I've made this huge mistake and it's forever

[Lostlonelyandheartbroken]

I'm around four months pregnant with this big belly and I hate it. Properly hate it.
This is a longed for, planned pregnancy, I thought I knew what I was getting into. Now it's here I just feel awful. And I know what a terrible person I am having these thoughts. When I think of all the women who TTC for years and what they go through I know I am very lucky to be pregnant.
And with (so far) a healthy baby.
This pregnancy is a mistake. I'm not ready to put someone else first all the time for the rest of my life. I'm not a good person, I'm not going to be a good mother.
I already hate not sleeping, sleeping too much, not eating, eating too much, throwing up, having no control over my emotions. I'm so exhausted and just lazy everything around me is falling apart and needs a damn good clean. I hate the feeling of this thing moving inside me. I keep thinking of the moment in Alien just before it pops out of that guys stomach.

When I try to tell people in RL they laugh at me, saying I'll feel different when it comes. I can't see it myself.

I'm constantly worried about money, some things went wrong just after conception and we are not on the secure financial base I thought we were. We are looking to trade in our pensions to be free and clear before this thing arrives.

Am I the only person who feels like they are slowly dying and no one around notices? This child will need love and support forever. It's more than I have to give.

I think you sound exceptionally RATIONAL!

Yes it is a huge change, and it's scary being pregnant trying to imagine how big a difference it will become in the future, and there are days when I think, Christ almighty I just need a drink, but you have to find a way of dealing with that. Whether it be with support through GP or partner, or family, or on here!

You aren't the first to feel like this, and you certainly won't be the last. Yes it's a big change, but it's also the most wonderful thing that will ever happen to you and your partners lives. Just think of the adventure the two of you are going to have together.

And if and when it gets too much, don't ever feel alone, because you aren't. Well done for saying this out loud, that already is a sign that you are going to be an incredible mother!

Best wishes xx

I could have written your post ten years ago. I went into denial when the line went blue. I sobbed and sobbed. I was trapped and could not see any way out. I didn't seek help then but put on a brave face, at least in public.

I'm fairly sure if I had expressed my fears and got some help (other than my husband saying 'you'll be fine') then I wouldn't have had such bad post natal depression.

You are braver than I by posting this and I'm positive that you will be a great mother.

I wish I'd known about Mumsnet when I was pregnant.

Our daughter will be ten next month. I still don't know all the answers, sometimes I still feel anxious about the future but I am doing my best to give her the tools she needs to get on in life. Every day that goes by it gets better.

In the end my husband was right - I am fine.

All the best for you.

I don't feel entirely qualified to advise, but I just wanted to say the baby moments feeling like Alien is exactly how I felt in both pregnancies,

I know it is supposed to be lovely and enjoyable. Of course I was reassured that the babies were moving and ok, but actually, I really disliked the sensation of the baby moving inside me, especially early on. It freaked me out.

Do speak to your GP. And do remember, how you feel now is not necessarily any indication of how you will feel once your baby is born.

OP, I didn't want to read and run. I too felt like this with my first 8 years ago. I went into full panic melt down. DP didn't understand and I couldn't really tell him the full extent of how I was feeling. Everything was out of control.

I would like to say that you really must speak with a GP. Get treatment now-unlike me and have it develop into PND and battle on through with a new baby & sleepless nights. This had a knock on effect in that I didn't snap into my new mother role well, the feeling of having made a mistake stayed with me for a long time. BUT it did change, I realised one day that if anything happened to pfb I would be devastated and that I really did love him more than anything. It also had an effect on my marriage.

Accept help now and after the birth. If possible once you are well- exercise, this helped me greatly, I found a gym with a crèche. Don't be wonderwomen, take each moment as it comes.

And please please please seek help if you have any 'dark thoughts' There is help out there, see your gp. Please don't go through what I did. My dh went to work not knowing if I would still be there when he got home either because I'd left or because I'd walked in front of a truck. He lived in fear- It dosent just affect you.

Feel free to pm me. Sorry if this sounds over the top but I really understand where you are right now and I know where it can go, I cant bear the thought of someone else going through it when it can be nipped in the bud and have a much better outcome.

