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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Surname disputes!

43 replies

Elizabeth120914 · 18/07/2014 22:11

I'm sure this has been done many times before but..

Me and OH are engaged this is our first baby. We had always discussed getting married first and I thought when I got pregnant we would get married before baby. At about 8 weeks OH announces he doesn't see any need to hurry although it's very important to me he didn't see any need and thought it was unimportant. I was mega upset at the time and said I don't want my baby not having my name if we don't get married he assured me he wants too. I said fine well it's mine till then he very hurt fully said he doesn't care what it is!! Well at 32 weeks now it never has been mentioned again.

He's been pretty crap all pregnancy he's done nothing to suport me emotionally and been pretty awful. He has a daughter which is another area of huge stress and I've really been through it the last few months. It's been a effort to get him to wash a plate let alone look after me until recently when we had an enormous row about it last week..

Today BIL says what's the surname and he pipes up his!! I said that's up for debate.. He says it's not I say very clearly it is!! Now I'm not happy that a) he thinks it's just going to be his after we discussed it was mine and b) that no mention has been made of getting married ever since..

Even MIL thinks he's been pretty nasty. I don't feel he deserves the name and right now I don't know if we will be together to get married or anything else- he is oblivious.. He hasn't bought it up again either so what do I do? I don't want to be a single parent with a child that's not got my name it's sensitive already as dsd has different names and I don't want to be even more the odd one out in this set up.

I'm double barrelled surname so not triple barelling it..

Basically do I stick to my guns bring it up or shut up and wait till baby is born and tell him it's tough? So far I've really needed his support and he's not given it emotionally at all and it's really put me through it we should be closer surely now and planning a future ?? He just assumes it will all be fine and doesn't listen..

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lola60 · 20/07/2014 12:08

Stick to your guns, i wish i had of stood up to my ex re the name thing, my dd has a diff surname to me and its my biggest regret to date, hate it so much!!!

Original poster

Elizabeth120914 · 20/07/2014 12:48

I think I would regret it big style! A lot of the girls at work have different names and it doesn't bother them. I go through stages of minding and not but can imagine that it would eat away at me over time.

Things are continuing to be a lot better which I don't want to cloud my judgement.

As everyone has said if we get married it's an easy change to make and if not well it's tough.

I'm not sure I want to be married anytime soon anyway even if all is ok and my major worry is starting school with different names so atleast I eliminate that problem too..

OP posts:

MaryWestmacott · 20/07/2014 18:03

Then keep it as same as your name, clearly stating therefore you'll agree to change it should your surname change due to you and your DP getting married. It's clearly explained position - if your DP says he wants his name from birth, tell him he's effectively saying he was lying when he asked you to marry him as he clearly doesn't see that happening.

Stick to your guns - although I'd not mention it again, just calmly state your position if he raises along with "this is my decision to make, not yours as we aren't married. This is what I've decided, if you want a say, you need to arrange a wedding."

Original poster

Elizabeth120914 · 20/07/2014 18:59

Marywestmacot- couldn't have put it better myself!

I'm not mentioning it until he brings it up and if it's at the registry office so be it. Not up for discussion or negotiation! I think that's a really good way of wording it too il use that!

OP posts:

crazykat · 20/07/2014 19:15

Give the baby your name and change it if/when you get married as you have to re-register anyway.

If he was that bothered about your baby having his name then he should have been willing to sort out your wedding.

HopefulMum111 · 20/07/2014 19:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Elizabeth120914 · 20/07/2014 20:03

Don't know if it's been work stress, baby fright or what but he's been fine since my hormonal melt down last week it's a shame the extreme we have to go to when it's supposed to be a nice time to get a bloody reaction!

We have been reading the expectant dad book I bought him today which mentions registry offices and he said nothing so we will see I wonder it they have many domestics there!! ;)

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HopefulMum111 · 20/07/2014 21:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Elizabeth120914 · 20/07/2014 21:20

I think he does too.. I'm very stubborn he knows that he might think il change my mind but no chance now! I've really gone off the idea of getting married full stop he might have shot himself threw the foot for a change!

