Second baby dilemma

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Original poster

mum2jemima · 14/09/2006 13:56

My baby girl is now 16 months old and our thoughts are turning to whether or not we should give her a sibling. I was 40 when I gave birth to j and will be 42 this November. I am feeling that if I don't get pregnant within the next six months, I will be too old a mother with baby no. 2. I am also beginning to see a slow return of my old life and am not sure I want to go back to square one with a new baby. However, on the other hand I don't feel that I want her to grow up an only child but I don't think that is the right reason to have a second baby. Is anybody else at this stage and age too? Have any of you made a definite decision to have only one child? Any thoughts would be much appreicated.

OP posts:

tessasmum · 14/09/2006 14:18

I have been there. I was 40 when I had DD (who was the biggest and best surprise I've ever had ). Throughout the pg and beyond we knew that she might be an only one because of my age but we also knew that we wanted to try for another. DS was born last November when I was 43.
I know I have been very lucky, I had 2 easy pregnancies and 2 gorgeous children but if she had been an only child that wouldn't have been a problem either

Know what you mean about getting you life back though but the baby stage is sooooo short, especially 2nd time round when you are chasing after a toddler! DS is now 10mths old, virtually walking and hardly seems like a baby at all.

HTH

bubblepop · 14/09/2006 14:38

i think lots of people have their second child because they don't want their first to be on their own,regardless of the mothers age.i suppose you just feel rushed into making a decision? i really don't think a further 6 months will make much difference iyswim. mull it over a bit longer maybe?

Original poster

mum2jemima · 14/09/2006 15:55

I was really lucky to have a very easy first pregnancy too so hopefully would do again. Know what you mean about the baby part being sooo short. It hardly seems anytime since j was a baby and now she is toddling about like a little girl.
Tessasmum - you sound to have had nearly the same timescales as me! :-) I suppose as bubblepop says, another 6 months wouldn't make too much difference. Think I will leave things to fate, no protection, and see what happens... Watch this space! :-)

OP posts:

tessasmum · 15/09/2006 09:38

Leaaving it to fate worked fine for us. Enjoy

Original poster

mum2jemima · 15/09/2006 19:39

On a slightly different note, how did you cope going from one baby to two? Did you find the pregnancy harder and more tiring being older and was it difficult juggling life when the new baby came along? Did you find you needed a lot more help from your partner? I have done all the bedtime stuff with j mainly due to me having breastfed her and am still doing so.

OP posts:

squishy · 15/09/2006 20:02

Just a query, why don't you want her to be an only child? As you say, not perhaps the best reason to have another baby and am wondering if someone/society is making you feel pressured (a friend of mine has been made to feel very selfish at only wanting one)....

FillyjonktheBananaEater · 15/09/2006 20:05

mull it over

i found 1-2 complete hell, tbh. sorry,

would have left a bigger gap (I had 22 months-not planned, btw)

now they play together and its lovely but those first 12 months...

wrinklytum · 15/09/2006 20:49

I am mid thirties and have two children with a 2 year age gap.I will second Fillyjonk.Found the transition from 1-2 pretty hellish mainly cos dd was a really colicky baby and ds was hitting terrible twos and I was potty training etc with new baby in tow.DD is now 9 months and a little gem but the first few months were really hard.I dont regret either of them they are the best thing I have ever done,both unplanned!!!If you had told me five years ago I would have 2 kids I would have laughed disbelievingly but there you go!!!In a nutshell two = twice the work,physically,emotionally and psychologically.There are great joys though,seeing them both giggling at each other and ds kissing and cuddling his little sister,the two of them splashing together in the bath....it is worth it,but hard work!!! hth

sorrell · 15/09/2006 21:01

Do it!

FillyjonktheBananaEater · 15/09/2006 21:08

yeah, its lovely

dd was another colicky baby. I think thats the thing. If you have a sleeper, then its probably great, if you don't get any sleep for the first 6 months, with a toddler running around...hell on eath.

nips · 15/09/2006 21:13

I am pregnant with my second child, baby is due on sons 4th Birthday. I have concerns but only because I know I have forgotten what hard work babies are and I like my sleep! I have bought this book which I am engrossed in "1 sock, 3 shoes and no hairbrush!" or something like that! It is an honest approach to having a second child! I highly recommend! www.mamatoto.co.uk quote NB2AH680 for free p&p.
The best advise ive been given is that normally in later years people regret not having more child and not regret having had the ones they have had!

sorrell · 15/09/2006 21:18

Not for me it wasn't (realistic). It's lovely.

