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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Ashamed of my Bump

25 replies

FeelinBlu · 02/04/2004 16:19

Everytime my dh looks at my bump - it is one of abject horror. He can't believe how big its getting already, and I still have a good many weeks to go. He won't touch it or go near it or ask me how the baby or I am doing which makes me feel sad. The other day when I showed him the bump jumping up and down he actually recoiled in horror. I can't understand this as the baby was very much wanted and planned. I felt so jealous when I saw friends dh who was publicly displaying his affection for her bump. I also long to be pampered and made to feel special by my dh - instead he seems to make no allowances for me being pregnant and expects me to carry on as usual with all the chores and childcare. Is my dh the only one like this ?? Or will I have to wait until the end of my pregnancy?

OP posts:

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beansprout · 02/04/2004 16:33

Oh I'm so sorry to hear that. It's hard enough for us to adjust to our changing body shapes as it is, without those we need to support us the most finding it difficult too.

Does he know what it is that bothers him? Can you tell him how it affects you?

I bet you look fantastic - good luck (((hug)))

CountessDracula · 02/04/2004 16:41

The title of this thread made me want to cry Poor love, not surprised you're feeling blue. Have you asked him what the problem is?

Personally I think ALL bumps are beautiful.

emmatmg · 02/04/2004 16:56

My DH was a bit like this, he would never touch my bump through choice(I was 20+weeks with DS3 before he touched it) and would shudder with a load "EEUURRGGGHHHH" when my bump changed shape with the movements.
By the time we were on No. 3 I didn't mind so much but with DS1 it used to REALLY upset me, I would almost beg him to show an interest but he would only show it to please me on that occaision, never after spontaneously IYSWIM.
I LOVE being pregnant so once PG with DS3 I just relished every moment by myself knowing that he didn't really 'get it' and justt told him the important bits.

Sorry not much advice there but wanted you to know your DH isn't the only one

Northerner · 02/04/2004 16:57

My dh was pretty much the same. Our ds was very much wanted, but as soon as I started to show, dh was horrified at the way my body changed. This in turned made me feel pretty crap about myself. I am v slim (size 8) and had never had isssues with weight so for me to put weight on shocked him. My ds is now nearly 2 and dh fell in love with him instantly. He now admits what a t**t he was when I was pregnant, and he promises to cherish the miracle that it actually is next time around.

Slinky · 02/04/2004 16:57

DH was similar when I was pregnant with our 3. He didn't mind looking at it covered up, but if I lifted my top or tried to show him the baby moving about, he really didn't like it. Also never placed his hand on my belly when they were moving about - he said it reminded him of the film "Alien".

He never said I looked fat/whale-like and when the bump grew to being VERY LARGE, it didn't bother him in the slightest - he just didn't like to look at it "naked"/moving or touch it!

However, he did "pamper" me for 9 months - wasn't allowed to do anything round the house, particularly with No 1 as I was working as well. Bit more difficult with No 2 and No 3 because I obviously had to do things around the house with them, cooking/washing and stuff.

He would do the weekly food shopping/major house cleaning and would take the other kids out at weekends to give me a chance for some rest.

twiglett · 02/04/2004 17:47

message withdrawn

bossykate · 02/04/2004 17:51

LOL twiglett!

marthamoo · 02/04/2004 17:52

Oh you poor thing (((hugs))) You look in the mirror and repeat "my bump is beautiful and so am I and my dh is a silly a**e" as often as you want.