Op I just wanted to say my ds will be three in oct, so I'm three years ahead of you. I had a major oh my god what have we done period when I was pregnant but my son is the light of my life (possibly puke inducing sorry! But true) and in three years time you will have your own lo who will make you laugh as well as year your hair out with frustration too

I'd def visit the doctor, I had pn depression too, it's a major life change, but there are loads of groups you can join, gyms with crèches and other stuff that can help to make things feel less strange and different.

My ds was a squirmer, was very odd when he just wiggled his foot along my tummy!

Just want to add, it's not going to be forever!

Right now you are pregnant, tired out of your senses (with nothing to show for it), and it seems never ending. And it's especially hard when you're pregnant as you can't see your baby!

Although I missed my bump after I had my kids, once things normalised after the birth, I had more energy to actually get through the day - despite the lack of sleep. my pregnancy had me totally and utterly drained, absolutely exhausted... No words to describe it!

The initial period will be challenging but babies are not babies forever... They grow up fast, and they start school and you go through all these emotions you thought you never had!

Get some support, look to get help after the baby is born, we all need 'me' time and it does not make you a bad mother to want time to yourself!

Late to this but wanted to jump on the bandwagon to say (a) you're not alone and (b) see your GP. TBH, I think your feelings are completely sensible - anyone who doesn't panic and feel resentful when they get pregnant are either kidding themselves or haven't realised what's going on yet. Having said that, two years on and my DS is my whole life and my life is much better for it.

You really aren't alone, but I agree with everyone else that it's very important that you talk to your gp or midwife about these feelings, so that you can get help now.

There's absolutely no shame in what you are feeling - please believe me. I think the vast majority of women freak out A LOT - especially with the first pregnancy. Add onto that possible depression, and you can see why you are feeling like this.

It does irritate me that pregnancy is often portrayed as fairies shitting rainbows, with the woman inevitably glowing like fucking buddha for every second due to sheer joy.

That's bullshit, but it's damaging bullshit for the (many) women who go the more rational route of thinking "holy shit".

I felt exactly like you and also found that people in rl just looked at me like I was odd when I tried to talk about it.
I had incredibly severe depression an didn't talk to anyone about it until I was 38 weeks pregnant. By then I wa hearing voices in my head telling me to self harm. I didn't tell the psych nurse that part because I had forgotten that it wasn't normal!

I had all the trigger factors that make ante and post natal depression possible. Amazingly, from the moment that dd was born I was fine 100%. I think it was luck more than anything, so you can't expect a miracle cure, but certainly it doesn't mean that the arrival of your baby will make things harder. For me it was a miracle cure for depression and sickness and loneliness and just about everything in life.

I also had no emotional connection between being pregnant and believing that I would actually have a child. I was convinced that there would never be a child and this horrible pregnancy was some kin if punishment.

Speak to a midwife or gp and ask for help. It can make a massive difference. Speak to your dh and even write it down for him. Tell him you feel crap all the time. That even when you seem happy you actually feel like crap. That you need him to remember that all the time because you feel sad and lonely and physically uncomfortable all the time.

To be thinking about this and aware if so much shows that you really aren't all that selfish. A little footloose and carefree maybe, but not a horrible person

You're not alone. You're not a freak. Ask for help. It will get better.

Part of me knows how you feel. My oh was much keener than me ttc. I was surprised when I got pregnant straight away however I am going with the flow and deciding that it is fate. Whenever I do it it will be difficult but there will be moments of joy amongst the Chaos!

Does sound like depression. But by the third trimester your body releases hormones similar to mood stabilizers apparently. I had the same thoughts as you throughout my pregnancy until about 30 weeks onwards and then I got this sudden spurt of energy ,nested like mad and my motivation sky rocketed up (With both pregnancies ). This lasted until about 6 months after kids were born and I did experience a bit of post natal but nothing major.

OP, so sorry you're feeling like this; really hope you can find someone to listen in RL. Some great advice on the thread.

I'm at 29 weeks in my first pregnancy and there is something terrifying about knowing the inevitability of a total life change without being able to engage with the reality of it or get any of the compensations.

I do (mostly) believe intellectually that I will feel better when the baby's here and I am too busy dealing with what needs to be done to miss my old life, quite apart from getting baby cuddles! But it doesn't make the feelings any less real in the present, and it must be really frustrating when people, with the best intentions, try to minimise your very real feelings.
If it's overwhelming you, definitely get help, including exploring whether you have ante-natal depression.

