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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Once your baby came along did you find it hard to leave them with other people?

20 replies

Sweetpea86 · 02/06/2014 13:06

You will all think I'm probably a bitch but my baby is 6 weeks old it never even accrued to me pregnant that I would have grandparents baby sitting this ealry on.

At 2 weeks old I took my baby to my mil before we went to register his birth. When my hubby came over his dad pulled him aside behind my back and said we can take him for a few ours now if u want. Seriously at 2 weeks old.

Then yesterday his mum rang and said has my mam looked after baby yet. Thinking I'd be letting my own mum, which I haven't I'm off on matenrity leave for a reason to look after my own baby.

She then went on to say to hubby if u need a night out like a few hours I'll take him for a while.

Gritting my teeth whiles he's telling me this I thought I was compromising and suggest we go out for tea on Friday 6ish for a few hours.

So hubby rang his mum and she turned around and said well Thursday better for me instead of Friday. wtf I thought she was doing us a favour.

The thought of leaving him with any one right now is hard this is my first baby and I'm still finding my feet.

I don't no my in laws that well and it's always me taking him over to see them were mil is totally over bearing won't let any one else hold him even fil. When I'm over there they don't really want to see me or get to know me better. Even tho I've been with my hubby 10 years we have just never been that close as they work all hours.

I feel totally pushed out. I don't even want to go out Friday but feel like I have to now.

I'm i being totally unreasonable :'(

OP posts:

findingherfeet · 02/06/2014 13:15

No of course your not being unreasonable!! Your precious baby is very new to the world, perfectly normal to want to be with them.

I had trouble handing my daughter over for cuddles at that age! (I was a bundle of anxiety thankfully less so with my second but it's a big thing having your first baby plus tiredness and hormones...)

Lanabelle · 02/06/2014 13:16

Its annoying isn't it, It was the same for me with MIL but shes lovely and just wanted to fuss over her grandson. It was different for us though because we've been together since high school so I know my inlaws well and it became a blessing over time. It wasn't the same with the rest that came along so it does get better I suppose, or at least I hope it does in your case

hubbahubster · 02/06/2014 13:19

I didn't leave DC1 with my own mum until he was 8 months old. There's no way I'd be leaving a baby of a few weeks old at all! I'm sure your in-laws think they're being super helpful, but no, YANBU not to want to leave your baby.

Since I'm BF DC2 I don't see me leaving her with anyone - even for a few hours - until she's weaned either!

rideyourbike · 02/06/2014 13:23

Everyone is different. I left my twins at home with my best friend while we registered them, and had nights out occasionally when mother in law would come to our house. There was no pressure from anyone else tho, it was my choice. I think that's the difference, I felt like it was my decision. Take your time, relative could come for a meal with you and help bath baby and do nice things with you around, or sit in the garden for 10 minutes while grandma sits cooing with baby in the house?

NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown · 02/06/2014 13:26

impossible. and I haven't changed my mind 3 years on! However he's been at nursery a few weeks and I'm happy to leave him there because he's happy and I trust them more than family. I have friends who've been desperate for a night out quite early on but for me a 'break' that meant being away from my baby wasn't a break at all, I just couldn't relax. its a very personal thing but I agree if they're taking the baby as a favour to you its on your terms, otherwise it's this weird obsession some GPs have with having 'alone time' with their GC - totally unnecessary IMO but I'll accept some think me odd. go with your gut and make feelings known early on...For example you could say thank you for the offer, if I need a babysitter I'll be sure to call. and don't be blackmailed into 'well so and so has had him' - it's not a competition. you'll know if and when you're ready

UML · 02/06/2014 13:34

It's not unreasonable to feel like that, everyone is different.

You shouldn't feel pressurised into doing anything you are not happy with, and I think you should sit down with your husband and have a frank discussion about this.

Although grandparents are family it is your child and you are the mother. Healthy boundaries should be drawn up and regularly maintained early on.

Once they respect your wishes and views and are less dominating in the way they approach their grandchildren you will feel more comfortable in them looking after your baby - whenever you chose to do so!

Notso · 02/06/2014 14:16

I always worried the first few times I left them, but I have lovely memories of staying with Grandparents so I was happy for them to take them for an hour or so at first, building up to staying over night.
DH and I will hopefully have many years alone together long after our DC have left home so I feel it is important to maintain our relationship as Husband and Wife and not become all consumed by being Mum and Dad.

There are also practical reasons for wanting your child to be comfortable with staying with another adult without you. There have been several occasions in the 14 years I have been a Mum where I have been unable to look after my DC due to illness or injury. It has been a blessing on all of those occasions that I haven't had to worry about how DC were coping without me because I knew they were totally comfortable with GP's.

