Why do mums sometimes make you feel soooo bad?

[Layla001]

I'm 33 weeks. A horrific pregnancy the whole way through so far (hyperemesis, heart palpitations, fainting, pelvic pain, heart burn, low iron, crumbling nails.... You name it). Hence I literally can't wait for baby to be out. Lately the topic of birth has come up.

And I feel terrible saying this but if I do not get it out I will sat something really bad at home. Here is the nutshell. I am starting to get nervous about giving birth. I have already talked to my mother about how hearing some people suggest child birth should be easy, and should not require any pain relief upsets me.

However she does not listen. And I have now had to hear 4 times in two days how SHe thought it was a breeze. I have heard her mock my auntie who needed "all the drugs in the world rich effect your baby for weeks and weeks afterwards." She keeps harping on and rolling her eyes about the idea of gas and air, taking every opportunity to tell me she did it "all natural" and "women just need to get in with it."

I could right now really throw an egg right in her face. It is sooooo draining and annoying. She also keeps making negative noises about breast feeding which I want to try. "Urgh it is disgusting, I remember my mother with your auntie when she was little, she looked line a cow squirting milk everywhere." She is literally driving me nuts. And I am ashamed to say - I keep Loki g at her and thinking - I don't really like you right now.

She is otherwise loving and kind. But lately her filter and listening skills are zero. I talk, but dye can't hear.

Anyone else's mother have the same effect on them during pregnancy?

Excuse the typos. My silly phone.

Ignore your mother and do things your way. This time it's your baby, and if you want all the drugs going then that is up to you!

Avoid the topic with her, and it doesn't sound like she has much useful advice.

Best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy - not long to go now,

Do you live with her? If not, I would strongly suggest you ration the amount of time you spend with her as this is an emotionally charged time for you. The point is, it's your turn, you are doing it, feeling your feelings and going to have your birth experience. She sounds jealous to me. My mum was utterly crap in a completely different way and it really affected me - I got through by reducing and managing the communication with her to quite a limited degree the further on I got.

Everyone's birth experience is unique and you should have all and any pain relief you need. And breastfeeding is wonderful if you can and want to do it. You know full well that what she's saying is nonsense, so the priority is limiting how much you have to hear it.

Do it your way! You will be so glad later on if you stick to your guns.

Was about to say the same, just ignore her. If the topic comes up say I don't want to talk about it as your negative comments are really hurting me.

My mother really couldn't get her head around breastfeeding, I am the only one out of my 3 sisters to do it and she thought it was 'disgusting' and 'wrong' it was only after I said...it's non of your bloody business butt out.

what snowing said. Hard as it is ignore your mum & don't encourage the topic of childbirth in her presence.

My mum is always very supportive of me but she was definitely NOT keen on the idea of a home birth for my first DC....so I didn't tell her till afterwards (fairly easy as we lived 200 miles apart at the time).

If you're mum's going to be judgemental about your birth then just don't give her any of the details unless you have to (a CS will be obvious, but she'll be none the wiser about the gas and air). There are no medals for going without pain relief.

Oh and talk to your auntie about BF if you can. It helps to have supporters in the early days when it can be a bit tough going.

I think all first time mums soon develop the "my baby, my rules" mindset. There's a 1001 people out there who will happily give you every opinion under the sun on how to care for your baby/small child. By all means listen to them, but make your own choices.

Having lost my mum a year ago and facing my first ever pregnancy and without her, I can't really comment as you're so lucky to still have yours about. You might not think so? Maybe take a step back and think of the bigger picture? Have a chat with her, and say "my baby, my way".

grrrrrr. You've hit upon one of my pet hates here OP. I want to punch woman who bang on and on about this sort of shit. I had a friend whose babies both came shooting out like champagne corks and spent months telling me, somewhat smugly, 'babies don't need to be pushed out, they come out of their own accord.' (Well tell that to my son with his 99th centile head! Pushed for two hours and he didn't budge an inch...)

