13 weeks pregnant after 11 miscarriages.. Help

[Aahleigh1989]

I don't know where to start.. I feel awful.. I have suffered 11 miscarriages before 9 weeks, the last was 5 years ago. Me and my partner decided to start trying for a baby because it's what I thought I really wanted, it's what I have always wanted. We have full custody of my partners 4 year old son who I look after whilst he works Monday-Friday.

I never for one minute thought I would fall pregnant so quickly or that it would work.. Now I am going to have a baby before Christmas and I am terrified!! I keep feeling like I have made a mistake. I have been really ill from 6 weeks, I have been admitted to hospital twice. I can't cope with the sickness and have even thought about a termination. I feel awful, I never thought I would feel like this!! Also I am struggling to cope with my partners son as I am so ill so he is rarely home. It feels like it isn't fair on anyone and I can't see it getting any better. I don't know what to do, I've tried talking to my partner and as much as he tries to help all he can say it, don't worry or it will be fine.. I don't know what advice I expect to get.. Even if someone has been in my situation would be good to hear from..

Please help!!

A big hug for you - what a time you've been through ...

The only semi-useful advice I can offer is that I am currently pg with Number 2. Much wanted and conceived after pregnancy losses as well. Despite all that I still regularly get The Fear and wonder if I've made a terrible mistake. I didn't want you to feel alone in that. Be kind to yourself, go slow for a bit and take help from others around you x

Please talk to your midwife and ask for some proper help with how you are feeling. It is is common to feel this conflicted and anxious after trying for a baby and suffering so many losses, almost a shock, mixed with fear and denial and that combination is too much to handle alone.

You are not a bad person or mother. You haven't made a mistake. You are at he mercy of your own unwanted reaction. You are not alone. Talk to your midwife and/or gp.

Do you have friends or family with whom you can be honest?

I desperately wanted a baby, especially after my miscarriage. When I found out I was pregnant again I still panicked and wondered what the heck I was doing. I'm pretty sure it's natural.

It's a massive pressure on you to be delighted and excited and I felt very guilty for having bad feelings. Remember your hormones are all over the place right now too.

You have suffered a hell of a lot of losses and maybe you are subconsciously protecting yourself from any more pain?

I hope it doesn't sound like I'm minimising your feelings but once I had my 20 week scan it all became very real and it was then I started to feel excited and positive.

As silly as it sounds but the scans unnerve me even more.. My partner has suggested buying things for the baby and sorting rooms out to help make it feel more real etc but it feels too real already!! When I was in hospital last time the woman across from me was suffering a miscarriage and I felt worse because I knew I should feel grateful it wasn't me but I just couldn't.. I just wanted to give her my baby to make everyone happy! Even though I obviously couldn't..
Why do hormones come so strong when it's the time in your life you need to have the most sense?! I think I do need to see my dr or midwife because I can't go on like this. I spend my days working out how to get away from all of this and make it stop! I'm just hoping and praying I won't feel this way for much longer. I'm scared I won't love the baby when it's here :((

What an amazingly strong person you must be to go through what you have.
I have had three mcs and three children I'm 20 weeks with number four. I've spent every first trimester in tears most days, it's bloody hard especially when you have other children to take care of. But it does get better it really does. If I felt like I did during my first trimester and wasn't pregnant I would seriously think I had a terminal disease.
I second what antinous said you really need to see your gp/midwife there is medication they can give you for sickness. Check out the hyperemersis (sp?) support thread on here there will be lots of people on there feeling the same as you.
When you see the midwife/gp don't play down how you're feeling tell them bad you're feeling and the thoughts about terminating they need to know so they can help.
Please don't feel like you're a bad person you really aren't, you are at the mercy of your body at the moment don't under estimate the power of pregnancy hormones the can be evil little bastards! :)

As you already painfully know, losing pregnancies totally messes with your head. I had four miscarriages but was also lucky enough ough to have 3 take home babies. However, each pregnancy became increasingly fraught. At around 7 weeks each time I would start frantically looking for a job which was kind of nuts as by then I was a very happy sahm. Was a way of protecting myself. With pregnancy number 7 I didn't want anyone to know til about 20 weeks. I was an utter basket case. It was all about protecting myself from the pain of it all going wrong.

Eleven losses sounds utterly horrendous. I think you have been very brave to keep going. I'm not surprised your now feeling wobbly. IMHO it would be extraordinary if you didn't.

Good luck with it all. It will get better. Promise.

You are trying to rationalise something you can't control. And you're making the mistake of loathing and blaming yourself. What the hell does it say about you that having tried to have a baby so many times, you get pregnant and you don't enjoy or want it? You can't possibly deserve it right? And the poor thing isn't even here, gawd knows what kind of mother you'll make, hey? Bollocks. Repeat after me. Bollocks.

It is precisely because you care that your body and mind are overloaded. You are sick and tired and anxious and a wee bit depressed maybe. None of this is your fault. You can and will be fine. Just try and take a day at a time until then. And ask for help.

That's all.

Here, have another one .

In fact, have 11 hugs in total.

And, now, let it go. Concentrate on just letting it all happen and try hard to THINK less. I'd also advise speaking to someone professional, I expect your feelings are entirely typical of someone who's had so much grief to endure.

Another wee hug, just for luck.