OP posts:

Lalalax3 · 20/07/2014 23:31

To be honest I think the surname thing is the least of your problems here. Your reasons for wanting marriage/or not are the things that need addressing right now! Names can be changed.

Gennz · 21/07/2014 02:31

I agree with mrsgembles. I would concentrate on sorting out the house issue - you need your name on the deeds if you are paying towards it. Can you trust him to support you and the baby financially when you're on mat leave?

Fwiw, we're expecting our first this year and I will have a different name from the baby (married but I kept my name). Baby will have mine as a middle name purely for admin reasons (travel etc). Doesn't bother me but if DH was being a difficult prick and we were not married there's no way he'd get automatic naming rights.

Original poster

Elizabeth120914 · 21/07/2014 06:30

He's never mentioned that's it's anything other than our house I have access to his money through a joint account to buy what I want/ need for the baby he's bought most of it so far to be fair as he earns more. The thing he's good at is work and earning money just not emotions and housework! He's stuck in 1950 some how.. I was just getting very wound up about the whole situation of what would happen if I wanted to leave by my own choice as I said before he's oblivious..

I can't get on the deeds as I would need to be on the mortgage and now I'm going on maternity that causes a whole load of problems with me not working and fees etc.. We are renewing the deal next year so I think if we are ok then il get my name added at the same time which was the original plan anyway..

He will be on the birth certificate so if I want to leave obviously he will have a sizeable maintenance bill to pay after September and the house would have to be discussed at that point too...

I don't want to get married as I said above now I did previously to all the crap and that was what we had agreed it matters to my family and me I didn't want to be in this situation which is why I think I got so wound up but it's here now and there's no changing it so tough on him really!

Hormones suck im sure nothing was this complicated before...

OP posts:

Delphiniumsblue · 21/07/2014 06:43

I think your relationship is the problem more than the name.
You need to insist that if you don't get married you get everything tied up with a solicitor.
In the meantime I would stick with your name.

Meglet · 21/07/2014 06:45

Give the baby your surname. It doesn't matter how nasty he gets or how much he kicks off, stick to your guns.

I was forced to use XP's surname for the dc's, he wouldn't let me double-barrel it and started screaming at me before we went to the registry office. I hate it. I've started investigating getting their name double-barrelled because he's been gone 5 years but it's going to be expensive, and a matter of luck if I'm allowed to do it.

seasavage · 21/07/2014 07:18

I don't think you have to be on the mortgage to be on the deeds. He is the owner, there will be a fee, but he can change that. The mortgage company's reluctance would relate to financial risk. It would depend on how much of the house is owned and how much is mortgaged.
It might be worth digging more around that. Ask CAB perhaps?

Original poster

Elizabeth120914 · 21/07/2014 08:00

Yes the relationship is the problem which is why I'm not giving in on the name. If theres potentially no relationship I don't want to be a single parent with a child with someone's name whose been totally useless and be unable to change it..

Time will tell on the rest. It's a condition of the mortgage that the deeds must match it as it's a high loan compared to value for the banks security. We looked into it at the time sadly it was the only way to get the whole thing through and we needed the house it wasn't his or my choice to do it that way. I'm hoping when we come to do it next year as I will have the necessary 3 years books it won't be a problem to sort it out.

Can't believe all the stress being huge is bad enough :(

OP posts:

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 21/07/2014 08:22

You don't have to put his name on the BC in order to get maintenance - maintenance and birth certificates aren't linked. If a man isn't on the BC and denies paternity, the CSA arrange for a DNA test which the man then has to pay for when paternity is proven. Being on the BC does give him Parental Responsibility though, which means he has a say in medical care, schools etc. I'm not saying you shouldn't put his name on there, I just wanted to make you aware.

ShovettyMcShovetty · 21/07/2014 10:05

It doesn't sound like your relationship is in a good place, so I would definitely advise against marriage just for the sake of same surname.

Exactly the above! Hope things improve for you soon.

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