DP not birth partner... Is that weird?

[Firsttimer101]

Hi everyone, very recently got BFP, 1st time so all new and exciting, my DP has already decided that although pleased and happy to be involved in everything before and after he doesn't want to be at the actual birth. I know he's rubbish at medical stuff, really weak stomach, not great with blood etc etc so I'm honestly not too bothered and have sisters and friends I can drag in with me! But does anyone think this is really weird? Anyone else's DP/DH felt the same then changed their minds later on?
Thank you!

Those who are saying that men who are sqeamish and need to man up clearly haven't had to scrape their partner off the floor.

With OH it is a physical thing - he just can't help fainting at the sight of blood. He had to be scraped off the floor in the PACU at our local children's hospital after DD had had an operation, and on another occasion when the nurse was trying to insert a cannula in DD's hand.

Under circumstances like those it is simply not sensible to have him there as the medical staff are supposed to be looking after their patients not my husband.

For the record he did attend DD's birth, but stayed up next to my head.

"I'm not sure why you need a birth partner at all."

Because the midwife/midwives don't stay with you all the time and it is nice to have company. I was far too uncomfortable to actually do anything like reading and it was nice to have someone to talk to.

I never wanted mine there. Outside within screaming distance but not at the birth. I've had five children and he's only been there for one (Not the plan but there you go. Birth is like that.)
I think it's quite unusual now, but that doesn't bother me.

I could have written zzzzzz's post, down to the number of children and the fact that my extremely squeamish dh was there for my emcs with ds1.

With the birth of dc5 a few weeks ago, she had shoulder dystocia and I am so grateful that I had my friend there not my dh. She was able to hide her fear from me so I kept calm(ish) throughout. I think if dh had been there he wouldn't have been able to hide his panic and that would have been transmitted to me.

Not weird at all. If he's freaked out by blood and you have someone else who's happy to be with you, then it makes sense. He's not going to be much use if he faints during labour.

My DP hates doctors, blood, needles, all of it. He was there, but hiding on the other side of the room and not watching. My sister and the midwife were right there with me cheering me on. It worked just fine.

My dh was more exhausted than me by the end of it, it is stressful watching someone you love in pain and feeling terrified. Not reassuring for me either. I agree, experienced female much better than terrified dh.

Although I think it's totally fine to have whatever birth partner you feel will be most help to you, if DH announced he wouldn't be there I'd be really cross. No matter how rubbish they might be or whether its better for someone else to be there instead, I do feel its the mothers prerogative to choose. If she wants him, he should be willing to man up.
I suppose it depends in how the conversation goes- 'I don't think I'd be able to cope, i'll try if you want but more than happy if youd rather someone else instead' would go down better than 'I don't like the sound of that, I'm not going to be there' iyswim.
I also suspect that a dp who's been present is more able to imagine how sore you are afterwards and so look after you more.

"No matter how rubbish they might be or whether its better for someone else to be there instead, I do feel its the mothers prerogative to choose. If she wants him, he should be willing to man up."

Can I suggest that you read some of the posts on here. It isn't as simple to be able "to man up". Some men physically can't help fainting/being queasy in situations like this, and they will be a hindrance to the medical staff who don't want to waste time looking after your partner when they should be looking after you.

I'm due in 5 weeks, I'm having my DP as he literally wouldn't miss it for the world and also my mum with me, my DP isn't very good at telling me off when I'm being a bit stubborn (I get like that when I'm scared) but my mum will tell me to behave and will be more supportive as she's done it 3 times before.
Both are staying up the head end though.
I completely understand why some people wouldn't want a useless hospital phobe DP there especially if they are just passing out all over the place but I just couldn't imagine him not being there.

It's his fault I'm in this situation as it is!

A good friend of mines husband said from the very start that he wouldn't be at the birth. As far as I can tell this conversation took place sometime around the second date!

She had a doula who was fabulous, and much better than dealing with a man faffing about being nervous and making you feel like you can't cry out etc for fear of upsetting him. The doula was also great as my friend laboured at home for much longer and only went to hospital right at the end. I think her hospital labour time was 27 minutes!

So I think if he doesn't want to be there, or you don't want him, then its a perfectly reasonable logical decision.

I had DP and a (female) friend at my birth. My friend was SO much more supportive and helpful than DP! If I had to choose between the two, I'd quite happily leave DP at home.

He just kept saying "you're doing really well" - I wanted to hit him

I think the most important thing is to have someone SUPPORTIVE with you, regardless of gender or relationship to you. Someone who will be there for you and who won't moan.

If she wants him, he should be willing to man up.

I hate the phrase 'man up', you can bet your last dollar if someone started saying 'woman up' there would be uproar.

My dh is 10% man, no need to do anything at all in that respect. But I totally got that he just couldn't be there. I have too much respect for him to start pressurising into doing something that may have compromised my care!

He was in the hospital both times. dd1 we had a friend, as I knew dh would find it too much. In the end, neither of them could be there anyway!

dd2. my MIL did it. She is a nurse, so was very calm & actually very helpful! She loved it too.

Oh and just to say, dh was supposed to stay at the head end and the knob of an ob/gyn insisted he 'get involved'. Im still cross about it as it's about my dignity more than anything else although I didn't have the energy to protest.

