Pregnant and husband is distant and tells me he doeant love me like he used to

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Help. Im reading that its common for husbands to change during pregnancy but im not sure if its the pregnancy or if he doesnt love me anymore. He cant talk or wont talk and feeling extremely alone. Im 27 weeks and there hasn't been any affection since becoming pregnant. No cuddles and seems disinterested in baby ie not wanting to attend antenatal or pregnancy photoshoot. What do yous think?

That's really sad. I really feel for you. Is this your first? Presumably he's freaking out. Is he able to talk to you about how he's feeling?

Hi ya, Congratulations on you pregnancy, exciting times!! I think people would say all guys react differently, some go distant, some go overprotective, there could be a number of reasons he may be worried he going to hurt you or the baby if he gets to physical, he may be overwhelmed by the whole thing and its all to much. You may have changed a bit now your pregnant not spending so much time out together or behaving in a different way.

You could try writing him a letter about how you feel, just writing down whats going on might help you think it over too, you could suggest a couples therapy session like relate (that normally motivates someone to sort out the communication because they realise its going to mean an hour sitting in a room with a weird therapist which is going to cost them money)

Most importantly though you have to resolve this if its making you unhappy as soon as possible and find a way to get support you need. He is very likely to be different after the birth but by then you might resent him a bit.

Hope it goes well xxxx

My OH was unusually quiet and distant around the same time in my pregnancy. I think the realisation of impending fatherhood and all the responsibility that carries sort of hit him all of a sudden. I don't think it is easy for men either. I know I've really struggled during pregnancy and almost definitely have not been so fun to live with. I also earn a good salary and life has always been quite easy for us and pretty fun - but despite saving, we are going to be relatively broke when I'm on maternity leave and our lifestyles are going to have to change. Not only this, but he wanted to change his career and start a business, but this all became too high risk the moment I got pregnant - so I think there was an element of him feeling trapped and upset that he hadn't changed his career sooner.
Try not to over think things, as you don't know what he is thinking for sure unless he tells you. Being distant or not affectionate doesn't necessarily mean he has fallen out of love with you. It may be that he is consumed with other worries which he doesn't want to burden you with.
My OH would not want to do a pregnancy photoshoot either - but this has nothing to do with how much he loves me/baby - it's just something that wouldn't appeal to him.
It would be good for you to tell your husband how you are feeling if you haven't.
I hope you feel better soon. Remember your hormones are probably making it all feel much worse than it really is.

Thank you to you both. So nice to be able to talk to someone. I don't want to trouble my friends and jeopardise how they view him if just a blip. Its our first. He has point blank refused relate which I think could save our marriage as he just wont talk to me. I guess its more confusing as hes wanted us to begin a family for many years now. I just want aome answers as I dont think this is what you when you love your wife? I needed him more than ever and feel massively let down. Getting upset isn't helping anything or baby and need some resolution soon. Thanks again x

He's told me that hes thought about the practicalities of ending it ie selling house etc. It feels more than hormones. Part of me thinks its what you described as being 'trapped' and I dont get how this can suddenly appear when he wanted a family.So confconfusing but until he talks I will never know. I dont think I can stick it for much longer though its been months and not improving and I need my sanity and to concentrate on the arrival of our baby.

The feeling trapped can suddenly appear. I have had moments of panicking and feeling trapped throughout this pregnancy, despite spending the last 5 years dreaming about starting a family and desperately wanting to be pregnant. Maybe he's feeling guilty for this, as he has wanted this so badly, and now it's here, he is not so sure?
Have you asked him direct questions and he is refusing to answer? That's really really hard if that's the case. If he truly is refusing to speak about things, maybe writing things down as Rachel suggests might be a good idea? I find writing helps me work through and clarify what I'm really feeling. Maybe suggest a few options of how you might move forward and ask that he choose one of these?
Sending big virtual hugs.

Iv asked directly about things via text as I seem to get a response that way. Iv asked about feeling pushed out due to baby and if hes fallen out of.love with me. He's said no to both but that we've drifted apart but hes unsure why. We were meant to be trialing for a month and its been me trying taking him to a spa suggesting nights out and date nights in. I get nothing in return.

Thanks for the hugs....its been a long time since iv had one so virtual is nice

It sounds like he's in a bit of a panic. Becoming a parent feels like (and is!) such a big deal, plus people cannot help reminding first-timers just how much life is going to change for the worse.

But isn't it hugely likely that things will change for him once the baby arrives and a combination of love and practicalities take over? You're set on a path anyway, so it might help you to think that it will all turn out fine rather than be set off on your own panic in response to his.

That shouldn't mean that you have a tough old 3 months before the birth, but a plan b is in order. How can you enjoy your pregnancy regardless of this hiccup? Might it be an idea to tell a couple of your best-placed friends that you could do with a bit of extra love and support? You don't have to 'betray' him, but can tell them off the record that he's freaked and gone quiet. Get one of them to come to the photo shoot as your stylist if it's something that you're very keen to do.

