Gender Disapointment

[Mum2b43]

I will try to keep this as short as possible.

I am 16 weeks with my 3rd, its a surprise pregnancy. I have 2 boys already and was very happy with my 2. I was disappointed with falling pg but have since come around and am acturally happy and excited.... well I was...

I had an early gender scan yeaterday and found out we are having a girl, I am heartbroken. I so wanted a third boy, I even had already chosen the perfect name and had made future plans in my head about how perfect my family of 3 boys would be. Now I feel like its been torn away.

People dont get it... aparently if I have 2 boys already I should be wanting a girl but I dont. I have never wanted a girl. I have lots of reasons for this. I was abused by a family member as a child and know this means that I will be super-over-protective of a girl. It means I have already decided that my daughter can never be trusted with any man other than my DH for not even a second until she is at least 10. (other than situations I cant control like school.)

I am also not a girlie girl.. I hate pink, I dont really get on with women, I have only had male friends and hate shopping. I have been like this since I was a toddler... I used to rip heads off of dolls when given to me. I am not a complete man... I wear make-up and have long hair. I just dont spend hours in the mirror straightening my hair or painting my nails or even wear dresses unless its a special occasion maybe once a year. I can be feminine but I would rather not.

These are the two main reasons but there are a few others.

Anyway, when the sonographer told us it was a girl I felt my world crashing around me. I felt like walking into the pub across the road and downing 10 tequillas because of the shock, obviously I didnt. lol!

I then went to tell my parents, they were babysitting my sons, and their response was to laugh and say I was getting my 'just deserts'. That I was in for hell and that they were going to enjoy watching my life become miserable. My brothers response was to ask me "are you looking forward to becoming a grandmother before my daughter was 10?" and then to go on to say my daughter was going to be a proper essex-slapper.
My DH wasnt much better, he was also hoping for a boy but then went on to tell me that the reason was becuase he was dreading me having a girl because I would always be fighting with her. He was carrying on and on about how I dont get on with women so how would I possible cope with a teenage daughter.

I said nothing to anyone at the time... perhaps I was still in shock. But I woke up this morning fuming. How dare they all??? THey have all basically said "We think you are a good mum to a boy but you are going to be a rubbish mum to a girl."

I had a go at my DH this morning for what he said but he got angry and told me I was being emotional and over-sensitive. He also said I needed to get over having a girl and shouldnt be so upset about it.

I just feel like screaming at them all. I feel like screaming at my DH "Girls hate me... I dont hate girls! And just because I dont get on with women doesnt mean I wont get on with my own daughter!"
I feel like screaming at my parents "I am not getting my just deserts! I may have been a horrible teenager but maybe that was because my terrible parents neglected, starved and abused me as a young child, something my daughter wont experience! Maybe I was a difficult nasty girl because they were crap parents!"
And I feel like screaming at my brother "I dont even live in effin essex, nevermind intend on raising my daughter to become a slapper and pg before the age of 10!"

I am so sad and everyone is telling me what a failure I am going to be, I am starting to think maybe I will be a terrible mother, maybe they see something I dont. My life is doomed... everyone will be watching my eevry move for the next 30 years... just waiting for me to fail, just waiting for my daughter to fail so they can all laugh and say I tod you so.

I dont want to feel this way but I am not sure how I can love a daughter I dont want.

PS. Please dont be mean to me I am already on the edge.

Thank you all.

I actually posted this on another forum and have read alot on there too. In fact listening to peoples responses positive and negative has made me actually realize something. I dont think I am as disapointed as I am scared.
After listening to all you ladies tell me about how gorgeous your little girls are and the fun that I am in for I realise that my perceptions of girls has been clouded by the disgusting derogatory attitudes of my family.

As I sit here now I realise how stupid I am for assuming my daughter would be a princess. My sons are exacts opposites DS1 is into cooking, art and has a wicked sense of humour. My DS2 is into cars, diggers and mud. At this pricise moment DS1 is doing arts and crafts quietly while DS2 is screaming in delight at a xmas game on my tablet. (he is obsessed with xmas! lol!) So yes I am being stupid! all kids are different!

After all this reading and writing I think I have uncovered my real issue. My Family!
Like alot of you have said... why are they in my life? My dad is a digusting sexist who has called me a wh*re since I was 10 if I remotely wanted to wear perfume or make up. He leers at young teenage girls in short skirts and comments about how lovely the weatherladies breasts are looking. He has cheated on my mum more than a hundred times and sees women as piece of meat. He has even commented on my breasts, he is a sexist pig. He was an alcholic and was slot worse back then, I think he even abused one of my friends when I was young. When he stopped drinking he got better and I forgave him. He loves his grandsons dearly and spoils them even if he isnt a good role model. So I put up with it.
But I think I alwasy knew having a girl would make me want to cut him out my life. I wont be cutting out my family completely but now I have a daughter I have to avoid them. I cant let my daughter be around some derogatory comments, I cant let my daughter be called a slapper just because she wants to wear perfume at the age of 10. I cant and wont! My dad will never change his attitude towards women and I would never trust that man alone with my daughter... not even for a second. If I ever saw him leer at her I think I might kill him.

