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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

How to tell a friend TTC for a long time that I am pregnant

19 replies

Hedgehead · 27/05/2014 19:24

She is a brilliant friend and I know that she will be happy for me, but I am past the first trimester and starting to show and I have been holding off telling her because of any effect it could potentially have. At this point she might end up finding out from someone else which I definitely don't want as we are very close.

I don't want to say "I know you have been TTC etc etc, but I am preg." But I don't want to just announce it so that she feels an expectation to be very positive and celebrate with me.

Any thoughts?

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ViviPru · 27/05/2014 19:33

I had a friend like this. I said that I knew she could handle it and didn't need me to tiptoe around her but I wanted to acknowledge the fact that I appreciate it's difficult. We had a brief conversation along those lines and she later told me she really appreciated me being sensitive to the situation by not making it a big deal, but equally not pretending there isn't an issue there. Its a fine line to tread, all the best with it.

ChampagneTastes · 27/05/2014 19:35

Is it me!? For what it's worth, if it WERE me, I would expect to be told a piece of happy, wonderful news in exactly the same way as you would tell anyone else. After all the compulsory gushing (and I would be genuinely thrilled for you, honestly) I would be grateful if you were to ask how I was and how my TTC was going. At this point I might brush you away because this is YOUR day and YOUR news and claim that what will be will be and it's really no big deal. It is likely I will go home, have a little cry and indulge in a little jealousy. Then I will get over myself and start knitting you booties.

Just tell her and be her friend. And congratulations!

bugoven · 27/05/2014 19:47

My OH and I told a couple who are very good friends of ours towards the end of an evening out. That way it didn't dominate the occasion but we had a chance to talk about it all before going our separate ways when we could let our feelings out. I know I had a big cry because I could see the hurt on my friend's face despite her doing a brilliant job of being excited. I said she could be as involved as she liked but I was happy to give her space whenever she needed it. She said of all the people in the world to be pregnant she was glad it was us as we had been trying for as long as them at the time and had suffered a miscarriage.

Definitely best to tell them sooner rather than later. We waited til after the 12 week scan.

frannie2013 · 27/05/2014 19:57

Hi
I had a similar situation as four of us were about to go on a spa break when i was 14 weeks where there would be lots of wine and things and was planning on telling them all over/after dinner so I called up the friend who has been TTC forever and chatted about the arrangements and then said that i was pregnant too and was thinking of telling the others at the dinner. i know she appreciated the opportunity to gather her thoughts for a few days and so she could be genuinely very happy for me without the 'shock' of it if you know what i mean. but i don't live near her and no one else knew (so I think she was also quite pleased that she was the first to know!)
the fact that you are even thinking about it means you will do it sensitively and she will appreciate it. everyone is different and she might be delighted, or surprised, or sad (for her) but once she comes round i'm sure she will be happy for you and who knows, might have her own news soon...
good luck! (and congratulations!!!)

corduroybear · 27/05/2014 20:28

Tell her on her own so she has time to react.

I went through cancer treatment and waiting to TTC/find out if I were still fertile after, and the worse part was people announcing pregnancies in public and having to react immediately. Of course I was always happy for them, but I needed a bit of time to rearrange my features, as it were.

frankiebuns · 27/05/2014 20:37

I was on the receiving end and the way my friend handled it was brilliant we both have children the same age and I had been on holiday and not seen her at work, by that time I had been ttc for 14 months and she told me whilst our first kids were playing she said and I quote " I know you are finding things hard at the moment and I didn't want you to hear from anyone but me but I'm pregnant, I know it might hurt saying it but I thought it might be worse u finding out from work rather than me" she was 20 weeks when she had told me and tbh I hurt like hell for a few days but was ok and liked how she handled it

Original poster

Hedgehead · 27/05/2014 22:05

These are all very helpful, thanks so much.

There is so much expectation in the culture of female friendship to not let any negative feelings show, it's just ridiculous. I have a another friend who monitors all her friend's reactions to news like this (and things likemarried etc) and then has an opinion afterwards about whether so and so had an "appropriate" reaction etc.

God I bloody hate that!

OP posts:

selsigfach · 27/05/2014 23:27

I really appreciated bring told by text by one friend. Meant I could howl about the unfairness of it all in private and have my happy face ready when I saw her. She knew I'd been trying for years and acknowledged in the text that she didn't know the best way to tell me and hoped that this was ok.

