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Pregnancy

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Original poster

Argghhh MIL strikes again!!

23 replies

Elizabeth120914 · 14/08/2014 20:50

Had a terrible few days, midwife has mucked up and a big scare about the growth of the baby resulting in my having to go to hospital today and being in floods of tears hysterical yesterday at the dr because of my useless midwife.

Anyway OH told MIL last night and she demanded to come to hospital with me today. We aren't close and she's like a steam roller. The only person I wanted was OH so he told her i was ok on my own. I was scared and upset she isn't remotely mumsy and I don't feel comfortable with her sat with my consultant or being involved in decisions about the baby if it had been bad news.. This morning once he had gone to work she got FIL to call at 6.30 am I ignored it.

Well tonight she's phoned and basically had a go at me for not letting her come and she's in a right mood. OH is saying I should have let her come.. Why exactly should I? It's my medical appointment I'm fuming I've just said to OH would he want my mum at his intimate examination he's says no. Really biting my lip I could say soooo much right now it's like she's emotionally blackmailing and I don't think it's at all appropriate.

She's already tried to be at the baby coming home from hospital and taking time off work to be home with me I'm quite upset and frankly feel bullied all though it's lost on OH..

I feel like an incubator no one is caring how I am all she's interested ins the baby. I'm now signed off with terrible back pain she hasn't offered to do shopping or help with step daughter she just wants baby related things to me it's not help or support..

What does everyone think..?

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Seriouslyffs · 14/08/2014 20:59

She sounds awful- and I rarely join in on mil bashing threads. Mines ok and I can usually see wrong on both sides in these situations.
But not here. Did DP go with you? Do you think perhaps he was pushing her to go because he felt bad about not being there?
I'd ask her for practical help (shopping, perhaps a couple of hours with dsd) but stay strong about privacy and time as a small family once the baby is born.

Original poster

Elizabeth120914 · 14/08/2014 21:03

He couldn't come he had to work. I don't have a relationship with my mum which at times like this is terrible enough without her trying to force her way.

I'm sat now thinking I should have given into keep the peace but actually at 32 feel bullied as stupid as I feel saying it.

She doesn't see anything but the baby hasn't been interested in me and how sick I've been throughout even when I had terrible morning sickness it all baby and feels like control that's what's upsetting me!

OP posts:

Cyclebump · 14/08/2014 21:11

It's a medical appointment, not a spectator sport. She needs to learn some boundaries and butt out or this will end badly when the baby comes.

Original poster

Elizabeth120914 · 14/08/2014 21:19

I don't get where she gets this sense of entitlement from! On the phone she said ' I thought I was coming' I heard OH tell her when I was in the bath no but he would
Check with me. She was never coming it's bizarre.. Maybe I'm hormonal but it's making me feel really uneasy about when the baby is here. More so that OH is seeing it as her being nice - don't know how he's doing that!!

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Septbaby · 14/08/2014 22:01

Really feel for you, my MIL is being nowhere near as bad but still seems to be driving me mad with her little interferences, the best way I've found to speak to husb about it is when I'm not all worked up after a particular 'event' but to sit down when there is no tension and just mention how it's been making me feel, he seems to be understanding my point as it's not in the heat of the moment, that's the best advice I can give and just that I hope it gets easier for you

Original poster

Elizabeth120914 · 14/08/2014 22:11

I try to do it in a light hearted manner but he doesn't get it. He knows what she's like but he can say no/ lot harder for me!! She's awful with step daughter for ranting saying she's
My grand daughter blah blah she can forget trying that. Just can't believe she thinks she wounded what about me?!!

OP posts:

UML · 14/08/2014 22:22

Boundaries take a long time to build and just as much effort to mantain sometimes.

Just mentally prepare yourself that she is going to always be a bit like this and think about how you can minimise her impact on you.

Your husband probably has born the brunt of her steam rolling over the years, which mummy's always do with a bit of emotional blackmailing and/or trying to induce guilt trips - and maybe he is just used to letting her have her own way to avoid rocking the boat. So he will not be used to dealing with her and setting boundaries with his wife.

You can either let your husband deal with it, and if will be a bit of a drawn out process, or you can just be assertive and totally open with her yourself - in both cases you will have to be strong.

It is better to sort things out and set boundaries before the baby comes, it is very difficult to do this when you hAvd just had a baby and are tired and even more emotional.

I agree with septbaby, talk about it with your husband when you are calm, get your points across and communicate firmly. And consider it may take time for your husband to understand properly - it can be v difficult to deal with a controlling mother.

Lalalax3 · 14/08/2014 22:51

You need to get your husband on board 100% with you or this woman will just get worse and worse. We cut my DH's mother out of our lives last year (not a decision taken lightly, trust me, it came after catalogue of awful things, relating to manipulation, threats from her etc) but before that it was a constant battle between her perceived idea of things and the way things actually were, she absolutely would not budge once she got an idea in her head. Luckily my husband and I have always had a united front, despite her very best efforts to divide and rule!

