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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

DP doesnt want this baby :(

23 replies

icclemunchy · 03/07/2014 20:26

Hi all. Found out 2weeks ago am preg with my 2nd (now 9weeks). Complete accident -well actually it's DPs fault as he didn't use a condom and I didn't realise until after.

The thing is DP really doesn't want this baby. I had 3mc before we had DD and whilst I always really wanted 2 I had resigned myself to no more because he really didn't want one.

I don't know what to do now I tried to consider a termination but I really can't do it but is it fair of me to force another baby on him? He can't give any real reasons except he doesn't want one or that we'll struggle financially (we won't struggle much more than we do now as far as I can see except for less space in the house)

I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose him but I don't quite know how we can go on from this

OP posts:

FiftyShadesOfGreen4205 · 03/07/2014 20:29

The decision to terminate or not is yours and yours alone.

Presumably he has a reasonable grasp on biology to understand the consequences of unprotected sex?

I'm sorry OP, if I was you I would be seriously reconsidering my relationship with this man. 'Duping' you into unprotected sex is in itself unacceptable as is his attitude now.

BigfootFiles · 03/07/2014 20:30

If you post this in Relationships, you might find that helpful. Sounds like the issue is your DP, not the pregnancy, iyswim.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 03/07/2014 20:34

Ultimately he's forced an unplanned pregnancy on you by not wearing a condom (if that was your arrangement). He's had his chance to opt out of a baby but chose not to. His attitude doesn't sound mature or supportive. I'd be seriously thinking about whether you can do this alone.

Original poster

icclemunchy · 03/07/2014 20:40

Tbh his attitude to the condom thing is pissing me off. He's implying it's my fault for not going on the pill and leaving it doe to him. I know that a big part of it is he's being defensive because he knows he's cocked up but it's not helping anyone

OP posts:

CoolCat2014 · 03/07/2014 21:01

He messed up, and he has to face the consequences of that! It's not your fault and he shouldn't put that pressure on you.

Ummmmgogo · 03/07/2014 23:48

Hi I'm in a similar situation. We were trying for baby number 2 for 6 months I got pregnant he changed his mind and asked me to abort. I have left him and am now 12 weeks :-) it's hard being a pregnant single mother, but it's harder being in a relationship with a dickhead!

Saying that, you know him best. Do you think he is just panicking and will come round soon? Or do you think he means it? Either way, stay strong, it's your baby, your body and you have always wanted number 2 so it doesn't sound like a termination would be right for you. Xx

ICanHearYou · 03/07/2014 23:52

He has performed unprotected sex on you without your consent. He cannot now demand you 'do something' about the issue that he created.

The way I see it is, you wanted a second child, you were good enough to respect his views about not having a second child and now through his idiocy you have the chance to have a second child. Take it.

Yes he might not like it but if you remove a child that you actually want, you will resent him for it forever. Your relationship has changed now no matter what you do.

LaurieFairyCake · 03/07/2014 23:53

Lose the man. Keep the baby.

gemand3 · 04/07/2014 00:15

He made the choice to have unprotected sex knowing you weren't on the pill I'm presuming as you have 1 dc already he knows how it works I was in a similar position I got rid of him and now have a gorgeous 4 month old ds don't do something you will regret to keep a man happy

Hakluyt · 04/07/2014 00:19

How could you have not realised he wasn't using a condom?

Hakluyt · 04/07/2014 00:21

But anyway, you have to completely separate choices. To keep th baby or not, and to keep your p or not. You have to make those decisions separately- they are not dependent on each other.

CursiveLetters · 04/07/2014 04:18

Agree w Hakluyt - make your choice about the baby wether you had the partner or not. Then you can move forward from there with your partner.

MultipleMama · 04/07/2014 08:06

I agree with Hakluyt, too. Two seperate issues.

How could you not realise he wasn't wearing a condom Surely, you were paying attention and could've called him out on it. So maybe both you faults, him for not putting it and you for not paying enough attention to realise...

Either way, doesn't now. If you want the baby keep it, but be prepared to maybe having to do it alone. You can't force a baby on him whether it was his fault or not, that can lead to resentment and wouldn't be fair on the baby, or you. Decide for yourself and give him the option to stay or go but he has to want the baby for it to work.

Original poster

icclemunchy · 04/07/2014 13:26

Tbh I'm not sure why I didn't notice. Caught up In the momentum guess, I realised afterwards obv so maybe I should have some blame for not getting he morning after poll or something but equally he never asked me too.

I see his point with some things I have a couple of long term health issues that don't help (although having a 2nd won't really impact on them anymore than DD does) and I had a horrendous birth with DD but he won't even discuss any of that. Just keeps saying he doesn't want another one

I could do it on my own but in reality that would mean me having to move back to my home town 150miles away, it feels really selfish to take DD away from her dad like that because I want this baby. But I don't think I can live with myself if I take the other option

OP posts:

PenguinsHatchedAnEgg · 04/07/2014 13:40

The first thing that leaps out at me from your posts is you saying you can't terminate, couldn't live with yourself, and that you always wanted more children.

