Worries my DP won't understand how sore I'm feeling or how much recovery time is needed post-birth

[eepie]

I was saying to my DP that we should swap beds as in use the bed that's in the spare room once the baby comes as our current bed is really super low & our Moses basket is really high (antique one so not adjustable stand) and I want to be able to see the baby easily/reach her easily at night - plus I think it'll be easier for me to get in and out of bed / put less pressure on my sensitive areas post-birth !! As I won't have to shuffle on my bum so much or use my thigh muscles so much to get out of bed as I do now. Thinking of first few days/weeks after birth I will want a supportive bed at a good height to make it as easy as poss for me to get up & in and out of bed. But he got all funny and was like 'err well I haven't see what it's like to sleep on the other bed it might not be comfy... It's not all about everything being in the correct ergonomic place to make everything perfectly easy for you - we have to sleep on the bed too !" I explained "what if I have stitches and am sore etc & explained I find it hard to get in & out of bed at the moment (35weeks pregnant) and I can imagine I will feel the same post-birth but for different reasons... And he just said "yeah but you might not have stitches" ...... I didn't want to argue so just left it. But then felt really upset like he won't understand how I will feel after birth or look after me... Felt that unless he sees physical bruises, stitches and bleeding he won't 'get' that after birth you feel like you've run a marathon/been hit by a bus !! And that I will need care & attention as well as the baby... I felt he was being selfish even thinking about his comfort in bed as a priority !! (Is that really bad & selfish of me) I mean after a few months we can always swap the beds back but I can't help feeling that for the first few weeks the main priority is the baby's wellbeing & directly & intrinsically linked to that is MY wellbeing & recovery. I couldn't care less if he's not 100% comfortable in bed compared to what I'm going to be dealing with/recovering from. He's always been a bit crap when I've been ill is not very sympathetic - tells me to man up if I complain at all. He's mostly been great throughout the pregnancy except at first trimester with the sickness & tiredness... Because he couldn't actually see me throwing up he didn't get why I was suddenly a zombie who didn't eat & constantly felt crap & a few times accused me of wallowing in he misery rather than just getting on with things... It's like it really shocked him what pregnancy did to me at first & how muh it changed me / made me a bit vulnerable etc. I know it's common for men to not understand the various bits of pregnancy & be a bit crap sometimes but I thought surely after the birth I'll just be looked after no questions asked or no pressure to suddenly be up and back to normal straight away... But now I'm just kind of panicking thinking that I won't get the looking after or understanding that I thought would be a given post-birth ! Maybe I'm just being hormonal & worrying in the run up to the birth but I don't know how to make it clear to him how much support I'm going to need in those first couple weeks or how much he's going to have to be a bit selfless at first.

In the nicest possible way, I think you are catastrophising about a side issue.

You are both comfortable in your current bed. A couple of inches height difference really isn't going to matter.

His disinclination to change beds need not be in any way related to what sort of new father he is.

If you need to make adjustments after the birth, you can make them after the birth.

Get him to read some of the childbirth threads on here

I'm sorry I have much sympathy for you he sounds like he doesn't know much about pregnancy or childbirth

Whew that was quite hard to read without paragraphs! However, I made it.

It's a horrible discovery when you realise that your partner just doesn't get how you feel. But at least you have caught on now - it's an important issue.

First, check that he is planning to take his paternity leave to be with you and the baby. I discovered that my dh thought it would be better to save those days off until later when I needed him more. When would I have needed him more than during the first two weeks of my life with my first baby to care for???!!! (And yes, I felt as if I had been run over by a bus.)

I don't want to sound patronising to your dp, but I think it helps to spell things out simply for him, maybe not too far in advance, but also try to give him some say in decisions too - eg. "I have been reading that I might feel awful when the baby comes, and I am worried that our bed won't help. I'd like to try the spare bed because it's higher, easier to get up from. Shall we swap them now, or would you rather wait until the baby is here?"

I think it might be alright on the night, as it were. I suspect that he might be finding it tricky to visualise but will once he sees the reality of birth and the postnatal period.

My DH limped down the corridor ahead of me when we went for a membrane sweep (overdue), telling the midwife all about his sore ankle. She was actually quite interested too!

But then in labour and giving birth he was absolutely brilliant and likewise when we got home. I had a long labour followed by a CS and for the first however many days he would get out of bed and help me to get up whenever I needed to, as he knew that I was in pain and my stomach muscles were in bits..

That was an example. I know you have already raised this issue. But the formula works.

Start with telling him what you are worried about, rather than getting him to guess. "I know I have mentioned this before, but I am still worried that I will find our bed uncomfy once the baby is here."

Then suggest a solution.

Then give him a choice to work on. Don't be too offended if he suggests a third alternative and be prepared to give it a try. You can always suggest your solution again if his doesn't work.

Once he has seen you go through labour he will have a better idea of how you might feel.

One solution would be for you and baby to move into spare room and leave him in his low bed. I did this with both DCs so that we all got a bit more space, DH got more sleep as he was gng to work/ was more use in the daytime at home. I was able to sleep in a bit in the mornings if the baby did (while DH dealt with older DC).

Sorry about no paragraphs !! Just wrote it on my phone and didn't know it'd come out like that haha

I understand what you mean. It's not really about the bed. That's a small thing that's made you panic about his lack of sympathy when you are ill and whether he will be supportive ehen the baby is born.
Could you talk to him and explain that you are feeling really very vulnerable and nervous of how you will feel physically after the baby is born and please could you come up with a plan together of things he could do during that time to help you feel more relaxed about it all??

I don't think DH understood at all I was left to climb the stairs all by myself where 3 adults and my son went ahead when we came home.

I don't have much advice except I know what things I won't let happen next time. So for me I put it down to learning that DH is not going to prioritise my health and recovery, I have to and have to spell it out next time!!

Good luck with it. Maybe if you start now you will get the support by the time your baby comes.

Honestly I think this is just one thing men CANNOT understand until it happens. They don't share the same anatomy, they don't go through the experience of pregnancy. Some men find it harder to empathise in general.
As previous posters have said - offer some options, but it may be a case of see how it goes and see what actually does happen in labour and how you cope afterwards. Surely plans can be changed any time?

I know this might seem way out there but my oh really gets me and how hard it was being pregnant now.. We have a moby style stretchy wrap sling (sling library highly recommended to find in your area) and when my oh carries baby he can hardly walk unless he changes position to account for bump. He says its the closest thing a man can get to being pg. Give it a go ;)

Am I alone in thinking this isn't really about beds? He sounds quite clueless tbh and I'm not surprised you're apprehensive.

Does he have a female relative (mum or sister) with kids who could have a word ... Or a male one! He might need quite a frank talking to about what its like as a wake up call, perhaps not from you as you're upset but a 3rd party - he might take that as more factual.

Have you asked him how much care he thinks that you will need, or how much he thinks that you will still be able to do in the first few weeks pp? If he is taking paternity leave, what does he think that he will be doing while off?...not in a nasty accusing way, just gently so you can really find out.

Once you know what he is anticipating you can start drip feeding the important requests because actually for the first few days his needs do go to the very end of the queue. DH has been run ragged each time that he has had paternity leave, the end game is for me to be as recovered as much as possible by the time he goes back to work.

I would make the bed up in the spare room, just in case you can't get in and out of the low bed, stitches might not be such an issue but if you do have a c-section then a higher bed may be easier. If you do manage the low bed, provided it is not to draughty could the moses basket go on the floor next to you? Then the stand could be kept downstairs to be used in the day?