Lozmatoz · 15/08/2014 03:22

I'd show your OH your post. It's easier to communicate in writing sometimes

ColdCottage · 15/08/2014 03:43

Think you should also read Rosebear's thread, and get OH to too.

ColdCottage · 15/08/2014 03:44

Thread

How can I ever forgive my mother in law.

Original poster

Elizabeth120914 · 15/08/2014 06:11

Will do! Thanks all feel so pathetic I'm quite a strong personality but feel like I'm being steam rollered! I'm off work now so hoping she doesn't start pestering me in the day ...

OP posts:

Original poster

Elizabeth120914 · 15/08/2014 06:39

Can't find the thread can anyone post a link?

OP posts:

Tilpil · 15/08/2014 07:22

The only way is for you and your dh to have a united front even if he doesn't agree with you in front of them/ to them he needs to 100% agree and maybe discuss behind closed doors after or before.
We cut my mil out for most of last year due to her behaviour she is now respectful and asks if we need help and she won't ring for an argument as we both politely tell her to F off

ColdCottage · 15/08/2014 07:53

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2159292-How-can-I-ever-forgive-my-mother-in-law

ColdCottage · 15/08/2014 07:55

I am a strong person and was worried about losing this strength in labour as that is what people say - I didn't. You will be fine. Just speak to your OH and remember you are a team.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 15/08/2014 08:30

You need to sort this out before baby arrives as it will get 100 times worse. And DH needs to support you.

MaryWestmacott · 15/08/2014 08:43

Sooner or later, you are going to have to have a big row with mil, so get it out of the way now, your DP won't do it, you need to, call her up, tell her you are very upset at her behaviour, you are not one of her children and this was a medical appointment for you, you are not just an incubator for her grandchild and she needs to understand she crossed a boundary now- because you won't be having these arguments when the baby arrives.

Original poster

Elizabeth120914 · 15/08/2014 10:17

marywestmacot that sounds about perfect. Feeling alot stronger now I've finished work and had a good nights sleep.. It's been a really bad few days. She hasn't won with one thing since I got pregnant but it goes on and on no matter how much I say no!

I have retrieved my key from her house so she can't get in here. I didn't apologise last night on the phone I let her go on and ignored I was just upset after.

Everytime I say no there's a funny atmosphere then it goes back to normal but I'm sick of it! The last strop was because I wouldn't let her buy the pram at 12 weeks, choose the nursery furniture and come to the 20 week scan!!

As I've posted before she missed the first 5 years of her other grabs daughter and her upbringing is far from desirable so she thinks this is her chance! OH keeps saying she's just excited she's never had it before NEITHER have I and at 32 this may well be my only too!

FIL is quiet but he enables her by agreeing he won't dare front up to her either it's a nightmare. She is very scary and intimidating he puts her shoes on for her she's all about control and getting her own way there will be such a kick off!

OP posts:

ColdCottage · 15/08/2014 11:39

Did the link help when you showed DH what might happen?

Original poster

Elizabeth120914 · 15/08/2014 11:51

No he's oblivious doesn't think there's a big problem.. He thinks I'm hormonal and she means well. Not sure how hard to push it because we are going to fall out too :(

OP posts:

MaryWestmacott · 15/08/2014 14:25

Well, another thought, could you ask her to go for a coffee this weekend, just you and her, and say that you want to clear the air, but you are upset she doesn't understand the boundary she crossed, that you aren't her child, it was a medical appointment and does she realise she's acting like you are just providing her with a grandchild, not treating you like another adult with feelings and perferences?

Tell her that you are worried, because your friend "Sarah" had similar issues with her mother in law, that in the end, it came to a head and "Sarah" only coped with her MIL's lack of boundaries by cutting contact, she doesn't see her MIL anymore, or talk to her on the phone, and as her baby is breast fed, that means the MIL has only seen her 9 month old DGC 4 times at various family events and doesn't know any detals of her DGC's life. That you don't want things to get that bad, so you're going to talk to her now about what you are prepared to do, and while you know she's excited about becoming a grandmother again, she must realise that you are the parents, and if she interfers too much, you're going to end up falling out and you really don't want that.

Really, it's worth giving the veiled threat, give her a warning as nicely as you can, because the alternative is having a big family fall out. If you can avoid it, best you do.

Original poster

Elizabeth120914 · 15/08/2014 15:05

I was wondering that.. She doesn't work Fridays but I'm too mad today. I need to take dsd for her school uniform so might ask her if she wants to come then when I drop dsd off have a word that way she's not forearmed with what's coming! Even her friends have told her Infront of me that's she's grandma not mum but doesn't seem to be sinking in.

She wants baby to show round her friends but I don't know them they aren't coming here and I'm not letting her take my new born baby anywhere! She's got a load of clothes at her house not sure why she wot give them to me cos again it's not happening could shoot OH this is his job! If it was my mum I'd just say back off but she's not involved like the link story above it's me vs all of them!

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