Feeling disappointed with some friends' responses

[Chloris33]

Have you felt disappointed by any responses from friends when you've told them you are pregnant? I'm trying to be understanding, because I know everyone has their personal situations going on, but I do feel a bit let down/sad in relation to a few friends. One hasn't responded at all yet -- I emailed her the news last week, and today I texted as I thought she might not have got the email. My closest friend went bright red when I told her, and had a very restrained response - I think I need to talk sensitively sometime to her about what feelings she might be having. But I can't say I wasn't really disappointed. It has been very noticeable that the friends who haven't responded, or showed much enthusiasm, are friends who don't have kids themselves, and whose relationships are a bit complicated. I've had lots of lovely responses too, but I wondered if anyone else finds the less enthusiastic responses a bit difficult? I don't expect everyone to be enthusiastic about babies, but I guess I just want friends to feel how important this is for me.

But isn't jealousy a valid feeling? We all get it, not always at the best time either, but sometimes it's fully justified.

I didn't day they should gush. I said a heartfelt congratulations should be within everyone's remit. And the OP has said several times now that she is confident none of these friends have experienced personal loss related to pregnancy.

*say

Perhaps your friend is hacked off that you shared the news by email rather than telling her

Look, generally speaking friends should definitely be happy and congratulate you -btw, congrats!

But if they are a little lukewarm, the thing to do is not dwell on it, because you can't know what's causing it, being selfishness or just some personal sadness.

Hopefully they will join in celebrating your news as time goes on.

My own brother only send me a thumb up when we announced we are pregnant with dc2 and that was it. With our first we told them personally and they kind of ignored us and changed the subject.. (They have a daughter who is turning 5 in July and had a still born last year march when she was 34 weeks pregnant)

It was very painful for me that my friends where more happier for us then my own family..

You are not alone in this..

I said a heartfelt congratulations should be within everyone's remit

All I am saying is for some people (not necessarily the OPs friends, but some) it really, really isn't within their remit, and rather than making them rude or bad, it actually makes them deserving of sympathy.

Goats Yup, anger and jealousy are part of mourning and denying those feelings because you want to be 'nice' can be enormously harmful in the long run.

Jealousy and anger may be 'natural' but they are not positive character traits, and are self-destructing as well as being traits that can harm personal relationships.

Yes you deal with jealousy and anger in your life, it may be something that people struggle with for a multitude of reasons but dealing with them involves reducing them and how they impact your life.

UML mindfulness of painful emotions is the only way to healthily deal with and neutralise their impact. All emotions are valid: both those which are positive and those which are negative. You cannot just make them instantly go away if you (or society) don't like them, reduce or repress them before they have been dealt with - especially because it happens to upset others (would you suggest a person with clinical depression 'cheer up' because depression is damaging?). Unfortunately it simply isn't that easy. It's a journey and mainly women are often expected just to snap out of depression and anxiety because it's inconvenient to everyone else, rather than others who are in a 'good place' having a bit of empathy and sympathy for them. In a few years time they may be able to celebrate births and pregnancies in others - but if they're not there yet they need sympathy and support even more.

I am not talking about the kind of anger and jealousy most people feel day to day: I'm talking about women whose mental health has been impacted on quite severely. It's not talked about how common this is.
They cannot simply 'reduce' these things (or at least, reducing them involves psychological support over months or even years) but often struggle with an extremely raw, visceral sense of unfairness and loss.

I dread to think what any poor woman lurking on this thread over from the miscarriage/infertility boards might think of her own feelings based on some of the comments here. She might feel shame at what are very natural feelings indeed. Feelings which the "lucky ones" should be reaching out and empathising/supporting her with, not expecting her to fit in with our happy little bubbles.

I agree with most of what you are saying, as I said, these feelings may be natural but you need to deal with them.

But like I mentioned in my other message, if this is the case, open communication is best, saying you're happy for them but you will find this difficult to deal with because of x y or z problem.

That's nit denying the problem, that's just communicating do you're friend knows and can support you, even if it by avoiding talking about it.

