WWYD advice please re telling a friend

[RebeccaCloud9]

I have previously posted about a friend struggling to conceive who distanced herself from me after her failed IVF (in prev thread I explained I really tried to be sensitive). When I last saw her I wasn't pregnant or even trying.

We have just reconnected via FB and she says she would love to meet up soon. So now I am in a dilemma - how and when do I tell her I am pg (25 weeks so it will be obvious if we do meet)? Do I send her a message beforehand? How do I put it? I don't want to hurt her feelings or be patronising!

I have just conceived through ivf. I think that you should mention it in passing in a message or something. There's nothing worse than someone tip toeing around you-even when they have the best of intentions! It makes you feel like a charity case and I hated the thought that people were feeling sorry for me!

You never know she may have some news for you herself!
Congratulations!!! X

Make sure it doesn't sound like you're only warning her because she's having trouble TTC.
Just a simple 'you might get a shock when you see me as I'm 25 weeks pregnant '

Definitely tell her beforehand so she can prepare herself when she sees you. I too have just conceived via IVF after a long struggle and I could deal with other peoples news much better in advance, then I could get used to the idea and be happy for them before I saw them. Having to react on the spot is very hard if you are dealing with infertility.

Chattycat has hit the nail on the head!!! That's exactly right x

Ha- hi happily. Nice to be able to chat to u on the pregnancy threads rather than the infertility thread :)

Ah, it's lovely to see success stories, congrats Happily and Chatty! Oh that would be so so lovely if she has some news of her own. I like Amy's way of putting it - I don't want to make it worse by seeming like I'm tip toeing!

I was dreading telling a friend of mine who has had about 5MCs, however about 2 weeks before we were ready to announce, she sent me a txt to say that she was 20 weeks and just spreading the news! So now we are pregnancy buddies and she is 10 was ahead of me so I can get freaked out by what's to come...
Hope your friend has similar news :)

UPDATE

After continuing to struggle with this dilemma, I finally told my friend. She has not replied to my message. Do I just leave it now and wait for her to get in contact? I do completely feel for her but I'm also sad that she has said nothing. Is this selfish of me? I don't mean I'm cross with her, but feeling sad and hope that she will still be my friend - she has frozen out others who have become pregnant.

Give her some time/space. Maybe send a chatty message that doesn't refer to babies at all and doesn't demand a response, eg I often send "I just heard x on the radio and thought of you" kind of messages.

It's a shame she hasn't written back - maybe she's trying to think of the wording before she replies. I had a lot of apologetic texts announcing pregnancies after my MMC, but I was in the first trimester myself so usually just fessed up so they didn't feel bad. Maybe she is expecting and wondering whether to make it public already.

TBH, it seems a bit cruel to cut you out cold - surely she could politely explain she's finding it quite hard to deal with pregnancy right now? I hid everyone who was pregnant from my Facebook feed as it cut like a knife seeing their happy updates.

I had desperately hoped she was but sadly she had a failed IVF a few months ago and is now starting adoption process. I have deliberately not posted a single pregnancy related thing on my FB (and I'm now 29 weeks) so that I won't upset her. Hopefully she'll reply soon. I know the situation is different but I have been with my partner for years and have been desperate to get married for several of those - it hurts whenever friends announce engagements (including her) but I share my happiness for them then go and cry privately. I have talked to her lots about her wedding plans even though that has always hurt.

I think I will give it a few days then send a chatty message, thanks for the tip.

As others have said, give her time. Then get in touch about something else and see if she'll respond to that. She might just be finding it hard to take or be having an emotional reaction to it and not want to hurt you.

I have a friend who has had a few MCs while trying to have a 2nd DC and also a friend who can't have children for medical reasons and who has adopted. Luckily an opportunity came up to tell them both in person the day before the scan and general public announcement. It turned out one of them had avoided a BBQ a few months earlier for fear I was going to announce and she said that at that time she wouldn't have been able to handle it so instead avoided coming as she wouldn't have been able to act happy for us (which she is now).

Ok, well after a few days of waiting for a response, she has unfriended me on Facebook. I am really hurt by this - I feel that I have always tried to put her feelings first and do the right thing by her. I can understand that she will be finding it hard but she seems completely oblivious to the fact that I have feelings too!

Ah op you poor thing. I'd be incredibly hurt by that too.

Do you have any friends in common you could speak to. Not to pressurise her but just to ask how she is? Has she left Fbook all together rather than just unfriended you? My friend did for a while as she had too many baby announcements/photos but rejoined later with a smaller group of friends.

As someone who has had recurrent MC this kind of thing always saddens me.
Clearly your friend is suffering and its coming out as misplaced anger. The trouble is, within circles of women in that kind of situation, its so accepted (even encouraged/justified) that these angry, hurting women aren't being told to get the emotional help they need. :(

I hope she gets to a place where she can see and deal with the world more openly, and gets back in touch with you. Its so hard, only someone in her situation could say to her "you're hurting others and yourself" (from someone with kids it would just inflame things).

Good luck OP. I hope she does come round eventually.

That's really sad. I've been through infertility - failed treatment as well as mc and though I am now very fortunate to be pregnant with a second child, I remember what it's like. But I think she's being very self-absorbed and cold. It's probably to protect herself but that doesn't make it right.

You've done nothing wrong OP, sorry you got hurt :(

rebecca congratulations on your pregnancy!!! This is a magical time for you but is also an anxious time. You also need to surround yourself with amazing friends and you are allowed to be deliriously happy. I hope your friend comes round but sounds like there's nothing you can do. Congrats again x

Thank you so much for all your replies, they have really helped (and bought a bit of a tear to my eye as I have been feeling like I have done something wrong and getting all stressy about it). Thanks guys!