So what I am trying to say is all this reading and writing has made me realise that maybe I am not as upset about having a girl but more upset about having to loose my family. I know they arent good people but I have always struggled to let them go because they were my family but not anymore! I have my daughter to think about and if I am going to break this cycle of abuse and horrible attitudes towards women then I need to cut them loose and start my new little family on my own with DH. Its going to be hard because we will no longer have any support system at all and they do help us financially. But tough! I need to be strong!

Well said Mum. You are right and your DD will have to come first. Although I don't have a similar family set up we have had to say goodbye to a 'friend' who started coming out with crap about my DD playing with a garage when she was 1. He also managed to 'jokingly' call me a slapper in front of her because I was winning a game. Byeee. The attitudes that surround children are so important to their development and sense of self. No one has the right to make someone feel like crap or of less worth because of gender.
In a way my experience was positive as it was the first time I became clear what I wanted for DD and what was NOT going to be allowed in our home and family.
Oh and congrats on your pregnancy!!

Squizita...
You are right!
My DS1 is not very manly. He loves cooking and art. He is very intelligent and loves reading and hates sports! My family used to say he was gay and there was something wrong with him. Not just my family either, I have had strangers tell me is a very feminine boy just because he is scared of spiders and hates getting dirty. I used to get soooo angry but I have learnt to block it out. When I told my MIL he loved cooking her response was "Well maybe you shouldnt force him to cook with you so much!" and she is not a sexist person. He starts cooking lessons next year when he is old enough and cant wait. I am dreading telling people but to be honest he is sooo excited and I love cooking so its going to be fantastic bondong for us.

So yes! You are right! I didnt in anyway encourage him to be like this. He chose his toys, he used to head stright to the crafts table as a toddler. He was giving action figures by grandparents and never played with them. It was his choice. I never forced anything.

So I wont be doing it for my daughter.... dont get me wrong I would find it hard to play barbies but if thats what she wants them I will have to grin and bear it. I will love it if my girl comes out a bit more of a tomboy but I wont force it. Although trust me she wont be wearing any pretty pink dresses unless she asks for them. lol!

Thank you again all of you. I have to log off and I am glad to say my first forum experince was a good one. I will try and come on more often to help others too.

Thank you x

Mum2b your DS sounds a great little fella. My DH is a bit like that- quite fussy about clothes, likes to read etc'. In other ways he is very typical of an average guy. I have had similar comments (because he likes clothes he must be gay? Um so there are no gay guys who don't like fashion? I know some!).
People are so used to stereotypes.

Personally I think every kid should have some basic cooking skills: at my work all the kids have cookery classes and both boys and girls love them!

Mum2be - I am sorry if you thought my comment was having a go at you for not being grateful, I was mearly pointing out that as long as the baby is healthy it is a happy time, however I completely understand where you are coming from.

I echo what everyone else has said! :)

I apologise for making wrong assumptions about you. It is sometimes hard to understand what other women are going through when the only point of comparison is very different (By that I meant I was comparing your circumstances to my own)

It sounds like you have thought things through and listened to some great advice on here, and I'm sure you will enjoy your baby girl as much as you did your boys.

My experience when DD was little was to let her play with a variety of toys - cars, trains, dolls etc. I desperately wanted her to enjoy the train set but she preferred dolls and teddies. Now she is 14 and can't stand babies and small children and hates anything girly (but she still likes her teddies).

BTW when I was growing up I wished I had had an older brother.

Your family sound like dicks to be absolutely honest.

Your childhood happened to you and won't happen to your little girl.

I am having a boy after two girls. I am excited (and dh is very excited) but I am also fearful, I know girls in terms of nappy changing etc and also how I am with them. What kind of mother will I be to a boy? So I understand those kind of general worries. I think these are almost rational and worth acknowledging.

Mum2b43 good luck . Remember your DSes need protection from these appalling attitudes as much as your DD....

Good for you OP. I'm glad you posted and have gained some clarity.

In the kindest sense can I suggest counselling? I think you would find it valuable to talk through where all these feelings have come from and the impact your childhood and family have had on you. We are all products of it, just some more than others.
It's very easy to imagine an unborn child as a stranger, because you don't know them yet. But your daughter will be like your sons are to you, except a girl. And you know what, if she grows up to like girly stuff, I bet you'll be ok with that, because you will have watched her progress and understand her taste and opinions. Your unborn daughter is the focus now for your frustration and helplessness from your childhood. It's not too late to change that.

The problem OP is your family, not that you're having a girl. From reading I can't believe you're even in contact with them, they sound toxic.

Don't worry about what your little girl will be like, if she likes pink and girly things, so what? Let her get on with it. If she's into cars and hates dresses and pink then again, let her get on with it. Don't try and put her in a box before she's even born, let her be who she's going to be. And enjoy her. I'm sure your DS's will adore their little sister!

It took me two weeks to get over the shock of being told that DC2 was a DD. I already have a DS, all my husband's family have boys and there are v few baby girls in our social groups. I went to a girls' school and didn't enjoy the experience either.

But those feelings changed as my pregnancy progressed and now she's here, I adore her. She's cute and gorgeous and yummy and snuggly... All the things my DS was. She's also extra-special to me because she'll be my last baby. Forget about worrying how you'll raise a daughter and just concentrate on raising your kids. Congrats and good luck!