Ignore ALL of these people. They're idiots. Every labour experience is different and you should just take whatever you need to get through it. You may did you do perfectly well on has and air, you may need the epidural. It's your labour, your body and your choice.

Sorry - just read your original message properly and realise you're talking about YOUR Mum, as opposed to Mums in general. Not trying to call your Mum an idiot but just making the point that your labour experience is likely to be very different to the next woman's so just go with your gut instinct and don't feel pressurised to 'go natural' if you need pain relief. Good luck xx

Do you need to see your Mum every day? I love my parents very much but they have very different views to me and DH about everything.

Sometimes the only thing to do is see them a bit less or just change the subject. My hinting at the fact I want a home-birth was enough for me to realise that it just was not worth discussing with my Dad! On other subjects i change the subject, suddenly discover a nappy that needs changing or need the loo.

In general some parents/people/mothers just don't seem to understand that what was so for them is not so for other people. It is the one bit of parenting that drives me mad, especially if they think that people who don't do it their way are doing it wrong.

Oh dear - that does sound very annoying.... Well, my only birth plan was to have an epidural ASAP which my mother bit her tongue about. Didn't work out as it happens but you have to do what is right for you - I think labour can be very different for different women. I still feel huge empathy for people who do ask for an epidural as soon as they can. And, personally, I never felt the 'urge' to push that most women do. It hurt like hell and I was only too willing to try to push each baby out, to stop the pain, but I certainly didn't 'breathe' the baby out... Hah. (Had to excuse myself from a yoga class in primrose hill while nearly wetting myself laughing at that idea - was pregnant with baby number 2 and in a room full of first time mums with a super model's yoga teacher - who, incidentally, had never given birth. Sorry, I digress....)

Talk to your mum and tell her she's upsetting you. You'll do things your way (with medical advice of course) - which is the best for you and your baby - and it's not very supportive if you have to listen to somebody you care and respect belittling your (well considered and educated) choices. You could add you want to maintain your good relationship and think persistent (maybe unconscious?) criticism of your plans isn't really helping.

As for breast feeding - tell her to google the benefits. I wanted to but it didn't really work out for me either time and I felt awful as there were so many people telling me I should keep trying or my baby will have a lower IQ, be less healthy, not bond with me so well, etc. Whatever you decide on will attract it's critics apparently. Particularly tough when it's your mum though. Hope you can have a tactful but honest chat!

Err - 'its' critics... iPhone autocorrect

Will she be there at the birth? If not, just lie and tell her you had no pain relief. That way you wont have to listen to her going on at you.

Have whatever you think you need. There's no shame whatsoever in asking for pain relief.

As for breastfeeding, it sounds like your mother is a prude! How on earth she can call it disgusting is beyond me. It's the most natural thing in the world! Good job you weren't born 100 years ago otherwise it sounds like she'd have let you starve to death. Either that or palmed you off with a wet-nurse.

As others have said, if you don't live with her, limit the time you spend with her. Your hormones wont help your tolerance levels for her, but even the most calm and tolerant of people would have a hard time swallowing her "advice". She sounds like a total idiot.

What would she say/do if you were honest and said "look mum, I don't really agree with some of your views and would prefer that you shut the fuck up that we didn't talk about it" ?

My mum is the opposite but still quite . She seems to take everything in her stride and won't listen that I'm worried or would actually like advice (because "old people giving advice is annoying").

E.g.
"Breastfed one no problems, Formula for the other, no problems. It'll be fiiiiinnnne whatever you do..."
Which I know is comforting but it doesn't really acknowledge that I am worried about all sorts of things.

She did tell me "you'll cry a lot in the first few weeks, everyone does..." which was somewhat comforting.

would you run a marathon without shoes? without water? I dont think so. This type of martyrdom "oh im amazing and your shit" gets my goat! Take what you need! and fuck what anyone else said / does/ did!

No one gets a medal for how they gave birth. I did it on g&a last time, next time I'm asking for an epidural. Who cares how you gave birth as long as you and the baby are ok?

