Worried I'm going to be a terrible mum

[EmmetP]

NC for this. Just having a really bad day - 30 weeks atm into a totally unexpected pregnancy and everything just feels overwhelming. I've been doing a fairly time-consuming postgraduate university course throughout, which has been quite stressful, and DP has never really been on board with me carrying on as he's worried about the effect the stress would have on the baby. I missed about two months in total with feeling rubbish early on, and lots with tiredness since that I've had to catch up on/ go through and learn on my own. I wanted to carry on, mostly so I could have the entire academic year off next year with the baby rather than going back at Christmas, but also if I'm honest partly because I didn't want all the people who insisted that I'd never finish the course now I've got pregnant to be right.
I've had some exams already, there are two more this week and I have another one at 38 weeks, and have also just been diagnosed with gestational diabetes, which I'm upset and worried about. I have to go in to 'chat' about that this afternoon, and just had a total meltdown this morning that that means another two hours away from revision, I have to see the midwife tomorrow which is the same. We've had to move out of our rented house as our lease was up, and are temporarily camping at my Mum's until after the baby's due and we can get ourselves sorted again. This is also not an entirely stress-free situation as she is very interfering and controlling - but there's very little we can say as she's very kind to have us. It means it's a longer drive to hospital and midwife appointments etc though so even more time spent doing 'baby' things when I feel I should be working.
Just worrying and thinking I shouldn't feel like this - I know DP and my mother think I've got my priorities all wrong. I DO want to do what's best for the baby, and I'm going to all the appointments and taking everything I should and things like that, but I just feel it's not normal to resent it this much. I just want to get the exams done and PASSED so I don't have to do resits when the baby's only a few weeks old.
DP is always saying how excited he is and how much he loves the baby and how he can't wait for him to arrive. But though I'm excited too I just can't focus on it until the exams are done. I also don't feel like I 'love' the baby - I am excited to meet him, feel lucky to be having him, want to do the best for him and am attached to the little wiggly person in my bump - but somehow in my head this doesn't correlate to 'loving' a real baby - I don't have any doubts that I will love him once he arrives, but I'm scared something will go wrong before then, so it just feels like committing to too much to properly love him now.
Not sure if any of this makes sense really - just can't help wondering if I'm going to be a terrible mum for not automatically and happily prioritising everything baby-related, and angry with myself for feeling like this. Think being incredibly hormonal and weepy about everything doesn't help.
Could someone please give me a slap and tell me to stop being such a pita?
(And also to do some revision now instead of panic-posting on mumsnet.)

No help with a lot of this OP but I'm 33 weeks and I don't love my baby yet either. I was talking about this with my best friend the other night and said exactly what you've said- I'm protective of it, can't wait to meet it, know I WILL love it when it's born- but it's currently too abstract a thing to say I love it right now. I don't feel bad for that.... I bet loads of people feel that way and just don't admit it.

The exam stuff must be tough. I've just started maternity leave and need to be sleeping loads and resting. Once your exams are done I think you need to do the same.

You will be amazed by the feeling of love you will have when they place your baby in your arms. I didn't realise you could love someone that much. I used to stress about if I would love my second as much as my first, but same happened with her.
I can see how stressful things must be for you now, but you really must try to keep things as simple as possible for you, then reassess what you want to do once your baby has arrived. Good luck!

I know how stressful end of post-grad is. I also know how exhausting pregnancy is. I cannot imagine doing both at the same time.

You are a strong woman. You are coping and managing, which will make you a brilliant mum.

I think what you are going thro is actually a form of nesting - you are getting things done, ready and finished (ie your exams) before baby is here so that you don't have to think about it when baby is here. Many Mums think of nesting in terms of cleaning the oven, washing the curtains, spring cleaning etc. You are just doing the academic version of this.

You'll be fine.

Good luck with the exam. Good luck with the new baby.

Slap! - you don't need to drop everything just because you are having a baby. It's not wrong to try and maintain your career through it. You can take some time off and keep it going behind the scenes but many people can and do have both. I have 3 young dc and now work FT again. I have 1 year mat leaves with each and worked 4 days a week until last year. My dc are happy and lovely and I am pleased I've got a career now, especially as they are getting older and going to school. I know some women that gave up everything and are increasingly feeling at a loose end now and frustrated by how hard it is to get back into the job market (and some who are perfectly happy as SAHMs of course).

You are clearly motivated and energetic about "having it all" - as was I, which makes it it is perfectly possible - but it will be tiring and you won't have much free time for a few years :). The fact that you are asking these questions and having these worries says to me that you will be an awesome Mum - don't worry.

I will reply properly when I'm home from work, but very quickly: you are not alone feeling like this. It doesn't mean you'll be a terrible mum!

Don't panic! It's hard to feel attached to something you've never seen or met. Infact with DS it took a while after he was born too....