Oh, and I know what you mean about how alien the kicks feel - I felt like that at the start but I have found I'm getting more used to it over time - seeing the baby (28 week scan) somehow made the movements seem much more normal and pleasant, don't know it would help you.

Good luck with it all!

You aren't alone. I have come through it now but for the first about 4 and a half months of this pregnancy I felt like this many times. People would tell me to enjoy the pregnancy, to relax, to stop worrying etc, but it's as if I couldn't understand what they were saying. I didn't enjoy any of it. Firstly because I felt so poorly, then because I was so afraid that something might be wrong with the baby. Everyone's comments made me feel like a complete failure. They still do sometimes too. I'm enjoying the pregnancy more now (30 weeks) but I'm struggling to attach the bump to the idea of having a baby. When my mum told me the other day: "how odd, I guess that's how fathers must feel", I felt like a complete failure as a mother, again, and was spun into self doubt for days.

Absolutely go and see your GP and try and get help, but also be gentle on yourself. Pregnancy is talked about so positively by so many, but I know from talking to others that it's not a positive experience for everyone and it certainly isn't a reflection of how much you love your baby or how good a mum you'll be.

Very best of luck.

I felt like you and it turned out I had AND. I didn't realise it with DD1 and thought the way I felt was normal.
As soon as she was born, I felt much better until I got pregnant again and then I realised something wasn't right.
I was on AntiDs for DDs 2 and 3, but when I got pregnant with DS, I didn't suffer at all.
I also didn't suffer from PND.

I feel like this now. I secretly have wished to mc. ..how bad is that? even though baby is wanted and planned for...I just feel like the decision was taken out of my hands and pregnancy is rubbish!!!! plus I've had bad sickness and now sciatica....I just want it to be over and I'm not out of the first trimester yet! I'm going with its normal but I hate feeling like a bad person...If I feel like this about an unborn child what will I think when it's here?

Op - I really feel for you. I don't know if this helps at all but I was exactly the same a few months ago. Spent the last few weeks of pregnancy crying myself to sleep feeling like I'd made a horrible mistake. Was already mourning the loss of independence, career, the changes to my relationship with my partner etc etc. I hated babies and couldn't imagine how on earth I'd get through. Was sick to the back teeth of everyone talking about my bump and felt like I'd really lost my own identity.

The first few weeks were tough because sleep deprivation does totally suck. But my son is 5 months old now and I can't imagine being without him for one day. The intensity of my love for him really has taken me by surprise - each day is a revelation. I find myself happily devoting hours and hours to his amusement because hearing him giggle makes me absolutely melt.

I'm not trying to belittle your fears. I was absolutely terrified all through pregnancy. You sound utterly miserable and I sincerely hope you get the support you need. But the future is not necessarily a black hole. You'll find new things that bring you joy, stuff you never expected in a million years. Big hugs xxx

Being pregnant is HARD.

Having all that time being pregnant with the well-advertised Your Life Is Going To Change Forever is HARD.

Be kind to yourself, it is ok to feel how you feel but you shouldn't do this alone - so please talk to your midwife or doctor.

OP, I'm sorry your are feeling like this. I agree with the others that it is best to talk to your gp or midwife about this. You are not alone in feeling this and they can help you! They will not think you aren't fit to be a mother, they will appreciate it a lot that you are concerned and sharing that concern with them.

I felt like that on and off too with dc1. To be honest I think women who DON'T have those sudden second thought panic attacks are the weirdos. It's a terrifying thing. Also didn't help that I watched Alien and Rosemary's baby while pregnant. ..
you are normal. If the sadness doesn't lift after a couple of weeks see your gp or midwife. And I know it sounds cheesy but your baby will bring thr love with it. Maybe not immediately, but it will come. Hundreds of thousands of years of human evolution relied on women loving their babies - it made an amoeba develop into something that has sent rockets to Mars. You will be exhausted with a newborn and it won't be easy, but you WILL be glad to have it.

I cried non stop for the first four months of my first pregnancy. I couldn't understand it, I wanted the baby so much but I was just so fucking sad, I felt like my life was completely over and it was all shit. It did get better.