Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

Original poster

Husband's out until gone 1am AGAIN

19 replies

Lalalax3 · 30/06/2014 01:17

Less than a week ago my husband said he was going out for lunch with a friend, and came home drunk at about 1:30am.

Today he went to the cricket with a friend (an all day thing) and then to see a play but he's still not home. It's 1:15am now.

He's definitely where and with whom he says he is, he's not lying to me as such, but I can't help but feel he's acting a little irresponsibly with a 31 weeks pregnant wife at home. I'm still v sick with HG so I can't go out with him at all really, except to places really nearby.

How would you react in a similar situation? Am I a bitch for feeling angry about this?

OP posts:

PopcornFrenzy · 30/06/2014 01:23

I would be a bit miffed at this...do you have other children?

Original poster

Lalalax3 · 30/06/2014 01:27

No, this is our first. I'm annoyed because he keeps telling me that he thinks he's depressed and needs to see a doctor, yet then behaves like this rather than making an appointment. I've needed him a lot more since becoming so ill and he just hasn't been able to deal with it. I'm scared of what'll happen when our DS arrives. He'll be wretched tomorrow and I'll still be livid.

OP posts:

PopcornFrenzy · 30/06/2014 01:38

I think you need to have a long talk about his responsibilities, pretty soon he's going to be a Dad and that has to take priority over going out on the lash. The fact that you are poorly means he should be facing up to his responsibilities as a husband too. Sometimes they need to be told 'I'm feeling like rubbish and really need looking after'.

Hope he's back soon, but don't go mental at him while he's drunk imo it has no effect so while I understand that you're angry wait til morning.

bugoven · 30/06/2014 06:06

My OH has had a busy few weeks at work including a week of working late concluding in a night out which I insisted on collecting him from at 11.30pm after an honest chat in which I said I needed him around (he didn't appear until 11.50pm but I didn't make a fuss). He didn't complain and agreed at 30 weeks now was a good time to start making sure he was available and always able to drive should I need him to. I gave a work friend a lift home which made me very popular having saved them the £40 taxi fare home. Everyone else apparently went onto a casino and stayed out until 3am so our chat saved us a fall out and possibly some much needed money!!!

I would definitely recommend a conversation in which you make it clear you need him. My OH (like me) hasn't been expecting a child before and I think he is terrified and unsure what to do to best support me. Telling him exactly what I would like from him was actually welcomed rather than resisted.

I haven't had HG but have felt and been unwell in one way or the other throughout pregnancy and it's been hard and lonely at times. Hope you get the support you need. Good luck X

Boogles91 · 30/06/2014 07:06

Im sorry he is behaving this way, from my experience you dont think your depressed, you dont even know! Depression isnt a feeling, its a very dark place. And he sounds like a child! U need to talk with him and tell him hes supposed tp be your husband! And to act like an adult and grow up abit, gawd if all men behaved this way years ago, most of us wouldnt be who we are today with proper manners, and learnt what lifes all about. He also needs to face up to reality that he is going to be a dad soon too! If his mum wiped his backside all his life then uve got a loooong problem and way to go in trying to turn him into a man. Im lucky that my hubby is a real man and knows his priorities....he even feels bad when he wants to go out as he doesnt like leaving me but i always tell him its fine and ill be ok by myself and that he shouldnt feel so bad. X

Original poster

Lalalax3 · 30/06/2014 11:58

PopcornFrenzy and bugoven Thanks for such thoughtful responses, he's feeling pretty rough and sorry for himself today, exactly as I predicted he would! He knows that he should've called to let me know his later plans and check I was ok, so I think there's a good deal of guilt thrown in there for good measure. I'll have a proper chat to him later when he's sorted himself out a bit.

Boogles91 I wouldn't jump to such extreme conclusions about him based on my one post. He has suffered from depression in the past, and received treatment for it (as have I, for the last 16 years), my frustration stems from the fact that he knows what his triggers are and is currently ignoring them. We've been together for 8 years, and I can certainly vouch for his credentials as a 'real man' (whatever that is). His mum certainly didn't wipe his backside all his life, she emotionally abused and neglected him, so his concerns about parenting stem from that.

OP posts:

PopcornFrenzy · 30/06/2014 12:04

I'm not entirely sure what a 'real' man is either, glad he's feeling rough he might understand that this is what you're feeling like every day though no fault of your own.

Might make him wise up...meanwhile have you got any pots and pans to badh around

Original poster

Lalalax3 · 30/06/2014 12:08

PopcornFrenzy I've called him out, 'You're depressed, go and see the doctor then', he's going this afternoon.

OP posts:

bugoven · 30/06/2014 12:13

Really pleased he's going to ask for the doctor's advice. I hope they will reassure him and he should be proud of himself for being honest. You sound like a strong couple who will make fantastic parents.

CoolCat2014 · 30/06/2014 15:37

Glad he's going for help... I've had several episodes of major depression in the past, and going out and getting drunk to try to make it all go away for a few hours wouldn't be uncharacteristic for depression... Even if he hasn't behaved that way before.

ithoughtofitfirst · 30/06/2014 17:13

Aww sorry OP that's really stressful for both of you :(

Hugs xx

Original poster

Lalalax3 · 30/06/2014 19:22

Hi all, so I pushed DH to go to the GP today, which he did, and he has a prescription for citalopram (which really helped him in the past) and a phone number to call for CBT. He knows he has to start dealing with this in a more constructive way, for all our sakes!

OP posts:

CoolCat2014 · 30/06/2014 19:40

Hope it all gets better for you & him :)

PopcornFrenzy · 30/06/2014 19:55

Sounds like you're heading in the right direction OP, you sound like a strong lady and are going to be a fab parent. I'm glad your DH has starting his journey to getting better.

ithoughtofitfirst · 01/07/2014 10:38

Hey OP how's it going? Any developments? Xx

Original poster

Lalalax3 · 01/07/2014 10:54

Hiya, it's ok, husband's started on his tablets and is going to get on the list for counselling. He works from home a lot so he was with me all day yesterday but he's out at a read-through today (he's a writer) so he'll be kept busy, which is probably a good thing. We've got our first NCT class on Thurs which I hope will show him how normal his anxiety about being a dad is, and give him tips for how to support me.

OP posts:

ithoughtofitfirst · 01/07/2014 11:08

Fab. Really glad he is taking positive steps to managing his depression. I had depression when I was pregnant and almost ignored the fact I wad about to have a baby to look after. The better you manage the illness between you the more you will enjoy the experience. The NCT class should be fun! X

Original poster

Lalalax3 · 02/07/2014 22:44

I'm so down tonight. I can't cope with an anxious husband and a horrid HG pregnancy. I feel so alone, and like he's checked out at the time when I need him the most.

OP posts:

PopcornFrenzy · 02/07/2014 23:02

Oh OP I'm sorry to hear that, I'm here if you need a sounding board, I know I'm only words on a screen but I'm a real person who is in her own (DP is a soldier who works away mon-fri)

Flip