You've got a lot on your plate right now and you're feeling overwhelmed and trying to concentrate on the here and now. That's fine.

Do what needs doing then relax and put your feet up.

The fact you are worried is what means you will be a great mum. If you weren't concerned then that would be less positive!

Also, trust mother nature a bit. Don't know what subject area your Post grad covers but I guess it's not biology ;) - you don't need to love your baby now. But you will once it arrives, maybe not even straight away but it will happen. And that's mother nature for you. She's got it covered so you don't have to worry. It's not your monkey to carry, but because you're fretting i think it does mean you'll be a fabulous mother when the time comes.

Good luck, with baby, academia, living arrangements- the whole lot. It's a lot to be doing all at once but you CAN do it xxx

Ps get off mumsnet and back to the books! X

You'll be OK. :) A close RL friend had a very similar situation a few years ago- exams, staying with relatives, pregnancy health issues. Her kid is absolutely fine, she passed her exams and everything sorted itself out in the end.

Get yourself some revision done, have a good rest.
Remember that your health is vitally important, and you shouldn't revise 24-7 anyway even if you weren't pregnant: so go to medical appointments guilt free.

Not much I can say about interfering relatives except I feel your pain! ;)

A few thoughts:

Pregnancy is overwhelming, whatever you are thinking or feeling is ok. It sounds like you're panicking that you don't have enough time. How about a good old-fashioned wall planner. Put in your maternity appointments, exams and revision sessions and then if you can see that you've got some spare time maybe look for a pregnancy yoga class in your area. This might give you some quiet time to enjoy being pregnant, relax, meet other pregnant women and realise they feel just the same.

It's ok if you don't love your baby yet. I didn't love my baby before she was born, and to be honest I didn't have that instant love feeling either, but as her personality has emerged that love has grown and now I love her more than I can put into words. However you do say I'm scared something will go wrong before then, so it just feels like committing to too much to properly love him now and I would just say to you something a very wise woman once told me. "If something does go wrong you won't be any less devestated because you held back." So I would say let yourself feel what you want to feel.

When the baby comes he will demand your complete focus so don't feel bad about focusing on your needs now.

I've not got experience of gestational diabetes but my work collegue had it, and she continued working until 38 weeks as planned, she just had to follow the dietary advice she was given.

Whatever happens you will cope, you will be a wonderful mother because you care and you don't have to give up your own dreams.

I'm so in awe that you're doing a post grad while pregnant! I did mine last year and my head space was similar to yours right now, but without all your extra worries! So give yourself a little pat on the back, you're setting a great example for your LO.
I think it's totally normal to have freak outs that you're going to be a terrible mother. I didn't see mine coming at all (very much wanted baby, work in various care-related jobs) but I have and I'm sure there will be more! A few weeks ago I was sobbing to my DH because I was scared I wouldn't love it enough. That passed!
Also like pp said, sounds to me like you're totally getting your life ready (as much as possible) for the baby arriving. Just because it's not knitting, doesn't mean it's not preparation.
Be kind to yourself, allow yourself a rest and some time on your own so that you can study as effectively as possible. This too shall pass! Good luck on your exams

Ps about your final exam, can you talk to your supervisor/mentor about what would happen if you couldn't do it then, just to put your mind at ease? Surely you qualify for extenuating circumstances?

Thank you all so much - calming down has commenced. It's really reassuring to hear other people felt a bit like this about their babies in advance - I think you just hear so much about women being 'totally in love' with their babies from the moment they find out that I've been feeling a bit defective, especially with DP gearing up for dad of the year award from the word go...
Waffle I actually hadn't considered this might be a nesting thing. I've been a bit bemused as to why I've felt so desperately that it all has to be done and squared away before baby arrives, and why DP saying lovely helpful things like 'It doesn't matter if you have to do resits in August - I'll take more time off work to look after the baby so you can revise!' has been making me feel murderous rather than grateful. But yes I think you might be right - it's just a feeling of wanting to get other stuff out the way so when baby is here brain space can be totally devoted to him in the early days.
SicknSpan rather embarrassingly the course is actually a postgrad medical degree . For some reason though it's like a switch goes in my brain and when I think about THIS baby as opposed to babies and pregnancy in general I feel like a rabbit in headlights and all rules of science and logic cease to apply. It's the same with the gestational diabetes - I know it's manageable, and happens to lots of women through no fault of their own, but I still feel completely overwhelmed by it, terrified something will go wrong and entirely to blame because I've eaten far too much ice-cream. Even though I know that's idiotic.
Thanks for all the ideas about organisation and planning - think you're all right and will try to get things a bit more on an even keel and balanced. Pregnancy yoga sounds like a brilliant idea.
And ruth basically the deal is that if I don't pass the exams either the first time or in the resit period in August, (including if August is my first go as for some reason haven't made the actual exams, like baby arriving shortly beforehand) I have to retake the year. Which is not remotely financially feasible...