No matter how rubbish they might be or whether its better for someone else to be there instead, I do feel its the mothers prerogative to choose

OK.
So if he causes the situation to escalate leading to bad memories or panic, what then? What if a HCP asks him something and he freezes, causing a misunderstanding which leaves her 'let down'? What if as the HCP and doula I mentioned said he tries to 'man up' by controlling... "oh no you don't need an epidural because I'm scared of that fucking great needle " even when she wants one?*
So yes, she chooses. But she can't choose what happens as a result.

I hope to goodness she'll not blame him or HCP when she insisted on having someone, knowing the facts, who admitted they wouldn't be reassuring. This is the major flaw in the 'man up' thing: you cannot have what you want when it involves changing someone's feelings and thoughts. Bearing in mind that birth is also unpredictable, that's two things the woman is banking on controlling which might not work out.

And what if he has some weird reaction afterwards - perhaps with regards to intimacy or even being fearful of the baby? That won't make life easy!

Also to put it brutally we HAVE to get the baby out of us. Plenty of us get tramatised or find it unpleasant. There is a slight dog-in-the-manger "if I have to suffer it so does he" element to some posts... rather than a pragmatic "birth is a big thing, who is most useful to help make it better for me?" attitude.

As I mentioned before, I'm having DH (not squeamish at all) and my DM (big family, all sorts of births from forceps to 'popping out with a sneeze' - been there, done that, ruined got the t-shirt).

I also suspect that a dp who's been present is more able to imagine how sore you are afterwards and so look after you more

That is so not true. I also had 2 further ops where dh was not present (friend took me) & he is the best nurse ever, I have to say! He looked after me perfectly. I don't think you need to see someone go through an operation to know they must be in pain.

Would a woman need to be present at a vasectomy to be able to sympathise with her dp/dh, and to know how sore he must be?

Like my friend who has just had a double mastectomy. I didn't see her go through it, but I know how sore she must be!

I wanted dp for the labour (to talk to between contractions) and out for the delivery as he is useless with blood (fainter) and I'd get annoyed with him! Everyone said he should be there - but ultimately it's your choice and if you're both happy go for it! I didn't have a second birth partner, I was happy with the thought of doing it myself. The midwives don't leave you when you're pushing!

As it was nothing went to plan and dp ended up staying but I wouldn't have noticed if he was there or not tbh ( it all got a bit mental quite fast!) he was sat by my head but I didn't notice him as I was so focused on getting baby out!

Just do what you want :)

My dh is 10% man... hehe! 90% something else!

*100%, obviously!

Different YES about "man up". Generally the binary of 'woman = needs help from man, man MUST provide this' hides in the background of that one. Like that awful Facebook meme "a real man knows a woman is strong enough to do it alone, but won't let her" i.e. a real man takes over and is even better if he does it knowing that the woman doesn't need it so he's just doing it to fit the ideal.

Of all the situations in the whole world, this is one where 'man up' doesn't really apply.

A real man knows when to leave well alone!
A real man can say when he knows he won't manage.

DH was there for births 1 & 3 but due to not actually being able to get through the door to the delivery suite because they were short staffed and nobody was around to let him in he missed birth 2. He's also a fainter despite having helped to deliver calves with ropes and very long rubber gloves and after the gore fest of the first time wasn't actually too bothered about being 10 minutes too late.
However.
He really regretted it later on, to the extent that nearly 9 years on it still rubs him a bit. When we discussed a Home Birth for the third time, after he got over any medical worries he had he was all for it, in part because it was pretty certain he would be there. He stayed up the top end (reading out the BBC news headlines to me ) and was great.
It's not weird to not have your OH there at all if you both agree, it's a fairly recent fashion to 'make' the man be there regardless of the feelings of the couple tbh.

Don't worry! Do what you want. I had read that it is better to have a woman who is calm and doesn't increase your hormones. Check what sort of births your mum and sister have had. Take them with you to your birthing classes etc. You'll be fine. I would have preferred a quiet woman. DHwas shouting loudly in my ear and didn't mop my brow in any useful way. He wanted to be at the birth.

Sorry, check your sisters and friends and what sort of births they had.

I don't think it is weird at all, my partner says he will be there but I have my friend lined up. We have no close relatives in the area so he will need to go home to sort out the dogs. My OH is worried about seeing the baby covered in blood and is very squeamish about it. I am totally fine if he is there or if he isn't. My OH had a major surgery on his stomach 18 months ago and nearly died, so he isn't good in hospitals. I totally understand this and have friends to support me if needed.

You just need to be with people who will be calm, supportive and encouraging. They have to be able to focus on you and baby. It is not about what is right or wrong, there are no rules. Who will make you feel safe and secure, and enable you to focus on your labour? Then go with that.

I think it's really hard to work out how a partner will be in that situation. I mean, if it's a first time, then you won't know how you'll be either.

I've hired a doula, partly because we can afford it and I know they often reduce the need for interventions, but also because I want someone there who has done it before and can look after my boyfriend. I think it must be quite boring to be a birth partner, I know I'd find it hard work to see someone I love in pain too... so sort of boring AND slightly terrifying. If you've got someone who has done it before, then all good.