I don't suppose you can change how he feels - but I would say sit down and talk to him about how unhappy he is making you.

marthamoo · 02/04/2004 17:53

Twig, that is berilliant Have just emailed it to my bessie mate.

motherinferior · 02/04/2004 18:48

I'm really sorry. My dp wasn't wild about my bump and neither was I, come to that. But he did appreciate just how exhausted and appalling I felt; I so sorry, again.

zippy539 · 02/04/2004 19:36

Same thing here - dh only just managed to suppress his revulsion at my bump - couldn't stand it moving, HATED it touching him in bed. I was really hurt first time round but not so bothered second time because he'd proved that once the baby was out he was a really committed and helpful Dad! Sounds like your dh might be in shock/ denial - even though the baby was planned. Definitely speak to him and explain how sad you feel - and how you need some practical help. It might be that he wont be able to get over the mental barrier about your bump, but he hasn't got any excuse for not giving you practical help with housework etc.

eddm · 02/04/2004 20:56

Poor you, this is so sad. I found my own bump quite gruesome when it moved to be honest. But your dh does need to know how upsetting this is for you and that you need lots of cossetting.

TheCODfather · 02/04/2004 20:57

I dont like bumps a either

hate the hang it out brigade!

emmatmg · 02/04/2004 21:11

Stretch marks(and my dignity!) ruled me out of the hang it out brigade after DS1.

StripyMouse · 02/04/2004 21:24

oh, how sad. I had the opposite problem - my DH couldn?t keep his hands off me thanks to my new curves etc. - made me feel quite harrassed and fed up in totally different way.
I wonder.. perhaps it has got nothing to do with the way you actually physically look and more to do with what the bump represents. Even when a baby is very much wanted and planned, it doesn?t stop you or the father to be having worries and concerns - the bump is a constant reminder of all of those worries and so he could be recoiling at those issues, not at you or the baby IYKWIM. I know every time I looked in the mirror when I had a big bump it made me recoil in horror worrying how on earth I was ever going to "get it out of there". Equally when i could see my bump moving in a big way for the first time, I felt physically sick as it hit home (literally) that there was a living baby inside of me and very soon I was going to look after it, feed it, change it etc. etc. All very scary.
I would talk to him and be honest about how it makes you feel when he is so down on your figure, that you are feeling a bit wobbly too and need support right now, not pulling away - you are both in it together etc. etc. Tell him that you need help with practical things as well - sometimes men (well, my Dh for one) need the obvious spelling out when it comes to household chores and practical help. It used to drive me mad that my DH never ever washed up or cooked when we first got together - I put up with it and then finally threw it in his face when upset about something else. He was shocked - just presumed it was what I wanted as his mum never let him near the kitchen - we now share kitchen duties and he loves cooking. If he is still being unhelpful even after you have made it clear that you need it, then I would start getting tough!! Good Luck.

grumpyzebra · 03/04/2004 19:17

Does anyone remember the episode of X Files when we see Scully all bloated and looking like the aliens had inflated her tummy with something nasty -- of course, Gillian Anderson was merely pregnant. I didn't know that, though, I was horrified, too!

So I think it can be hard to get used to, have you pointed out to your DH how much your breasts have grown with it?

sweetkitty · 05/04/2004 22:35

aww what a sad message. My dp loves the bump now it's here he was even dancing with it at the weekend!

I think he found it hardest when I wasn't showing he would get annoyed with me sleeping all the time and my moods, now I look pregnant he is much more understanding and helpful.

((((((hugs))))))