That sounds like a person who wants the baby, but not to be in the circumstances you are in.

I am strongly pro-choice, but only when a woman chooses to do so, freely and for herself (incidentally, I wouldn't say your DH got to decide anyway, but why does a man who doesn't want children and knows that there is no other contraception in place not use a condom? Stupidity? Selfishness? An assumption that any 'problem' will not end up being his?)

You don't sound like you want to terminate, and if you don't, don't. Work out the rest as it comes. I hope that your DH is behaving in a panic and utterly out of character, but he sounds like he's being a bit of a dickhead about the whole thing. If you tell him that abortion is not an option, what do you think he will say?

squizita · 04/07/2014 13:52

afterwards obv so maybe I should have some blame for not getting he morning after poll or something but equally he never asked me too.

Errr... NO! You're a couple with a DC therefore you can reasonably expect that if he doesn't use a condom and you aren't on the pill, he was OK with the idea conception might occur!?! Why would you have to ask/arrange for the morning after pill and have the hassle of that because he fancied his fun bare backed on night but then suddenly decides he doesn't want another kid?

Original poster

icclemunchy · 04/07/2014 18:19

He is being a dickhead, but it's also fairly out of character for him to act like this. If anything it makes it harder, if he was always a knob I'd tell him to sod off but I do love him and don't usually really have any problems.

I've told him I won't be having an abortion but he just repeated he doesn't want another baby and refused to talk about it. I think I'm going to give him until my first scan to ever come around to the idea or decide he doesn't want to stick around. After that I guess I'll have to make the choice for him

OP posts:

Hakluyt · 04/07/2014 20:35

Icclemumchy-he deliberately had sex with you without a condom without discussion or pre planning. He is now refusing to face up to the consequences. This is not the behaviour of a man you can trust.

You were, you have to admit, daft not to realise he wasn't using a condom, and then not going for the MAP as soon as you did. But it was his responsibility to use a condom if he didn't want a baby. Be very, very careful in your further dealings with this man.

PenguinsHatchedAnEgg · 04/07/2014 20:45

I agree with what Hak has just said.

But also, re-reading your posts, has your DP actually mentioned wanting you to have an abortion? I notice that, when you talk about it, you've talked about him saying he doesn't want another, rather than other phrasing.

The reason I mention it is that I had an unplanned pregnancy. I spent quite a lot of time saying "I don't think I want another baby", but what I was really doing was dealing with the shock. I wanted to rewind time. Not to actually move forward with either of the available solutions for my situation.

Of course, your DP has fucked up utterly big time here. His behaviour over the condom was appalling if he genuinely doesn't want another child and wants you to terminate now. But I don't know him or you. I guess it's also possible from what you've written that he's grasping at 'I want to rewind time' scenarios and not yet acknowledging the situation as it is. Or that he's seeing termination as that reset button and not appreciating that things will change massively whatever happens now?

Good luck with whatever happens. You sound like you've made your decision about the pregnancy. People here will be very supportive.

Chunderella · 05/07/2014 14:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaceyLee · 05/07/2014 15:23

You are so not forcing another baby on him. He had unprotected sex with you and you are in a long term relationship. He is being an idiot and needs to face up to his responsibilities. I don't think I could stay with someone like that but perhaps he will realise that he's being an utter idiot and very unfair to you

SourSweets · 05/07/2014 15:26

OP I was pressured into a termination from a partner. The relationship didn't survive, in fact it was pretty much over as soon as the termination was. I regret allowing him to have that influence over me to this day. Don't be pressured like I was. Don't think that your feelings are worth less than his.

I could say much much more but it's too painful. Good luck with whatever YOU decide to do.

LittleMissRayofHope · 05/07/2014 15:39

Sorry he is behaving like that! I agree with some of the PP's here that it is partly your fault but at the same time I do feel the responsability is more his ten yours. But at any point either of you could have discussed whether to get the morning after pill or not.
I am 29 weeks with my second and my DH basically did the same thing but we always wanted a second and he did it to start trying for our second but he never discussed it with me as he is rubbish at those types of conversations. I did speak to him after about the pill and he said, quite sheepishly, not to get it. I was a little annoyed that he hadn't discussed this but at the same time happy to be trying again.

I also agree with the fact that you will hate him if you terminate. Over time you will feel awful about it as you clearly want this baby and I think depriving you of a second child that you want is worse then 'forcing' him into second time parenthood. He has got the choice to walk away if he feels that strongly but you can't undo a termination... It will be tough alone but if you guys disagree that much it might be aswell to at least plan for going it alone

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