'You're going to breastfeed? That's a bit... animalistic, isn't it?' ARGH

[sammyad]

The baby's not even here yet, and I've just spent an hour over dinner defending my putative parenting choices to DM and DSis. DM asked ages ago whether I was planning to breast or bottle feed - I gave what I thought was the quite reasonable answer that I'd give breastfeeding a good go, but obviously best-laid plans etc, and not beat myself up if ended up on formula. I assumed that was end of discussion but no - have not heard the end of it.
We're currently living at DM's, as we were planning on moving, place fell through at the last minute, and rather than spend the last couple of months of pregnancy renting and frantically house-hunting, she very kindly suggested we stay with her for a few months until after the baby's here and we can give some more attention to the accommodation issue. Anyway, while she is very kind things are already getting stressful. Everything I have mentioned (usually only when asked as I know this will happen) wanting to try/ doing/ buying gets criticised. BLW - dangerous. Slings - dangerous. Sidecar cots - ridiculous.
The breastfeeding thing though is what's getting me down the most - she's made it quite clear that I'd better not do it anywhere she'll 'be forced to look at it' - I was always intending to be discreet, but assumed I'd be able to sit on the sofa with a drapey top/ shawl. Apparently not. She and sis spent this entire evening as well running through how it's complete rubbish that breastfeeding is better, that I probably won't be able to anyway ('most women find it too difficult... and you've always insisted on wearing underwired bras' ), that it's weird I want to ('hasn't society moved on/ women who breastfeed for longer than a few weeks must be 'getting something out of it'') that my DP will feel left out and will never be able to bond with the baby (despite the fact he's completely supportive), and ending in the triumphant 'it never did you any harm' - despite the fact both DSis and I have struggled with being overweight since we were tiny, and I have coeliac disease - both problems which may link to being bottle rather than breastfed.
I am not some kind of crazy 'formula is poison' person - I know in most cases it probably makes no difference at all, loads of happy, healthy children and brilliant mothers use formula. I know I might find breastfeeding too hard. I just want to give it a go, and would appreciate some support from them instead of ridicule and what feels like active attempts to make life harder. I feel like if something happens and I give up, they'll be pleased and vindicated, rather than sympathetic. Just so fed up.

(In case you hadn't noticed, this is a rant rather than a question... Apologies )

"Well, the conception was quite animalistic..."

Move out or tell them now to stfu. Seriously. A big blow up now is better than having to deal with it when the babies born.
If you're feeling vulnerable now I can guarantee it'll be 1000x worse when the baby arrives. And living in a stressful situation puts you at greater risk of PND.

I think your plan of action is a good one. They sound very ignorant and unsupportive so there is no point in debating your choices with them. This is your baby and your chance to do it however you choose.

My DM let her MIL dictate how she fed her first. By the time her 3rd baby came MIL had lost interest and DM got to bf the rest. But 40+ years later, my DM remembers and still regrets not standing up for what she wanted.

I also second telling (not asking) them to support your decisions or keep their opinions to themselves. You don't need that shit.

Interesting that your reasons for not feeling you can move now are based on the fact that you don't have time - at 34 weeks I would have assumed that your DP would do 100% of the work (with paid help if necessary).

Seriously it's easier than you think. It's not like you need to search for ages to find your forever home, or arrange to transport everything you own. Finding a furnished flat that is available for a short let is really not going to take long. Letting markets are fast-moving and it's quite normal for contracts to be signed on the same day as the viewing. It's not going to be for long so you can just trust him to find somewhere. You can just take the basics and leave stuff that you don't need in the long term at the in-laws until you do have time to move.

I can't emphasise enough how much better an idea it is to move before your baby comes. Having a newborn is overwhelming and you may be overestimating how much energy you will have for househunting after the baby arrives. You could be stuck in a negative hostile environment for a very long time if you stay there.

Try to move out asap - no-one needs to be picked at and undermined, not least when you're finding your feet as a parent.

and try to to get worked up about BF - you have a good attitude already, don't let go of that (FWIW I've BF both mine, and found it super easy - but then I have trouble finding a clean mug for tea so formula was always going to cause me more stress)

We lived with my parents when DS1 was born... I was breastfeeding and she basically made me feel like I was starving him as "look at him sucking his fists! He's hungry!" and said about my expressed milk "it looks like white water! Cow and gate is thick and creamy and would make him content" He was 8lb 13.5oz at birth and 9lb 11oz by 12 days old... yes clearly I was starving him... Anyway she made me feel so so crap, that I believed her and started supplementing (only a few weeks until a nice HV made me see sense, that he didn't need it!) But my mum pretty much badgered me from when he was 5 days old. I STILL hate her for it. I still regret giving him formula which there was absolutely NO need for.

However, I got back into fully breastfeeding. Months later when he was 8 months old she said "he looks too big to be breastfed now" and then at 17 months (I was also 4 months pregnant) she said "it's like bitty!!" :-s When I said I was off to a La Leche League meeting to get some advice on tandem feeding when he was 19 months she said "it's just weird, and it will be full of hippies"

I did tandem feed when DS2 was born when DS1 was 22 months. I tandem fed for 6 months and then DS1 seemed to lose interest.

We (me and mum) had a MASSIVE row, we moved out when DS2 was 10 weeks old and I told her not to visit unless she will keep her nasty opinions to herself... she hasn't said anything since!

DS2 is now 25 months and I'm 13 weeks pregnant with no.3, DS2 is a boob addict so I expect I'll be tandem feeding again from December.

I've also been breastfeeding constantly for 4 years and 2 days now!!

People will ALWAYS have their opinions, and quite frankly I don't care anymore! If someone has a problem with me feeding my child, that's exactly what it is - THEIR problem, not mine! I will sit in a cafe and enjoy my hot chocolate and cake, or I will finish my shopping with baby in a sling feeding while I shop, or I will sit in my own home and feed my child without thinking about anyone else, because unless you're sat there squirting milk AT THEM, then it's nothing to do with them!

If at all possible I would move out now. Sorry but the first few weeks with a nw baby are hard. You really want to be somewhere where you feel comfortable, and can just get on with trying to feed your baby and get on with things. Having to cover up all the time and being criticised are only going to increase your stress levels. Increased stress is likely to make you feel more down after the baby is born, so a bit of a downward spirral. Also it can be sensed by the baby making them more fractious.

Its not the end of the world, and plenty of people manage okay with babies in even extremely stressful circumstances. However if possible you would find it much easier with your own little nest, where you feel safe and secure, and can just "get on with it".

I don't even think the main problem is attitudes to BFing... it's bad attitude full stop. How awful for you OP.

I totally understand you not wanting to move yet. Spuds like your DP has enough on his plate without doing 100% of the moving work. So it looks as if you'll have to find ways of coping...

From my own experience, I'll second all the other posters who say that the early days with a baby are crucial when it comes to bf and are stressful enough without the added nastiness coming from your DM. I'd suggest setting up your room so you don't have to leave it for a few days - set up a comfy place to sit and bf, have all baby's things arranged. Make it clear to DM that if she want to be involved in your baby's early days, she needs to get over this frankly childish attitude to normal boob function. Otherwise you're staying in your room.

Without sitting and constantly feeding DC2, there's no way if have managed to get bf established. I failed miserably with DC1 for lots of reasons, including rushing out and about with him far too early. Plan to do nothing but feed for at least the first week.

Oh Dear
Move now, even if its to a shoe box.
get away from these interfering negative people.
You will never get those first few weeks back, and the last thing you will need is anyone judging and/or criticizing any and every decision you make about YOUR baby.

Good luck OP, really hope you can find a way to move out soon