As for the antenatal, if it was my OH, I might suggest that if he didn't want to come, I would choose another birth partner and go with them instead. But I'm a bit petulant like that!

You sound like you're dealing with it quite cooly and I hope it all works out well in the end.

My husband point blank refused to come to all the antenatal appointments (there are so many-he just did the scans) and hell would have frozen over before he agreed to a photo shoot. Men are simple creatures (my husband especially....science and maths background) and he needs to see something tangible before he accepts it. As a result, he's become much more involved as time goes on, the bump grew and it became real to him. He's even quite vocal about how he feels society dictates how he SHOULD feel, even refusing to discuss at NCT how he thinks he'll feel during and post birth because he doesn't want to label it or feel disappointed if he then feels differently.

I would suggest NCT as I think it was good for him to meet some fellow Dads. I'm not sure of our situation but we're the first out of out friendship group to have children (we're 32-33!!) and I think that freaked him out a bit too.

I'm sure it will be fine. Maybe just relax and spend time together as a couple without talking about the baby for a few weeks and see how you reconnect as a couple?

Not wanting to attend antenatal or a photo shoot wouldn't strike me as odd. I don't want to attend those either! Being distant, saying he has fallen out of love, and thinking about selling the house suggest to me there is more going on here than normal parental angst.

In your shores I'd call his bluff. Tell him if he wants out to go, and let you focus on yourself and the baby rather than his distant behaviour. At best he's being a thoughtless unsupportive selfish child. At worst he's checking out. Either way he needs a kick up the backside to make a decision.

Don't be tempted to make excuses for him.

I agree saying things about selling the house when your 6 months pregnant is very unfair. I can imagine this is very upsetting.

Your married which is a good, so if he does want to leave he has to divorce you which will mean he will be forced to provide for you and the child for the foreseeable future. He cant force the sale of the house when you are pregnant even if he stopped paying the mortgage it would take well over a year for the bank/him to do anything about selling it so your home is safe. He also have a legal and moral obligation to support you and the child financially and otherwise whether he decides to leave or not. This means if he is having a big panic about becoming a dad then its too late he cant just leave it now the deed is done the baby is coming he is going to have to be a dad whether you separate or not.

Imagine you had put your child in his stomach and were now doing this to him!

I picked up your post because I had a very similar experience to this. We were living separate lives in the same house by the time the baby came. When my son was born he reverted back to his old self, wanted me, wanted the baby but it was too late. I resented him too much. We separated when my son was 6 months (hes 14 now and I remarried and had more kids and it all turned out well) So even a strategy of waiting for him to grow up could still spell the end of your marriage.

I hope you start resolving the issue soon, or a least feeling a little more control of it xxxxx

The whole 'selling house' was because I called his bluff and opened up what he'd been thinking. Now hes back tracking after I sent him packing for a night and says weve lost the 'spark' and drifted apart. I had very bad sickness first 4 months which was tough so things would have massively changed. I guess it just would be nice for man to once think hiw the woman feels....iv seemed to get on with it while he whines about it. We're going away soon so that will be the tester I think. Fully understand how you wiuld resent his actions Rachel if its not sorted soon im heading the way. I feel quite calm as I know ill be fine on my own as im pretty much on my own now and I have a good job and a great mother. Just sad hes hurt me at my most vulnerable and for that it feels unforgivable.

DH has had to deal with me while I whined and complained and moaned so I don't bregrudge DH have a moan and a panic either. Sometimes I get on with it and sometimes he does while I whine. DH also refuses to do photoshoots and antenatal classes (I don't like them either. Find them pointless) he'd much rather spend time on his motorbike and doing work in the office - and this was during our first child, 5 other children later and he's still the same . He'd show an interest every now and then like scans and the occasional "hmm... I like that one/that name" as I browsed the web. However, he's an amazing dad, he just wasn't bothered about the pregnancy just like some women hate pregnancy but want and love their children.

And I hate people who say, "well I'm the one carrying the baby" as a way of dismissing their partners concerns and feeling so it's good that you are confronting him and trying to discuss things with him instead of leaving the situation to fester.

It's good that you called his bluff, I agree with PP who suggest writing letters and spending time as a couple without mentioning the baby (I had to do this with DC when he freaked out when I told him I was pregnant again, our first unplanned baby! Haha).

Good luck and hugs!

Go girl! Im so glad to hear that you are feeling quite calm and you have a positive outlook and are supported i really hope he gets a grip, sounds like he might be if hes backtracking already. Hopefully he will realise what a wally he has been soon.
xxxxxxx

I requested a C-section at 12 weeks, was told they'd give me a second opinion at 30 weeks. At 30 weeks I was given the Spanish inquisition by a locum doc at the hospital who -despite very good personal reasons and agreement from my GP and my gynaecologist that a section would be best for me- said "the only way you'll get one now is if you see a psychiatrist". Ive transferred my care.

pizzalegs I think you're in the wrong thread...

OP - I have no advice but sending you a smile and a hug :)