Partner using drugs whilst I am pregnant

[Kizzy1989]

Hi,

I've never posted on here before, but have read a few threads relating to a similar topic and thought I would give it a go in hope for some moral support and advice.

I'm currently 28 weeks pregnant with my first child. My partner and I have been together for just over three years now, and we have a good relationship. We are very compatible, and I love him to pieces. We have recently been accepted for a mortgage on the house we are living in, and so we are very much serious about settling down and securing our future with a baby on the way.

However, something that is beginning to concern me more and more is that he is a cocaine user. He uses this drug when out with his friends on the weekend. When him and I met three years ago, I knew that he had a history with recreational drug use - as have I. I admittedly smoked cannabis occasionally up until I found out I was expecting back in December 2013. We are very open with each other in regards to our social lives.

However, since being pregnant and of course not having anything to drink or smoking, I have begun noticing my partner going out more often at the weekends and using cocaine. It has come to the point where it is every time he goes out, he feels the need to engage with it.
I have told him a number of times that I'm not entirely happy with him doing this, and the amount of money that is being spent is concerning me when it could be spent on things for our child.
Most recently, I found out that he had lied to me on one particular weekend about where he was going. The truth was that he was going to his friends girlfriends house for a 'session'. He said that he didn't tell me this as he knew I would get annoyed about him being around another girls house, and doing drugs.

Since this occasion, I've felt very paranoid about what he gets up to when he is out on the weekend, where and who with. We've had a few arguments about his lies, and our last one resulted in him saying that he is going to change and that it is time to grow up. Since then, I've found out he has used coke.
Am I being unreasonable to ask him to stop doing this? I really feel like having a baby is a turning point in our relationship and would love for it to work out. However I don't see how having a child will encourage him to stop this social behaviour with his friends. Is it just because I feel left out that I feel this way? I want him to grow up and stop wasting money so frivolously, but he complains that I keep on at him and that I should just relax...

Does anyone have any advice, or has been through a similar situation?

Thanks
H.

No love, you shouldn't'just relax' it sounds as if his use is rapidly increasing at the worst possible time.

He's already lied to you to cover for it, very very bad sign.

I've taken coke in the past, so I'm by no means straight laced, but he's putting it before you already.

I'd lay it on the line now, he has to stop, before it gets really difficult.

I think you've been more than reasonable and understanding. It's time for a ultimatum I think. You and the baby or coke and his friends.

You can't bring a baby in to this type of situation, I personally wouldn't even trust someone with my baby who had been off their face on coke the night before!

Time for your partner to finally come to the world of adults.

Thank you for responding.

I have perhaps not seen using any ultimatum as a possibility, and I'm glad I would be not the only one who is unhappy with the situation!

I am also considering having a chat to his family, before this all gets out of hand? I hope that it doesn't have to come to the point where we cannot be together.

What if the responsible ultimatum is chosen, and he continues to go behind my back and do this?

If he continues, then you follow through with the ultimatum.

It's no excuse but maybe he is freaking out about the responsibility of a child? Try talking to him about how he is feeling about it? Just talking about it might calm him and he won't feel the need to be a twonk

Hi Kizzy1989 I agree with all the above, you are not being unreasonable putting your baby first!

My DC1 is with my ex husband, she was a very wanted baby I thought by us both. My life style changed as soon as I decided I was serious about becoming a parent, his didn't as much. We didn't speak about it, there were other factors involved and I left for many reasons. However it sounds like apart from this issue you have a solid and happy relationship. I am not sure I would speak to his family until you have given him a chance to sort things out himself. I wouldn't trust someone with my baby who had anything like that in their system. I also would hate the thought of things in my house when I had a little curious person wandering about. It doesn't bear thinking about. That is not unreasonable in the slightest!

His lying about it is a big problem, and his doing it in the first place is also a problem. Your baby is clearly your priority, needs to be his too! x

Don't talk to his family yet!

You need to try and sort this out between you first.

He may not even realise it's a problem for you, you need to tell him straight.

Hi kizzy,

I was in a similar situation when I fell pregbant with my first son in 2012, my partner and I both enjoyed our social life's often went out together, I smoked cigarettes etc.

The second I found out I was pregnant I stopped everything, I also asked my partner to stop taking cocaine as I wasn't happy with the affects it would have on he's health, money he was spending it was time to be responsible.

I believe he did for a short while then he stopped saving money etc but promised he wasn't taking cocaine he was I found txts on he's phone about money he owes etc.

I ended up telling he's family.

He still takes it now but he's not half as bad and I'm pregnant with number 2, I've again asked him to stop for all of us but he said he has but I never really no.

X

Hi Kizzy,

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. Living with a drug user can be very difficult.

I must say I agree with the above posters, your priority has to be you and the baby. If he is unable/unwilling to do that, I think you have to take tough action until he can also put you and the baby first.
On my midwife notes there is a tick box section regarding drug misuse in the household, is it worth mentioning to your GP/Midwife for some advice and support? My understanding is that the help for stopping smoking, drinking etc. is not just for mum. Alternatively there are local/national drug helplines/support organisations that may be able to give you some advice too.
I hope you can find a good answer to this.