That's not denying the problem, that's just communicating so you're friend knows and can support you, even if it by avoiding talking about it.

I have to agree with some of the posters on here. As someone that has had fertility issues, fertility treatment and a miscarriage hearing baby news can be incredibly heartbreaking. Sometimes I could do it and sometimes it felt physically impossible, that was hard for me as it made me feel like such a jealous and nasty individual. It's hard to describe the feelings that you encounter during fertility treatment and miscarriage. As for knowing exactly whatis going on with your friends, I have an extremely close group of friends that I see weekly and I didn't speak to them about my journey until id been ttc for 2 years, had fertility treatment and suffered a miscarriage, it fled like something I should only be sharing with dh.

On a lighter note after a successful ivf I am now 6 weeks pregnant and hoping for my happy ending.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that human emotions are a complex thing, there may be many reasons that they haven't expressed there excitement, try not to take it personally-it's not as exciting for them as it is for you!!

Congratulations x

I can understand why someone with fertility problems or after miscarriages might find your news upsetting. And you really don't know whose ttc (I only told 1 or 2 close friends) and what people's situations are. But at the same time they also don't know how much it took for you to get to 12 weeks with a healthy baby... and I think no matter what I'd been through I would be glad they weren't suffering like me or that they had got through if they had. So I would say congratulations and smile and then go off and cry in private.

What's more upsetting is those people you know should be happy for you, not being - parents, grandparents, pregnant friends or friends with young babies. Even single friends and those who openly say they never want kids or at least don't want them until they've bought a house or have been on holiday or got married. Id find their indifference hurtful, especially if they are close to me!

I have yet to announce pregnancy but when I told an old friend that we were going to start a family she was shocked and horrified! I know and respect that she doesn't want to have children but I've always been broody and am married with our own house so didn't expect her to react like that. Wonder what she'll think when I say I am pregnant and won't be drinking for her 30th.
When we announce we'll be being a bit sensitive around one couple as they've been having difficulties ttc with a few m/cs along the way. In fact I might mention the possibility of it to her early as she knows we're ttc already.

You say you are fully aware of their situations but it sounds very very likely that you are not aware of something. There are lots of people who wouldn't tell anyone. Me and DH don't share our fertility problems with anyone but we are very much in the career/travel chat instead. Absolutely no-one in RL knows apart from my doctors and infertility nurses.

I didn't tell anyone that we were TTC (and not getting anywhere for 2+ years). Objectively it would have looked like I wasn't interested.

I am one of the last few of my friends to get pregnant. Prior to falling pregnant, I struggled every time I heard about someone else's pregnancy. Despite wanting so desperately to be happy for them, and hopefully conveying this on the outside, inside it's made me want to cry because I so wanted it to be me (but OH wasn't ready). I even thought about leaving Facebook at one point as my news feed sometimes felt like it was just a feed about other people's children and this just made me feel depressed.
I don't think any of my friends would have realised this as I didn't share these feelings with anyone at all. I was too embarrassed.

I think the main reason for this upset was that over the years as my friends stated having children, I'd mentally convinced myself I'd never conceive - not because of any history of infertility/miscarriage (I'd never tried), but just had this strong feeling I'd never be a mum. Nobody knew this. Not even my OH. I didn't share this as thought they'd think I was crazy, but I 'knew' it was a 'fact'. I'd imagine any personal feelings like this would only be compounded by any history of TTC or miscarriage.
Now I'm pregnant and on the other side, my best friend has struggled with my news. She used to call me loads, and now it's me making all the effort and I think she's avoiding me. Even my sister who I'm really close to also struggled to even congratulate me - there was a long silence when I told her. It can hurt on both sides, but I think more so for those desperately wishing for children and I think it's important to not take it personally and to be sensitive if someone's reaction is not as positive as you'd hoped, it almost definitely is due to some underlying emotional turmoil - whether that's a longing for children not expressed, or the inevitable changes to your relationship as friends.