You are in very early days though you shouldn't feel pressured into leaving your baby. Your PIL ate probably only trying to help.
My MIL often says how her parents were very reluctant to babysit and sometimes she was desperate for a break so she is happy to help where she can.

peeapod · 02/06/2014 14:42

my one (3 and half weeks) wouldn't let us! mummy milk isnt the same from a bottle.. luckily we had just finished our meal out and were just paying when she decided she needed us. breastfeeding baby makes it hard to leave her, at least for anything longer than 2 hours..

Plateofcrumbs · 02/06/2014 14:47

I know the 'grass is always greener' but as someone without any local family support I'm always a little envious of people who have families who are available and keen to help out: I know that finding willing and trustworthy babysitters is going to be a real struggle.

That is of course not to say you should hand over your child when you don't want to or aren't ready. But worth remembering that there is likely to come a time when you are grateful for the support, even if it's not for some while yet.

Can you say something along the lines of "we're really grateful for the offer but we're not ready to leave him yet. We'll let you know when it would be helpful". They probably think they're trying to be helpful and don't remember what those early days were like.

Original poster

Sweetpea86 · 02/06/2014 14:51

Thanks glad I'm not the only one I feel silly for giving in and going to speak to hubby tonight and just tell them I'm not ready if she says summit well that's not my prob. I make sure we take baby to see them every week I can't understand why that's not enough. I've got friends who had babies and left them with people very early on. Each to their own I'm just not ready yet

OP posts:

Sanch1 · 02/06/2014 15:07

Do whatever makes you happy and dont let other people pressure you. I first left my DD when she was 6 weeks old, with my DH for an hour to get my hair cut. We then left her when she was about 12 weeks old with my sister for an afternoon while we went to the cinema. SInce then she only generally gets left with someone else if we go out for a rare meal, she's already in bed and knows nothing about it! SHe's 10mo now and still not left her overnight, with no plans to yet! YANBU!

FengMa · 02/06/2014 15:15

YANBU! I know I'm an OTT case, but my 5 mo has only been out of my sight for an hour or so at a time with DH. Am I ridiculous? Maybe. My (not even first!) baby, my damm rules. No one should make you feel uneasy by insisting on taking your baby away. That is NOT a kindness.

AMI88 · 02/06/2014 16:32

YANBU- but neither would you be if you were happy to let them have baby for 1hr or so, it's a personal choice, but rather than offend them, just politely say you will be happy for them to have baby when you are ready.
It's a good idea to make time for yourself and hubby- go out for lunch when baby may be napping, and then build up the time.
I fully agree with posters who mentioned the importance of baby bonding with other adults. As a CM and soon to be first time mommy (whose GPs live far away) I'm counting on friends to be those special adult figures and cherished babysitters!!
Good luck x

CPtart · 02/06/2014 16:52

No-one ever offered. I'd have given my right arm for a break, perhaps that's why I went back to work at four months? But no, if it doesn't feel comfortable YANBU.

2014MrsH · 02/06/2014 16:54

Oh my gosh, I have the same fear with my MIL and FIL. Told them at the weekend I was pregnant and she started planning adopting one of the rooms in her house into a nursery (Husband didn't plan well buying a house 5 mins from his parents)!

I don't really get on with my in laws and have no desire to want to leave my new baby when it's here with anyone. Mother/father bonding time I'm 100% is crucial early on

SantanaLopez · 02/06/2014 16:57

I was quite glad to get a break tbh.

But if you don't want to- YOU DON'T HAVE TO. It's your baby. Say no. They're only trying to help, and if they're not helping, you are absolutely entitled to say so.

Ragwort · 02/06/2014 16:58

I think a lot of people are like you and don't want to leave their baby - however I wasn't one of those - I thoroughly enjoyed a night out when my baby was ten days old (my mother looked after him) - but a couple of other mothers were really bitchy to me saying 'how could you possibly leave him' - yes, he was breast fed but we were only a five minute walk away and were out for a total of two hours .

Personally it was very important to me that my baby was happy to be left with other people, develop other relationships and not be clingy.

I have a friend who still hates to be away from her children - they are in their 20s .

UML · 02/06/2014 18:09

I think a lot of it also dependent on the kind of in laws or even parents you have.

You will have the kindly ones who are respectful and considerate and don't push and who respect your mummy rules ... In fact they probably respect you as a person...

But there are also those who are pushy and controlling who don't stick to boundaries and ignore your preferences in how you want your kids to be brought up.

Everyone needs a break sometimes that is true but you can only really leave your kids with someone who you trust and have a good relationship with...

If anyone wants to support you or give you a break they can cook it do housework for you...!

UML · 02/06/2014 18:10

"Cook for you"

LittlePeasMummy1 · 02/06/2014 20:59

I still don't like to leave DD and she is 19 months. I think it started for me as control freakery and worry that I was the only one who could give her exactly what she needed and now it has evolved into the simple fact that I miss her when I'm not with her.

Do what you are comfortable with and don't let others dismiss your feelings. It's a cliche but they don't stay little for long, and this is your time together if that's what you want. If you don't feel ready to go out then there's nothing wrong with that x

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