Ghosty · 05/04/2004 22:57

I soooo understand what you are feeling Blu ...
With my first pregnancy my DH wasn't too bad about the bump ... although he didn't like to feel or see it move ...
With my second pregnancy he was very similar to your DH and most of the others who have posted here ... in fact pretty much ALL physical contact stopped for 9 whole months. In the early days (when I didn't look pregnant) he got irritated with the fact I felt sick and tired but once I had the bump he was really helpful around the house and with DS ... but I would still rather have had him take an interest in the bump ...
HOWEVER ... the moment each baby was born DH fell in love totally and utterly with the baby ...
When I have asked him about it he admits that he cannot see the baby as a baby when it is still a bump ... For him the baby only becomes real the minute he sees it for real.
If you think about it, it must be really odd for blokes. For us everything changes the minute that line goes blue ... we immediately feel the presence of that baby ... only we know what it is like to feel that little life grow inside of us. All the blokes see is us start throwing up, crying and getting fat ... and they wonder what happened ... it is only when they see the baby that they understand.
I asked my DH the other day if he ever thought of the baby that we lost (I had an m/c in 2002) and he admitted that he didn't. I think about it often. I was only pregnant for 12 weeks but that baby was a real being for me. I know that I now have my gorgeous DD but she can't replace a little life that was lost ... she is a seperate life herself ... And DH just doesn't see it that way - the baby we lost wasn't a baby to him.
Sorry ... this has turned into a total ramble ... and I only wanted to say that I sympathised!
I just think that many (not all) men see it all very differently to us and I am sure that your DH will be fine as soon as that baby is put in his arms ...
Hugs {{{{{}}}}}

jasper · 05/04/2004 23:54

My dh was exactly the same.I did not know of any others in the same boat - seems I was surrounded by pregnant friends whose husbands loved to feel their bumps while mine seemed repulsed!
Never once asked how I felt and wouldn't touch it (or me).
I think he even said it looked like an alien once.
However he is a great dad and we went on to have 3 babies in 3 years!

Wish I'd known Twigglet's poem back then

SpringChicken · 06/04/2004 09:31

Just wanted to add that i do know how you feel to a certain extent - I think Ghosty post sums it up perfectly!

My DP is so unbelieveable excited at the prospect of becoming a dad and having a son or daughter to spend time with and watch grow etc - however, he doesn't really take alot of interest in my bump at the minute....If i say that the baby is moving or if he see's my tummy moving he will come over and touch it and say hello but apart from that it doesn't even enter his head. Unless i mention it first he very rarely asks if the baby has been moving lots etc and i think this is down to as Ghosty said, the fact that it isn't really real to them until the baby is here.

Anyway, enough rambling - hope it helps to know you are not the only one with and odd DP/DH

motherinferior · 06/04/2004 12:20

Oh, and to add to my post below; my dp admits quite freely that he was in BIG denial all through my first pg about the baby - he did want it (even though it wasn't planned) but he had to be forced, by the scruff of his neck, to read anything about pregnancy or birth or think seriously about some of the logistics. He wasn't much better with my second pg either (I ended up posting on Mumsnet one day in despair about it all!) but I did know, by then, that he is a fantastic hands-on dad.

And his cheery view on not particularly getting off on bumps is that if he did, he'd just be hanging about the maternity ward with a slavering grin

I do hope you are feeling a bit better at the moment.

bundle · 06/04/2004 12:36

I love bumps. one of the men i occasionally work with asked if he could touch my bump when i was pg with dd2 (at least he asked )

Toyiba · 07/04/2004 00:55

my DP is exactly like that FeelinBlu, but his excuse is that he is scared incase, him touching me or coming near my stomach, will harm the baby. He won't even come to any of my scans or appointments to check the heartbeat with me. He says he has always been scared of small babies and pregnant women. But it upsets me because this is my first baby and i want him to share my emotions with. But he doesn't really seem to care.

handlemecarefully · 07/04/2004 09:46

(((((((Feelinblu)))))))

He will love the baby and he still loves you, he is just a poor flawed inadequate male! You have to make allowances for them.

spots · 10/04/2004 22:11

It certainly needn't lead YOU to feel ashamed. (Or maybe that's misreading the title of your posting.) I hope you can retain your own sense of pride in the bump - your dp is really unlucky to have such a negative response himself, he doesn't know what he's missing. Biology is so amazing - no denying it can be quite sobering when you see it in action. But a terrible shame if this comes out as distaste. I do think being the one carrying the baby is preferable to just being a witness... I reckon it takes a lot of levelheadedness to respond "well" to everything about your partner's pregnancy, and it has such an impact how you DO respond. I'd rather be the woman than the man any day. Poor you. I think you have a LOVELY bump...!

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