FillyjonktheBananaEater · 15/09/2006 21:23

see, i think 4 years is a great gap

and that no hairbrush book...that woman is a professional whinger IMO. So ignore it if it deprsses you in the slightest.

nearlythree · 15/09/2006 21:26

I've had three children in four and a half yrs, and I'm 35. I found going from one to two hard only in that I felt guilty about dd1, and that I had to accept that she could no longer be my priority. But I also think it has been much better for both of us that she has a sister because o/wise I think I would have smothered her. She and her sister get on so well, and now I have baby ds. My third pg was hard and I won't be doing it again!

I don't think you can have another child just because you feel your dd needs a sibling. I am an only child and had a great time! I had more children because I wanted them. There is no guarantee that siblings will get on. If you are happy with one child then I really wouldn't worry. If you want another, then go for it.

I'm a big fan of leaving things to fate/nature/God too.

nips · 15/09/2006 21:26

Yeh, the book is negative but im having the "be prepared" approach! I dont regret a think and am very excited! I too am pleased with the 4 year agegap although it wasnt planned that way! Thanks

FillyjonktheBananaEater · 15/09/2006 21:28

if it hasn't put you off thats great, nips.

But I had a really crappy time with dd, and it STILL wasn't as bad as she described in that book!

2 kids is bascially great. No, it is. Its the small age gap/2 in nappies/no sleep for 3 years that has got to me.

nearlythree · 15/09/2006 21:28

Btw, I'm with filly, that No Hairbrush book is total balls, it bears no resemblence to how I found going from one to two children. Ranks up there with 'Life after Birth' as pointlessly depressing book about motherhood.

If you've got the NH book go to the last chapter. That's the only bit you need to read.

morningpaper · 15/09/2006 21:30

3 years is a perfect gap ;)

I agree, wait a while longer

I found 1-2 remarkably easy, and I had 2 colicky babies and I am now up, on average, 8 times a night (to be fair, DH is up about 4 times with the oldest and I am up about 4 times with the youngest)

But when they are together and laughing, it is bliss and I often find myself welling up with tears watching them

nips · 15/09/2006 21:30

Right - im reading the last chapter tonight and then selling it on ebay! Thanks for your advise!

nips · 15/09/2006 21:32

I must admit, that what im looking forward to most. Seeing my oldest with his new sibling! Nearly made me cry reading that!

FillyjonktheBananaEater · 15/09/2006 21:32

nah keep it

I found my copy this morning (dd now 14 months).

It did give me a laugh

It was NOTHING like she said it would be. NOTHING. Both better and worse, really.

She doesn't really tell you how great is is, while being knackering and demoralising...its like all those other whingy books about how hard parenting is-they don't tell you also how great it is. 2 kids is a different dimension to 1, its just all round different.

gemmiegoatlegs · 15/09/2006 21:35

you don't have a baby for your eldest child, you have a child because you and your other half want one. There is plenty to be said for having two or more (i have two myself) and many parents extoll the virtues of the singleton. But it is only the right decision to make if you truly want it. If and when the baby comes along doing the up all nght , screaming , pooing thing it is your responsibility and your joy. Your daughter will most likely only want to poke said sibling in the eye anyway. I say give it a bit longer. My dd is similar age to yours and at this age is absolutely charming enough for me to consider another go. However, in a years time I'll probs be screaming for you to TAKE THE DAMN KIDS AWAY!!!!! as i run off into the night.

nearlythree · 15/09/2006 21:37

morningpaper, you are so right about when you see your children playing together or being close in any way. My two dds do 'big hug!' like on Teletubbies, and dd1 has just started school which has broken dd2's heart, she yells 'Wait for me!' every morning as we go out the door.

morningpaper · 15/09/2006 21:44

oh nearlythree that is sad

bless them