Telling manager about pregnancy

[Peaceloveandbiscuits]

I'm telling my manager tomorrow that I'm pregnant. I am absolutely terrified.
I am a manager myself, and have no cover. If I want to take time off, I have to arrange for volunteers to step in and fill the void. I only see my manager about every six weeks so it makes each visit rather momentous and scary, even when I don't have news to tell.
I get very anxious about these visits because my performance isn't fantastic, though I strongly feel that this isn't 100% my fault, although I understand that I'm the only accountable person. I joined the company in January, so I've been there six months and I'm already 18 weeks pregnant. We were trying for a baby for 6 months before I got the job and I'd more or less given up and decided to focus on work experience, but I'm very anxious that my manager will think that I've planned it deliberately.
I struggle with my mental health and at the moment I'm extremely anxious, so I'm not in the best frame of mind to think clearly about what to say or do. I had intended to wait until after the 20 week scan to tell work, but since my manager is visiting tomorrow, I feel like I should bite the bullet and do it. I suppose I should have done it earlier but as I'd only been there since January I was really concerned about being sacked (they could easily have used my bad performance as a cover excuse).
The volunteers have had a lot of different managers come and go, and I feel very guilty about leaving them to go on maternity leave. I'm very torn over whether to stop working all together for a few years (we can just about afford it) or go back after a year, because I feel like either way I'm letting someone down: on one hand the volunteers and the company, and on the other hand, my baby.
I'm planning to at least say that I don't know what will happen until after the next scan, because I don't (currently obsessed with the thought of some abnormality being found). I feel such a wreck, and irrationally so, because people have such bigger things going on for them and I'm making a meal out of nothing. Everyone tells me I'll feel much better after I've told work, but I'm so frightened that I'm tempted to forego any maternity rights and just resign, so that I don't have to tell anyone.

I'm not sure what advice I'm asking for. How do I tell them? What do I say? Do I begin the meeting with it, or do I wait until the end? Argh.

I can understand being nervous. I'm telling my boss this week and fairly early on but only as there's lifting etc involved however they haven't been very pleasant or sympathetic to a colleague who's about 14weeks as she's had a little time off. I would recommend starting with it as it's off your chest and you'll feel better about it being in the opening. They obviously can't discriminate against you being pregnant however if your uncomfortable I would get signed off sick. My friend did as her work place was very awkward but you have to put yourself and the baby first and try not to feel guilty

Thank you Claire. My job involves lots of lifting and running up and down stairs, but I can do my own risk assessment, and delegate the heaviest jobs, so I've got away with it that way!
What do you mean about getting signed off sick?

I'm 18 weeks too and told my boss this week. I thought she would be horrified as I've only been there since March as a temp and they gave me a 6 month contract 8 weeks ago, which was too early to tell about pregnancy. She was genuinely happy for me and her reaction was much much better than I had envisioned. She's disappointed as they wanted to extend my contract and I want to be a sahm for a couple of years, but for a woman who is quite scary she was lovely and has been asking me loads about the pregnancy ever since, asking me if I'm ok etc.

Begin the meeting with it, say it out loud and honestly it won't be as bad as you think, my friend works in hr and says they have to treat pregnant women like golden geese as there is so much legislation to prevent discrimination. The law is on your side if they react badly, but remember maternity leave and pay is your legal right, you shouldn't give that up.

My friend went to her doctor who signed her off sick for a chunk of her pregnancy. The stress from work was seen as a risk to the baby. Obviously you only get sick pay

Ahh I see, thank you; work isn't stressful itself, just these visits from my manager!
I will have to report back tomorrow afternoon with the results, if I haven't collapsed with fear.
Thanks all for your encouragement.

Good luck!!

She bloody cancelled.

Oh no! after you had worked yourself up to speaking to her aswell. Have you rearranged?

For what its worth;

• both times I've told my managers (different each time) they have all been lovely and reacted so well when I expected them to worry about how it would affect them/the team so hopefully it won't be as bad as you think.
• I think you can only decide about going back after the baby arrives, people who think they want to be off work often decide to go back and workaholics who plan to go back full time often don't. Give it time and decide when you have been at home a few months with the baby before you make that decision. Personally I have returned part time and that seems the right balance for our family.

Hope it helps.

Thank you Ernie! She is going to try to come by tomorrow, but if not then September is our next meeting! I'll have to do it over the phone before then, though!

I told her, and her first word was "argh"

Oh dear. You have done nothing wrong OP. Did the conversation get better from there?

Lovely! Even an insincere "congratulations" would have been better.

Haha well I did a lot of grovelling which I didn't want to do, really, but I'm such an anxious idiot my default reaction is to apologise. She did say I could have a year off and all that stuff, and she didn't sack me, but she did strongly advise me about how hard it would be coming back to work with a baby...
Thanks for your support over the last couple of days anyway, it definitely helped to psych me up!!

"She did say I could have a year off and all that stuff, and she didn't sack me" Well I'm glad she stayed within the law!

From what I have heard, it can be hard to go back to work after having a baby but many/most? women do! It can also be hard to stay at home after having a baby.

No no it was all perfectly legal, but she definitely implied that she didn't want me to come back after maternity. I said I can't make a decision until the baby is here.

I recommend you make notes of all the meetings & communication, with dates of when they say negative things. I work in the public sector, where they're meant to be open and fair, but my manger's response when I'd returned from my 12 week scan (1st pregnancy) was "You'll not be able to come back part time, you know!" Well, I did and it's been accepted and has worked well for everyone for the last 2+ years!

Ignore the crap. Work out what your rights are & educate the ill informed!

Having read these posts have most people waited until after 20 weeks to tell work? I was thinking of after 12 weeks scan, is that too soon?

Rainbow I only waited this long because I just started work in January and was on a six month probation. And I was chicken shit

Last time my lot guessed at 8 weeks cos I wasn't drinking at the Christmas do. This time if I get to 8 weeks & they've not clocked my massive belly, I'll be surprised!

Im the sort of person that wears their heart on their sleeve, so if it all went wrong they'd know about it anyway. I'm also an appalling lier!

I told my boss at what I thought was 8 weeks (actually about 5!) when I asked for time off for an appointment. She was worried that I was ill as have been under a lot of pressure recently and have previously had problems with health due to stress. I reassured her that it was a midwife appointment and she was very excited but did manage to keep it a secret.

Told my close team a week later when I started getting sickness and came in a bit late. They knew we were trying and were very excited for me. I'm a nursery teacher and we get a lot of new born siblings and I'd been teased everytime I was holding one about how I'd have to go home and get on with it.