books in for those first few months. I'm also going to share caring with my hubby so that I can keep my hand in with the business. But we're going to work that out as it happens as I suppose it's going to depend on how long / if I can breastfeed.

I'm also nervous about the first scan (next week!) But I guess that's normal because of our age. Good luck with your scan and keep us updated!

Jo