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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Depressed husband, pregnant wife

15 replies

Lalalax3 · 04/07/2014 21:22

I'm 31+4 with our first baby, and I have a very poorly husband. For the last two nights I've averaged about 2 hours sleep because he is going through a bout of depression and stays awake all night panicking. Between me getting up to pee every 90 mins or so and him getting up and down, switching the lamp on and off, breathing irregularly and sighing neither of us is getting any quality rest at all. I've been a zombie today and nearly passed out when I was cooking dinner. We are both close to breaking.

He's extremely anxious, worrying about anything and everything: fatherhood, health, death, money etc. I suffer from moderate recurrent depression myself, have done for 16 years, so I know that he can't just snap out of it, and how incredibly frustrating it must be. I also know that when you get into those negative thought cycles nobody else can pull you out but yourself. We've been to the GP and he's got an initial assessment for CBT and a prescription for citalopram - which has helped him in the past.

I find myself worrying about him constantly, and desperately wanting him to be better, for him and for me. It breaks my heart to see him suffer. I also worry about my health suffering, and how this might affect our son. Then I feel guilty for thinking about myself because I see how much my husband is in pain.

I'm already worried about tonight (though hiding this from him and being positive), I can't have another night like the last two. Husband has suggested he takes the sofabed in the nursery but I worry about him alone in there freaking out all night.

I don't really know why I'm sharing this. Maybe I just need an internet hug. Or some advice from anyone that's been through similar?

OP posts:
molly84 · 04/07/2014 21:27

Sending you an internet hug. Look after yourself as well as your husband. Can you organise for him to get help from a professional? You can't do this by yourself xx

Lalalax3 · 04/07/2014 21:31

He has an assessment for therapy on Mon. I'm thinking if we have a bad weekend he should go back to the GP too, with me to support.

OP posts:
molly84 · 04/07/2014 21:36

I think that sounds sensible. You are doing everything right. My advice would be to stay as positive and happy as possible in front of him. Stay upbeat and listen to him....they cry and vent to a close friend in private. You will get through this, it won't last forever. Book yourself a treat like getting your nails done to have some escapism xx

Lalalax3 · 04/07/2014 21:39

Yeah, thanks molly84 - it's my birthday on Sun so I'm hoping to get spoilt a bit! Smile

OP posts:
molly84 · 04/07/2014 21:40

You deserve it. Happy birthday for Sun!

DorotheaHomeAlone · 04/07/2014 21:41

I think this is a situation like on a plane where you have to put on your own oxygen mask first before you can help your husband. It is doing no one any good for both of you to be suffering, losing sleep and getting increasingly anxious. I'd suggest taking him up on his offer to sleep next door. You will be able to help much more and think more clearly tomorrow if you are rested. Keep following up on professional help for him, be lovingly supportive in daylight hours but make sure you take care of yourself, too.

I'd be giving you similar advice even if you weren't pregnant but with the baby in the mix too JTS even more important that you prioritise self-care first, helping him second. It's sensible not selfish.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 04/07/2014 21:43

Forgot to say good luck!this sounds really, really tough for both of you and as a chronic helper myself I know how hard it is to step back. If there are other people who can support you or him please do reach out. People want to help.

Lalalax3 · 04/07/2014 22:04

Thanks DorotheaHomeAlone, I think you're right. I'm having the bedroom to myself tonight and will be heading off very shortly!

OP posts:
LucyB1 · 04/07/2014 22:54

Sending you a hug. Hope things get better for you really soon. Xx

bugoven · 05/07/2014 05:06

Saw your previous thread and stick by what I said before, sounds like you are a strong couple and going to make great parents.

Let him take the sofabed so you can get a good night's sleep and reassure him how helpful that was and kind to put you and baby's needs first and that things like that make you sure he'll be a good dad. My OH is definitely worrying a lot about what is to come and how well he'll handle it all. Thankfully he has never had any mental health issues and a lot of support from his family so the pressure isn't all on me to reassure him.

Tale care of yourself and baby, hope the gp can offer some more help.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 05/07/2014 08:37

The oxygen mask seems like a good analogy. Hope you were able to get more sleep last night.

CakesALot · 05/07/2014 10:20

Hi. I just wanted to say that I know where you're coming from. My DH suffers from depression and anxiety too. He has been up and down and on and off medication for years. I miscarried earlier this year, and although he was wonderful support to me throughout, as soon as I was back at work again and feeling better, he crashed into a low.

He's back on citalopram now and now I'm pregnant again and he's been wonderful. I do worry that as time goes on and when we have a newborn at home that he might struggle but we will take each day as it comes. I do try to stay positive for him but also talk to him and get him to express his worries-often I can help him see that a lot of his thoughts are unfounded and sometimes completely irrational! He says it helps.

Stay strong, communicate and be there for him. Hugs xx

Iswallowedawatermelon · 05/07/2014 10:29

I am so sorry to hear this.

I'm glad he is getting medical help soon.

Maybe try and distract yourself (either together or by yourself or with a friend if he can't be with you) by having some sort of treat, day out, date night etc today.

SassehMonsta · 05/07/2014 10:35

I feel for your situation OP. Really like the analogies on here! My dh has bouts of depression like this but Im left to cope on my own as he wont discuss it or get help - boo! I find comforting, feeding and encouraging sleep work well, but so does the simple act of a cuddle and letting him know Im there. Last week I had to pull him in out of the rain as I came home and found him standing on the patio in a thunderstorm. Urgh. I second the advice about putting yourself first though. Selfcare is the key, and it sounds like the 2 of you are doing the right thing :-)

XiX · 05/07/2014 10:47

No advice but wanted to send a Thanks and a Cake (instead of Wine )

Having a first baby is such a intense time in the best of circumstances. I hope everything goes well for you all.

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