What do I do about my mum?

[fluffyslippers]

I have a dilemma that is causing me grief! I have not spoken with my mum for over 3 years, she and I always had a volatile relationship and she caused me so much hurt and stress my life has been better off (though it hurts me to say it) without her in it.
However, now I've found out I'm pregnant and I know at some point she will find out (and will need to know)
I still speak to my maternal grandfather and know that he will want to know, the problem is, as soon as he knows he will tell her. As soon as she knows she's going to turn up like a whirlwind in my life and I don't think I'm emotionally strong enough to handle it right now. I'm only 6 weeks, but because I've been quite ill and had an early scare most of the family know (apart from grandfather who is on the verge of thinking I have some serious illness). Do I tell him and ask him not to tell my mother (though he probably will anyway) or do I hide it as long as possible and let him think I'm ill?
I'm so confused as to what to do, part of me really wants 'a mum' right now, but I know 'my mum' is not what I need....
I realise you guys don't know my family and can't advise directly, but it makes me feel better sharing this when it's upsetting me so much.

I think you should give it a couple of weeks and see how you feel away from the drama of the early scare.

Tell him and ask him not to tellh er, or at least tell ihm you dont need her interfering at this time.

cx

A lot of people wait till the first 12 weeks are passed before announcing it. I didn't but you could say later that you were waiting till then before letting people know. It seems to be quite a common thing to do so I don't think you'll risk offending them.

I have a similar situation in my family although I'm not directly involved. I dont think its fair to ask you grandfather not to say anything to her as this is compromising their relationship and could result in more bad feeling. Its almost like asking him to take sides which is hard when the choice is his daughter or grandaughter. Perhaps you could reassure your grandfather that you arent dying, that you had some "womens problems" and that you are ok and leave it at that at least for a few weeks.

Completely unrealted to the above situation I havent spoken to my father for 7 years.. he is a complete waste of space and I know I am better off without him. My parents have been divorced for 22 years but my mum still thinks that I should maybe tell my dad that I am pregnant. Now the way I see it is that he hasnt been much of a father to me so he isnt likely to be a good grandad and regardless of that I really wouldnt want to have any contact with him. He walked out of my life when I was only a toddler, and then again when I was 19, and has never tried to get in contact, not even a xmas card so he really isnt the sort of person that I would want in my babys life..

Apologies for the ramblings xxx

I think I'd agree with sssandy, that you can certainly get away with not telling him - and so your mum - until 12 weeks. And I also think you should. In a few weeks time you'll be feeling a bit more settled about the whole thing, and a bit more able to cope with whatever your family throw your way.

I'm in a similar situation, although far less extreme (my mother has never been much of a mum to me, I look after her more) and I've found it really hard, not just because of the pregnancy hormones, but there is also something about being pregnant which means that you do really want 'a mum' to look after you. So you need a bit of space to think this through - and also to work out some strategies (both emotional and practical) to deal with your mum when she does turn up.

So give yourself a bit of time to get over the rollercoaster of the start, you need to look after yourself and your child far more than any other member of your family. take care - and congratulations!

I know exactly how you feel. I can only tell you what I did, and how it panned out.
I think you can tell your grandad (after 12 weeks) and let him tell her if he wants. Just be careful to hold your ground with regard to letting her be involved in your life.

I just dealt with it by realising I honestly needed to do what was best for my babys and my health. That meant not getting in touch with my mum- she has an effect on me that raises my blood pressure and I have panick attacks at the thought of communicating with her. That is NOT what I needed during a pregnancy. That way it was relatively easy for me to deal with the guilt of not contacting her. In a sense the decision was taken out of my hands- there was no way I was going to compromise my health and peace of mind. Now Im approaching 40 weeks, and for me at least, it was the right decision. Ive managed to avoid the "whirlwind" that you describe. I havent allowed her to bring any upset into my life. Remember, you are probably the most vulnerable that you`ll ever be during a pregnancy.
So, just to let you know that if you decide not to involve her in your pregnancy, its not going to be the end of the world, and it will probably turn out to be the best for you. The key here is to eliminate stress.

I'm now 35 weeks and although it's not directly relevant, I grieved a lot in the first 4 months for not having a Mum (she died when I was 12, but I really felt in those early months that I needed one) but that it has got a lot easier as the pregnancy has progressed - maybe I'm more able to cope with the hormones now, I certainly feel emotionally less unstable. I'd buy yourself some time and not commit either way for a bit longer!

Message withdrawn

It didn't tell either of my parents (seperated) until I was almost 4 months. I'm now absolutely sure this was the right thing to do, and though I was feeling guilty about it now I don't at all. I probably don't have the worlds worst parents, but they were a long way from "good parents". I think pregnancy has brought up a lot of anger towards my own parents, all I can say is I try to recognise where they went wrong and visualise myself being a wonderful mother.

I have made a decision not to have my father involved in my childs life - ever. He has caused me too much stress and grief and I feel that as a parent it's my duty to protect my child, so he won't have anything to do with her. I no longer feel any guilt. I've spoken to him about it, and explained that I'll call him once every six months, but he is never to call me or try to see me. It's taken me a long time to get to this point, but I've realised he was a horrid parent - and I don't owe him anything. I've told him if he can't respect my choice, then I think it's best we have no contact at all. I think it's best not to have this toxic person in my life. Sorry for the rambling... your not alone!