Polite way of dealing with this? AIBU?

[squizita]

Bit of an 'etiquette' question.
I've posted about this before, but I have one acquaintance who I'm finding hard to talk to since I've been pregnant.
Basically I am one of the last of my friends to have a baby, some have high school kids, some babies/toddlers (we're mid 30s). As a result I get a lot of really good advice, and a few 'sleepless night' jokes.

Except one friend (she has 1 child, of primary school age), who is something else.Whatever I say, even non-pregnancy-related, immediately it's turned round to pregnancy and how I won't cope/will be a shadow of my former self and that's the only way motherhood is. So basically after you have a kid you will be unattractive, disorganised, you'll never hold down a job again (and if you do it will be a little hobby/distraction) ... to say anything otherwise means you're like a teenager with no idea of parenthood. And I'm a bit because ... my boss with a kid... nope, managers with kids don't exist? My 'TOWIE' style mate with 2 kids ... nope, you can't have glamour and kids in your life? My SAHM mate who reads all sorts of literature and does proper arty-art stuff ... nope you can't have brains and kids? I feel worried for me and angry for them IYSWIM. She must be projecting or generalising, but I also feel bad for feeling bad as I haven't had my baby yet- so am I being unmaternal for being bothered?

Like I'll post on Facebook something as bland and non-baby-related as a special offer on some naice biscuits in Lidl and immediately she'll 'remind' me we'll be dirt poor forever once PFB arrives, no biscuits for us (hopefully not, I know money will be tight but we've saved and DH has a good job) and of course I'll be fat to boot. Like I'd never considered kids were expensive.

But how do I express that this is upsetting me and I find it rather rude about all my mum friends as well (who, SAHM or working-outside-mum, are all great, attractive, intelligent women IMO) when I haven't had a child yet?
Because of course then she will just point out I haven't had a kid yet.

From your description of her, I'd say it's not that she thinks you have a more rock n roll lifestyle than she does and that you won't adapt well . . . in fact I doubt it's anything 'about' you that's prompted this. It sounds like she's the one who places high demands on herself, her home, her appearance, her lifestyle, and that's why she may have had a hard time adapting to the changes.

Telling you that having a baby will destroy your lifestyle is her projecting her feelings onto you. There may also be a bit of fear in there . . . if you come across as confident, happy, looking forward to motherhood, she may worry you'll find the experience easier than she did, which she'll feel as a criticism of herself. Not that it would be, of course . . . but it doesn't matter what you really think if she's just using you as a projection screen.

My sister challenged my parents during a similar episode. She rang for advice and mum said something along the lines of well thats the way the cookie crumbles! ie youve made your bed, lie in it, and its your own fault for having a carreer and leav7ng motherhood so long silly. Sis said actually mum i was looking for some support, mum said arent i supportive? sis said no, a supportive thing to say would be xyz. Shes not been so bad since.

My sis is much better at dealing with peiple than i am. Id have said either say something positive or stfu.

My SIL is a lot like this. Except she revels in it because it makes her the 'expert' in things - if she can turn the conversation to babies and pregnancy. I don't really have any advice because I'm dealing with it by ignoring her :D (for other reasons as well) helpfully, she doesnt live in the country. But I suspect she (and your friend) wouldn't see the examples of other ways of being a parent as valid to her (so, obviously not to you either).

For example, SIL talks about how you can't drive for more than 2 1/2 hours with children because it's too long with naptimes, mealtimes, etc. When I was the same age as her children we lived in east africa and would be on a plane or in a car for 5-10 hours at a time fairly often, but when I mention this the reply is just 'that's different'. Come to think of it, she's the same with relationships; if me and dh of 7 years are nice to each other (or about each other) in front of her (i'm not talking pda's here) she'll say, 'oh, wait till you've been married x number of years' as if no experience but hers counts...

Moral of the story - children can be used as excuses for all kinds of complaints! Sounds like your friend needs someone to talk to but possibly not you and possibly she's still blaming everything on her child in her mind as well.