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Original poster

Partner doesn't want my mum and sister at scan

25 replies

LBNM19 · 15/07/2014 12:35

Basically my partner and I have had 2 scans on our own together, a friend of mine has very kindly brought me a 4D scan, I want my mum and sister to come, but my partner has gone mad and said it should be just me and him!

He's mum came to the one we have with DS but we don't get on and don't talk any more.

I can't help thinking its more to do with the fact he's mum can't be there.

I really would like them to come, am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Theselittlelightsofmine · 15/07/2014 12:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lilaclily · 15/07/2014 12:38

he probably is upset his mum won't be there

I would just keep it to you & him tbh

it won't be long until the baby is here & you can show him/her off to everyone

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/07/2014 12:40

Sorry to hear about the antagonism, last thing you need now.

I don't know what the maximum number permitted at the scans, any chance you can ask him for a big amnesty - clean slate - and invite both your mums?

magichamster · 15/07/2014 12:41

Do your mum and sister actually want to be there? I enjoyed my own scans, but really wouldn't want to be there for anyone else's. Surely they will be meeting the baby in a few months, and they can see a photo of the scan afterwards.

AskBasil · 15/07/2014 12:41

Your body, your choice

ikeaismylocal · 15/07/2014 12:45

When we had our 4d scan we were given a video so we could share the scan with bore the rest of the family.

Original poster
LBNM19 · 15/07/2014 12:45

Yer they really do, my mum actually asked me we are very close and I would love her to be there.

No chance of that happening a lot has gone on, my first son is very disabled with a life limiting genetic condition, he is 2 years old can't walk/sit up etc.

Had a CVS test and this baby is healthy and very special to us all, they are very excited for us.

OP posts:
zippey · 15/07/2014 12:52

I think the most important person here is the woman getting the scan done, so she should have the final say.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/07/2014 12:53

He must reali

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/07/2014 12:56

Sorry stupid phone he must realise you can go along and just not tell him so stipulating who can attend and who can't is not ultimately going to be the last word on the subject.

ikeaismylocal · 15/07/2014 13:11

Do you think your dp might feel anxious about problems being picked up at the scan? Did you have worrying, upsetting scans with your ds?

MultipleMama · 15/07/2014 13:11

If your DH doesn't want them there, then they shouldn't really go, as it will spoil the experience for him, and then again, it may spoil it for you if you aren't there.

And the whole "he invited his mum, so it's your mum's turn" is tit for tat. His mum came because you obviously agreed or she wouldn't have been there, you want mum or sister there this time but DH doesn't agree. So, for me, they shouldn't be there.

Can't you compromise? Say, just the two of you for most of the scan and then maybe invited your sister and mum in at the end of the appointment so they get a quick look?

4D scans are video, so surely it would be less hassle to get a video and you, your mum, and sister have a get together and watch it together at home where you can watch it over and over and enjoy pointing out little movements the baby does etc.

If DH didn't/doesn't want anybody there for our scans then they won't be, if it upset me then I'd just get extra photos/videos for those who weren't there.

Original poster
LBNM19 · 15/07/2014 16:04

He's now saying if they go he won't come it's just ridiculous really something that's meant to be enjoyable turning in to an argument :(

OP posts:
ACM88 · 15/07/2014 16:23

For me, it's more important dad is there than your mom and sister, sorry! If he feels that strongly about it, then you need to stand by him.
Must admit thought never occurred to me to invite anyone to scan other than OH x

iwantittobepink · 15/07/2014 17:27

Personally, if he normally gets along with your mum and sister then I think he's being a bit unreasonable as its not as if its your first scan. My DP had no problems with my mum coming to a growth scan, and so at the second one I invited his mum so they could both see their grandchild (and how much scans had changed since we were babies!). I wouldn't go inviting friends etc, but I am super close to my mum, so I'd be offended if he suddenly had a problem with her!

ShovettyMcShovetty · 15/07/2014 17:36

I can't say I would want anyone but my husband at any of my scans but I guess if his Mum was there for your DS's it's a bit mean not to let your Mum come to yours. Maybe leave yous sister at home though? Is that a bit 'fairer'?

DefiniteMaybe · 15/07/2014 17:40

He's being ridiculous. At medical appointment scans then yes of course, dad only but these 4d private scans are just to show off the baby. It's really not up to him who goes, it's not his body and he hasn't paid for it.

Original poster
LBNM19 · 15/07/2014 21:05

Well I thought having my sister might be a bit easier rather than just my mum, he's not having any of it not even a conversation, just starts shouting when I say anything. They do usually get it, what's annoying me is I no if he's mum and I were in speaking terms he would be happy for her to come, I feel that is the only reason he's being awkward x

OP posts:
AskBasil · 15/07/2014 21:08

It really isn't up to him.

You are the patient here. You are the one who is carrying this baby. You get to decide anything to do with the scan. He doesn't even have the right to be there, let alone have veto over who else gets to be there.

AskBasil · 15/07/2014 21:09

Most men want to make their partners happy when they're pregnant.

But he starts shouting at you because you want to do something he doesn't want you to do. Sad

ACM88 · 15/07/2014 21:52

I think it's very wrong (only my opinion) though to suggest to OP that dad has any less of a right to a view just because he isn't carrying the baby. Men aren't to blame because they aren't physically equipped to carry children. He is no less of a parent that mom, so is entitled to express his wishes at who is present for the scan on HIS child.

Agree it seems unfair his mom was at one, and yes you are prob right his feelings are down to his angst towards his own mom. This isn't the time to fall out with partner and family...can the three of you not discuss this together? There will be a happy medium! X

FTRsGotAShinyNewNN · 15/07/2014 22:31

Tbh I would tempted to tell him you already have one child and soon will have two and you don't need him behaving like one as well. If he won't even discuss it with you then perhaps the best thing to do is say this is when the scan is, I hope you'll come and join us. Then take whomever you like, he's being petulant by not discussing it so leave the ball in his court to choose how he is going to behave.

Original poster
LBNM19 · 16/07/2014 08:28

He is acting like a child, in going to try and speak to him again about it dreading it but don't want him to have he's own way just because he's shouting, if he can give me a food reason why then maybe I could understand a bit more but I assume he's just being spiteful.

OP posts:
NorwaySpruce · 16/07/2014 08:33

It's a private scan, just take your mother & sister.

If your partner wants to behave so viciously towards you, they can't object when you leave them out.

Temper tantrums and selfishness are two things that irritate me profoundly.

FTRsGotAShinyNewNN · 16/07/2014 08:43

I think you're right, if he can discuss it like an adult, without shouting and explain his reasons then perhaps you'd come to an agreement.

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