Snowmonkey77 · 27/05/2014 23:35

Just tell her - but do make sure you are not with a big group of people. I was TTC for 3 years and when my best friend told me she was pregnant I burst into tears in a packed restaurant! I also cried my eyes out when she gave birth. There were so many emotions I couldn't have told you which was the overriding one. Joy and happiness were there but pain and sadness for myself too. Be ready and open for any reaction or none - be present for her, but ultimately she will have to work through them for herself.
Btw, I found out today that I am 5 weeks pregnant - again there are a lot of emotions hitting me. I thought I would be overjoyed but there are so many feelings to sift through!

fuckinglondonballs · 27/05/2014 23:44

I agree with doing it by text OP. That way she can have a cry or feel angry and not have to put on a brave face in front of you. I'm sure she will be happy for you and you sound like a lovely friend

I made the mistake of telling a friend while in a group. I thought being on a night out in a group would be better. She was shocked, angry and upset and left. Hard lesson learned.

BiscuitMillionaire · 28/05/2014 00:05

In your position, I wrote the friend a letter, so she could read it in private. It still didn't go that well as, although she appreciated how I handled it, she didn't want to see me for a while and we ended up losing contact. Happily we're back in touch now, years later.

ALittleFaith · 28/05/2014 00:10

We TTC'd for nearly 3 years and I agree, either one to one or by email/text. I needed to process it before I had contact with people. Whatever you do, no cheesy lines! The 'Guess what?!' and 'DC1 has learnt to say baby, which is good because DC2 is due in x'. (The latter came after 2 1/2 years, we'd been TTC for 5 months when they announced her first pregnancy!). So yes, gently and privately. Congratulations by the way :)

maamalady · 28/05/2014 09:17

Definitely agree that avoiding doing it in person would be best. It is always a huge shock to be told someone is pregnant, and however pleased for you your friend is, she will be desperately upset (and probably a bit resentful) for herself. Give her the chance to sort out her initial reaction without being watched by you or anyone else.

It took us a little over three and a half years of TTC, surgery, hormone therapy, and IVF to get pregnant - in that time we found that being told in person was by far the most upsetting way to hear that friends were pregnant. Even though I was genuinely delighted for my friends, the jealousy, resentment, and bitterness that I felt was enormous, and extremely hard to keep a lid on when being told in person. The worst way of being told was just before going out for dinner with a couple of very close friends - they were justifiably excited but the entire conversation through the evening was about babies and how she told him about the positive test, etc etc. DH and I tried gamely to join in and be enthusiastic, but we both mostly just wanted to go home and cry.

Messygirl · 28/05/2014 09:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Honeybear30 · 28/05/2014 10:09

I told a friend by text. It was quite lengthy! I felt it was important to let her react in private, so I sent it when I knew she'd be at home with her DH. I still think this was the best way. It is a really tough situation though!

Rita1003 · 28/05/2014 10:57

Worst thing I ever heard was a couple getting married. They put a photo of their 12 week scan in an envelope so that every guest at their wedding had their wedding favour as the scan pic. I lost a baby, and literally had panic attacks for years if I saw a scan picture. I remember thinking that if I had been at that wedding I would have probably had a heart attack at the table. I can imagine there is the possibility at that wedding that some poor woman felt her heart breaking on opening her wedding 'favour.'

nc060 · 28/05/2014 11:07

Thats a really difficult one. However, I really struggled to concieve(took 2 years of heartache) and always hated when friends treated me differently and told me in a different manner to anyone else. I would just come out and tell them based on my own experience x

Only1scoop · 28/05/2014 11:16

Op I was in your position I couldn't leave it any later and bit the bullet and called my friend . It's strange I didn't rehearse It just kind of came out.

She was amazing ....she said how lucky I was and I confided that I had felt slightly awkward telling her.I had been dreading making the call and was so relieved when I had.

She went on to have a gorgeous ds and when I had a late mc last year she was the most understanding of all my close friends.

My advise would be tell her ASAP.

Good luck

Tinkleybison · 28/05/2014 11:24

Text. Please text her ASAP. I've been in your friends position more than once - don't do it to her face so she has to compose herself on the spot in front of you.

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