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Original poster

Miscarriage help needed..... Please

15 replies

jdm2608 · 11/08/2014 21:30

Hi,
On Saturday I had a miscarriage. I didn't even know I was pregnant. I have very irregular periods, I can go up to 6 months without a period. So on Saturday morning when the bleeding and cramps started I assumed it was my period (I normally have a very heavy flow). At 4 pm I was in agony so I went to a&e where I discovered I was pregnant and I was miscarrying. I was 9 weeks gone.
I called into work yesterday and today. Both times leaving a message and saying it is personal and I will speak to them when I'm back. Do I need to disclose this.... I feel like a fraud being devastated about a baby I never knew exsisted. I don't deserve nor want the pitying looks I know I am going to get. Whilst I feel ok (still cramping and bleeding) I'm a mess. I just don't know what to do. I can't face work tomorrow. Sorry I think I just needed to rant.
Thank you

OP posts:
Taffeta · 11/08/2014 21:36

I am so sorry for your loss.

Please be kind to yourself. If there is a trusted boss at work you can tell briefly then you will hopefully find some sympathy and they will leave you alone for a while.

When I had my miscarriages, I found when people knew they were very kind.

OneLittleToddleTerror · 11/08/2014 22:19

I think you have to explain why you are off work. It is common curtesy. Or least say it's a medical emergency and you ended up in a&e? No lies but allow them to understand it is not a trivial medical issue. How many days do you plan to be off? You might need a sick note.

Though on the other hand, when I had my miscarriage last year that ended up in a&e and erpc, I just told my boss I was sick. It was a Friday and I planned to go back on Monday. But I get the feeling you want to be off for longer. (I had two MC last year. The first one I didn't take time off since I didn't need an operation).

OneLittleToddleTerror · 11/08/2014 22:21

Oh missed the bit you are already off for 2 days. You definitely should explain yourself. A I'm not feeling well or I have a really bad headache aren't going to cut it.

OneLittleToddleTerror · 11/08/2014 22:23

I don't want to sound horrible. I know you are feeling a mess. That's why it's important your manager/boss understands so he doesn't push for an explanation. Or asked you to explain the absence. Just tell him plainly you don't want the sympathy look, it's a shock, and you wanted to be left alone. He will understand.

Pico2 · 11/08/2014 22:26

You're not a fraud - you can only feel what you feel. I'm sorry that you are going through this.

Bear in mind that they won't know that you didn't know as lots people don't tell others about pregnancy until 12 weeks, so your sense of being a fraud won't register with others.

One of my colleagues had a miscarriage earlier in the year. I haven't noticed anyone giving her pitying looks. We were probably reasonably sensitive around her for a while, but that was it.

You could just describe it as a gynea emergency. That would generally stop further enquiries, particularly from men. But if you do need to tell someone, then you can always tell them that you want it to remain confidential.

OneLittleToddleTerror · 11/08/2014 22:37

A gynae emergency sounds like a good idea. It is not a lie and definitely men work ask further. I'm assuming your boss is a man ofc.

Kelbells · 11/08/2014 22:54

I'm so sorry that you're going through this - it must be a huge shock! I had a mc at 10 weeks a couple of years ago and I would just caution you in being too honest depending on your position at work. My career was definitely affected in the time after I told them - definitely not legal but not something I can prove... Certain things that I was promised to happen didn't, presumably because they felt I was planning a family - my performance hadn't changed... So just a cautionary tale, there's no need to tell them exactly - women's issues or a gynae problems should suffice. Having said that, it was good having the support at the time, so if you're not worried about your career being affected I'd definitely tell them personally! Hope that helps x

HopefulHamster · 11/08/2014 23:16

I agree with Kelbells, or at least that what you say should depend on your boss and career. Surely you can get a doctor's note for gynae issues, or say you had severe bleeding due to a gynae issue?

If you have a supportive workplace, tell them the truth, but if not, work out if there's another option. I think it's a bit harsh to say if you're going to be off for three days you need to 'explain yourself'. They need to know you are genuinely ill but there are good reasons why you might want to keep a miscarriage private. Do what's right for you.

Sorry for your loss, btw, and you feelings are understandable regardless of when you found out you were pregnant. It's a big thing to get your head around.

Original poster
jdm2608 · 11/08/2014 23:41

Thank you ladies. I work for the dogs trust so my job is very physical and quite emotionally draining, so I guess it's only fair to let my manager know the exact reason I'm off. I'm quite be to the team and had 2 days off with a sickness bug recently so I'm just worried about that. Hopefully once the pain and bleeding stops I should be back to normal. At least then it will be over I guess :/

OP posts:
SunbathingCat · 11/08/2014 23:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Davidtennantmistress · 12/08/2014 07:30

Sorry I don't think you should explain yourself all you need to say is you are very sorry but you've had an episode of stress or personal ladies problems. I told my boss with my m.c last year but that was only as he was aware of the situation, and is now as well.

I'm so sorry for your loss, as my doctor said to others it may not have been real, but to you, it is, it was your baby.

MrsGingerbread · 12/08/2014 08:33

I am so sorry to hear about your loss jdm.

I lost a pregnancy (very early loss of a much wanted baby) in May. I needed a bit of time off to feel better - first physically and then emotionally.

I chose to tell my boss was very supportive. But for my certificate I asked my dr to not be too detailed. He put the medical term for bleeding on the certificate.

I then chose to tell a couple of colleagues who know me well. Everyone was very supportive and lovely.

Rockchick1984 · 12/08/2014 08:43

I'm sorry for your loss.

Bear in mind that pregnancy related sickness (including time off for miscarriage) doesn't count towards absence triggers so if you've already had time off recently and you're concerned then it may be worth telling the truth so it's not classed as another episode of sickness.

RiverRocks · 12/08/2014 09:01

So sorry for your loss jdm. My doctor offered me the option of an oblique reference to gynaecological issues on my sick note when I had a mc earlier in the year, but as Rockckick says, pregnancy related illness doesn't count towards your normal sickness record, so if that might be a problem, you are probably better being honest with them.

I told my bosses for this reason, and I told one of my colleagues because another one was pregnant and I needed the support, but other than that nobody else at work knows the real reason I was off.

HopefulHamster · 12/08/2014 09:05

JDM - sounds like you might be okay with the truth at work then, best of luck and hope you are feeling better soon - that's not quite right, I'm sure it will take time to heal physically and emotionally, but I hope it's as swift as can be.

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