Going slowly insane!

[liesal79]

Good Morning all

I don't really know where to start and I apologise if this goes a little long.
I had a MMC 2 years ago. In this pregnancy EVERYTHING went wrong, I was a vile person, crying and shouting. Fell out with friends (who weren't that supportive tbh, and said they couldn't speak to me, as they were trying to get pregnant, and it upset them!) and when we went for the scan, all the dates were wrong. Baby died at about 8 weeks I think, maybe earlier.

I then had 3 subsequent early miscarriages, each as upsetting as the last and was reffered to more help. They were lovely, but told me I basically needed to loose weight - checked my womb and took Blood tests and told me there was no reason I couldn't get and stay pregnant.

I am now 19 weeks pregnant - and a regular worrier and on this board!

Last week I had several severe panic attacks and ended up calling the EPU and speaking to a midwife who very kindly offered me a reassurance scan, Everything was fine and measured as it should!

I think I felt Flutters on sunday - as this would be the first I am feeling - I have a Anterior placenta, so I know it will be hard, but I haven't felt them again.

Last night, I convinced myself something is going to be wrong. DH is very reassuring and says that if something is wrong ( and that is highly unlikely ) then we will cope and he will still be there for me, but I don't want anything to be wrong. I even spent hours reading things on MMC at 20 weeks!

I talk to my friends, but they don't understand having nothing but positive pregnancies (including earlier friend who went on to be pregnant months after I had lost my baby, and didn't show me the same consideration!)

How do I just Enjoy this time - I don't appear to have had the "glow" of the second trimester, I feel sick daily, My back and legs are seizing up all the time, and I look Fatter than normal.

My Midwife gave me a number to call, about mental health, but I struggle to see how they can help me!

Call mental health. You have no idea how they can help you, you haven't spoken to or seen them yet. You've been given the one thing that the NHS can offer you to help, don't ignore it before you've tried it.

And of course you look fatter than normal - sorry, that's one to put up with. Sometimes NOW I just look 'fatter than normal' depending on what I'm wearing (31 weeks).

You poor thing, you've really gone through it : ( I haven't had the experiences you've had, but I do understand your anxiety. I have struggled with it throughout (currently 36 weeks) and have regularly convinced myself that something must be wrong, mainly because most people I know have had problems and I struggle to believe that I won't.

I actually think the bit you're in now, 19 weeks, is one of the worst bits. You're big but don't have a proper bump. You're still feeling a bit ill/sick/tired (this will hopefully ease soon though!). And to make it all a lot worse you're not feeling regular movement so convince yourself everything is going wrong cease you don't really feel pregnant. I found these weeks so, so hard, and only really started to feel better after about 26 weeks when I was feeling regular movement and then felt a bit better because I could feel things were ok.

I still have my wobbles though, and I think I will (and that it's normal to!) until he comes. Something I'd recommend is looking up private scans near you, not so that you can go all the time but so if you ever really need some assurance there's something there. I ended up going for a scan at 30 weeks because the gap between 20 and 40 weeks felt forever. Something like this might help you too. Also remember that when you get a bit closer (third trimester) the hospital will support you very well. You'll have more regular midwife appointments and they will always be there to monitor movements and things if you have concerns.

Very best of luck. Be kind to yourself. And enjoy your 20 week scan!

Ohthegoats - I know! I'm being meladramtic! I didn't mean it in a bad way - looking fatter than normal, but just want to look pregnant! LOL :)

Thank you MsSleepyhead - its reassuring to know its not just me!

Re anterior placenta - you will feel baby move. I know that some people say that being bigger you won't feel it as much either but that is total bollocks.

I am not going to give you my weight but I have a bmi of 51 and an anterior placenta. And my girl kicks the shit out of me. I didn't really feel it in a way I could acknowledge until about 20 weeks.

I too had an mmc and although it is really terrifying it does sound like you are maybe in need of some more professional help. Talk to your midwives/gp and see if they can arrange for you to talk to someone regarding your fears.

Thank you Mistyautumn - I can't feel anything signigicant - I had the flutters, but if I wasn't concentrating, I wouldn't have felt them!
I have called the mental health referral and will have to wait for them to come back to me now.

I feel so helpless, and just want to be happy and enjoy this!

What you are going through sounds a lot like post-miscarriage anxiety. I know because I had it!
I got some help (CBT type stuff) from a psych nurse on the NHS and it helped me enormously.
But don't expect it to just go away. It's tough and they can help but I think of it as an extra symptom I have to contend with. One of the major side effects of pregnancy after recurrent miscarriage is temporary clinical anxiety disorders (i.e while you are pregnant) it is SO normal but sadly ignored by many.
Jon Cohen's book "Coming To Term" explains the psychological side very well.

BTW at 19 weeks, irrelevant of where your placenta lies you wouldn't always feel regular movement - the internet is full of stories, some true, some utter bullshit, about feeling movement at 8 weeks etc'. Someone always mentions placenta position on EVERY movement thread: I think this forum has a slightly odd take on when you 'should' feel movement (i.e. when it starts) and it worries people needlessly. Even with a normal placenta most women would only feel flutters at 19 weeks and not regularly. Check these websites to reassure yourself:
countthekicks.org.uk/mums/your-babys-movements/babys-movements-week-by-week/
www.mumsnet.com/pregnancy/monitoring-baby-movements

...oh and I don't want to belittle anyone else's experience but pregnancy after several miscarriages is something else anxiety wise, especially if they are consecutive. It just gets worse/scarier each time. I think they should automatically give counselling when you POAS personally, there are fewer than 1% of pregnant women in our position.

Thank you Squizita. That helps more than you will ever know! I bit the bullet today and called the Mental Health team. They told me to expect to hear from them in 10-14 days and then after the assessment, it was moved up to urgent - Which makes me feel like its not all in my head! Although technically it is!

I pinpointed it earlier - Everyone keeps saying how excited I must be for the 20 week scan - and all I have is fear, which makes me feel worse.

Thank you all for your kind words! :)