not what I needed to hear :/ why tell me?!

[CatFaceCrayola]

My mum is usually super awesome (it's normally my dad who puts his foot in it and unintentionally upsets me!)

She has never ever mentioned this to me before, not ever. But chose today (I'm 22 weeks) to tell me to look after myself as she lost 2 babies at 6 months.

she must've seen my face drop as she then went blithering on about how "that was in the 70s though, and it was just treated as a complete non-event, and medical care is much better nowadays"

I know there's nothing I can really do about it, but it's sent me into a panic. I've been bursting into tears at DH all afternoon. I think I've just realised how attached I am to this tiny person inside me and how devastating it would be to lose her

I know my mum didn't mean to upset me, but how could she think it was a good idea to choose NOW to tell me this!

Oh bless you, her timing sucked but it was probably seeing you at that mile stone that made her remember and open her mouth.

You are your own person. This is YOUR pregnancy, nothing will happen just because it happened to someone else.

I hope you and your mum are both ok, can you get your Dh to give you a cuddle and talk it through with you?

DH has been great and very reassuring whilst I've wailed at him. Still just feeling very teary.

I know that just because it happened to her means nothing in terms of my pregnancy.

I guess it's just the first time I've realised the bond I have already teamed with the ideas of mc now going round in my head

I think it's terrible to hear but I can imagine she blurted it out through worry and concern. Can you book to see your GP to put your mind at rest?

People say all sorts of inappropriate things at inopportune times. It was the wrong time for your DM to share this very sad news with you x

However, reading between the lines, I suspect that your DM was not adequately supported when she suffered her late miscarriages. She may have been reaching out to you; it's inappropriate, but all youcan do is love her, show her affection and tell her how sorry you are for her and empathise with how awful it must have been.

I assume this is your first baby? The thing I've learned since becoming a mother (I have 2 children), is that sometimes, people just need to be mothered. Even if it is your own mum ...

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy. Just because these very sad losses occurred with your DM's pregnancies, it does not mean that it will happen to you x

Thank you for your kind and calming words mumsnetters.

At some point (may be a long time) when I feel I can avoid bursting into tears, I will talk to my mum (and attempt some mum-mothering) about it. She kept repeating how traumatic and upsetting it had been.

Hi OP, congratulations on the pregnancy.

As others have said, people (family included!) just say things at the wrong time. I'm sure no malice was meant and cane from a caring place. As a previous poster said, this stage of you pregnancy has brought back memories and no doubt she wasn't as well sorted at those times as she should have.

If we thought about all the bad things which could happen we would never have children and spend our whole prenancy in tears. Be positive and continue being a great mum to be.

if its any consolation, I work with a lady who's daughyer gave birth very early. She continues to tell me how importnant it is to be aware of this and then details all the trauma that ensued and continues to ensue. I dont want to hurt her feelings but I secretly think, please shut TFU.

And, if it is any consolation, my friend gave birth at 26w and that child is a beautiful, thriving 3yo now with no LT issues

It does sound like your mum was looking for support even if very poorly timed. It must bring back some very painful memories for her.
Try not to worry too much though. Things have advanced hugely since the 70s. We have quite detailed scans at both 12 and 20 weeks plus diagnostic tests which could pick up any major problems. Our mums didn't have these and so there is no way of knowing what may have been wrong. As you've had yours you should be fairly confident that all is well (oh how I wish I could take my own advice!). Also back then people smoked and drunk and ate all kinds if things that are 'banned' during pregnancy now. Makes me wonder what our kids will be horrified about! Times have changed so all we can do is trust medicine and try to enjoy our pregnancies!

Coming at this from another angle, I would have been more upset I wasn't told about this earlier.

It was only after I lost 3 pregnancies and was sent a list of family medical history questions that my DM revealed a history of losses and childless female relatives which was pivotal to my diagnosis.

Yes, this isn't the 70s. Because of this there are things they ask you at booking-in that you need to answer accurately for a reason.

99% likely her losses will have no impact whatsoever on your pregnancy (repeated late losses are usually physically caused - e.g. weak cervix and this isn't usually hereditary) but taboos from the past about miscarriage mean they are never usually spoken about.

Rather than suddenly just wanting mothering, your DM could have spent weeks or months realising slowly she aught to have told you this years ago: not to support her but as it is something we need to know as women: our gynie heritage. And just blurted it out too bluntly and at the wrong time.
When my future DD is old enough for the birds and the bees chat, I will gently explain I had some troubles, and how this is unlikely to affect her but I will support her in any blood tests (mine is a treatable blood condition) she might wish to have when planning a family. I wouldn't wait until she was pregnant though! But people did then.

As I said, it is very, very likely your mum's repeat loss won't affect you at all, but for your own peace of mind do mention it at your next MW appointment - at the very least they will be able to go through your notes and scans and reassure you.

Your poor mother and poor you. "that was in the 70s though, and it was just treated as a complete non-event, -sounds like she never got the support she needed.

Think it could be a good idea to mention this to your MW so they can keep an extra eye on you, both incase of a problem and also to support you emotionally. Maybe some extra scans would help to reassure you?

Also worth bearing in mind that what was a m/c at 6 months then might have been a v. prem if it happened nowadays.

CatFace no doubt she didn't handle the telling you of this that well (and I get a small impression, following your mum-mothering comment, that perhaps she diverts attention to herself often/is a bit overdramatic? apologies if that is wrong/out of line), but there is every chance that she has never felt able to discuss what must have been a massively traumatic experience, and you going through pregnancy is probably bringing it all back to her.
I have a friend whose mother (a woman not known for her tact, and can really be quite a bitch to my friend) had an epic meltdown over my friend's plans for a home birth, and said all sorts of terrible things about her grandmother's babies being born at home and not making it (in a very blunt and unpleasant way). It eventually became clear that friend's mum had had two extremely traumatic births herself, including friend's brother being in NICU for nearly a year, and was struggling to cope with the memories of that time, and understandably being worried for her daughter (though expressing such worry dreadfully)
So do try to think about why she might have brought it up now - remember that you are not her, but consider what she must have been through...