If you want to bf, them give it a go. Ignore your mum, maybe try and not have these conversations with her or change the subject. Or just tell her to shush.

It took me having a meltdown in front of dm and mil to get them to both back off. But I was getting sick of mil telling me how her pg was a breeze. She's happy to tell everyone dh was an accident when she was on the pill, she didn't know she was pg until about 5 months and she was still paragliding at 8 months. She leaves out the bit that she insisted fil got snipped as soon as dh was born!

I could have knocked her out when she said my sickness was all in my head! And with my dm she's become an expert overnight after having 3 stepgrandchildren last year so I'm constantly hearing about how the others are doing things. With you op.it's so annoying!

My mum likes to tell everyone that pain is all in the mind and she wasn't one of these women who made a lot of noise during childbirth. Also that she 'didn't want to get my tits out in front of your nan' and that's her reason for not breastfeeding any of her kids. Hmm. She's obviously v uncomfortable when I'm breastfeeding DC2 but it's not her choice so she can butt out. So ner.

As you can see, you're not the only one to be reduced to the level of a teenager by your mum! No advice I'm afraid other than smile, ignore, do it your way. Two kids in and my mum still thinks she knows better than me she'll always have the advantage because she had three children. Sigh

Yes! I told my mum that 2 of our friends newborns are feeding every hour, and she said 'that's ridiculous!' When I explained that it's actually normal she kept saying 'no, it's not, you didn't feed that much I just let you cry'. Brilliant.

Gas and air was brilliant after nine months sober. I'd recommend having a good old honk on it, even if you're not finding the pain too bad.

I had one painful birth and asked for an epidural, and one birth which wasn't too bad just on gas and air. So I would say it's nothing to do with the woman and how much she can/will "endure" (although why we should put up with pain is beyond me) and it's just one of those things.

Guaranteed, no one will know how you birthed your baby. So if anyone asks, you can say whatever you want. Your baby won't call you on it!

As for bfing, I empathise completely. My family were not supportive in the least about it-but I told them straight out, if it bothers them that much, THEY can leave. DD is almost 2, we're still nursing and no one says a word.

It's hard being a new mum, but you do end up growing a thick skin. If you don't stick up for your baby, who will?

Hobbes8 -" Gas and air was brilliant after nine months sober. I'd recommend having a good old honk on it, even if you're not finding the pain too bad."

This made me laugh - thank you.

Thank you for all the thoughtful comments. Makes me feel I am not so bad for allowing my mum to get to me. I have no issue with people having an opposite opinion on this sort if stuff - but I DO have an issue with my own family choosing to smugly give a view just for the sake of giving a view and showing off when they know it would make me feel bad.

I have told her 3 times those kinds of comments only make me feel worse. But she literally ignores me. Mind you I grew up in a very non-validating household so why I still let it annoy me I do not know. Some people definitely like to choose opening their mouth over protecting someone who is currently feeling vulnerable and scared.

I vow to myself now I will not do this to my unborn baby!

Ps I was going to buy a 'modesty' shawl for BF. Not because I feel uncomfortable but to protect my mother. Someone mentioned her being a prude - yes she is in many ways.

However now I feel like getting my baps out at her breakfast table and pumping furiously on a handheld breast pump whilst reading the paper.

now I feel like getting my baps out at her breakfast table and pumping furiously on a handheld breast pump whilst reading the paper

lol - good plan! Who is uncomfortable with bfing in this day and age? Try your best to ignore her. I think I would be tempted to laugh in her disapproving face.

My mum was never disapproving. How awful!

I would just tell her that you will have your baby by any means necessary to get through it. If she makes any further comments you won't feel comfortable telling her about the birth. And re. Feeding it is your choice and you won't be pressured either way. Does your mum have jealousy issues around her sister/your aunt. It sou ds like her arrival has shaped her ideas of babies and she has relished the opportunity to take a dig.