Emmet - I am a nurse and struggle to apply medical knowledge to myself! Totally normal - you are only human.
I'm 29 weeks and wouldn't say I "love" this baby yet. It's still an abstract idea in a lot of ways. I would be devastated if any thing went wrong. I am excited to be pregnant (much as I hate the side effects that come with it) and can't wait for baby to arrive. You are not alone. In your shoes, I expect I would be the same - just wanting to focus on course and get it finished so its one less thing to worry about when baby arrives.
Give yourself a break, stop beating yourself up! You WILL be a great Mum!

Everything you're feeling seems totally normal to me. I wanted DC1 and he was planned, but until he arrived I couldn't honestly say I loved him. A real baby seemed so abstract and distant, and I could barely believe he would ever arrive.

I've been stressed and tense about gettin various DIY jobs done in the house before baby comes, your determination to get your exams done sounds similar - and very sensible, actually. It's natural to want to be able to focus solely on baby once they arrive, and it seems so important to get everything else done before they're born. But your DP is also right - you can always retake if necessary. The world doesn't stop when you have a baby ;)

Re: the GD, I've had it too and totally understand how overwhelming and stressful it can be. I had to blood sugar monitor four times a day, didn't need medication, but the NHS seem to love to scaremongering about it and frighten the hell out of women. It's v manageable and there are lots of ways of getting your sugars down - I found eating avocado really balanced out any carbs (think it's the fat), soya and linseed bread is brillIant too, breakfast cereals (even muesli) should be avoided... It's trial and error but you'll find what works for you.

Good luck. You sound AWESOME.

I am due in two weeks and may be getting induced next week.

I'm so divorced from this thing moving around in me and the reality of having a baby it's unreal to me. Dh put the pram together yesterday and I looked at it like it was a thing beamed from outer space. I think it's very common for us to not have this marketing-induced feelings of bonding with the baby. How can we when it isn't actually here yet? I talk to the bump sometimes but normally to go ooh aren't you huge now! I haven't played Mozart, I haven't sung to it. I had these natal hypnotherapy cds which are good but when it gets to the bit about baby bonding it doesn't connect with me at all! I don't think that will make me a crap mum. I'm very excited to meet the baby at long last.

I have been off sick since around week 17 - with high hopes of finishing my masters that came to nothing - so am full of admiration. There's stress which comes from normal working / studying as you are doing and then there is stress, caused by mental health problems in pregnancy, extreme trauma etc.

The former is surely most certainly you! Women work in high powered, demanding roles all the time, run around after small children and managing households or in your case, finish medical exams whilst dealing with your mum. They all have healthy babies. It's perfectly understandable why you want to finish all of this off before your baby arrives. If you feel up to it then why not? It's your body and your decision. I get quite grouchy when people try to dictate what a pregnant women should or should not do. Albeit that the comments are borne out of love but still....

I have bipolar disorder and interestingly being pregnant is supposed to make things better. In my case it made it worse and I have taken medication throughout pregnancy. I have to avoid excess levels of cortisol in my system and psychotic episodes (I had one around week 7) and anything overly stressy. I have found a new job and we are moving! So basically my upshot is that you are managing with normal levels of stress by the sound of things :)

And if you are worried about your stress levels, talk it through with your midwife.

Health-wise, I take medication for bipolar, hypothyroidism and hypermesis, the latter of which I have had throughout pregnancy. My baby is in the 86th percentile! A good friend had gestational diabetes and also had a whopper. It's easy to be anxious about it even with your background - because it's happening to you. But all will be fine. Babies are tough little creatures.

Very good luck with your exams

I had pre natal depression with DD3 and was suicidal. I was begging every week to be induced. I was unhinged most of the time. I felt nothing and used to frequently loose my temper saying get this thing out of me now. As soon as I gave birth I felt bloody fantastic, I had sciatica and pubic disfunction and was in agony. I was practically skipping from the delivery suite to the maternity ward I just felt great. I used to feel guilty at first but now she's 5 and I love her to bits. I loved her as soon as I saw her when unthought I would hate her

I should also add my Dh has been more engaged with the bump than me. As for his mother oh my word. I feel so often like I'm the only one that is not excited by it all. I think it's perfectly normal and OK for you to feel disengaged particularly when you are so focused on your studies. There is all the time in the world to be ecstatic once your baby arrives.

Don't feel guilty at all. You will be a fab mum when the time comes.

My baby was planned but I've never been very good around children, just because I was the baby of the family so never had much interaction with kids.

Once I got my BFP I went in to panic thinking oh bugger what have I done.

Even once I got my head around being pregnant I was same worrying I would be a good mum.
A friend of mine is 18 weeks and from about 6 weeks she's been buying alsorts.

When I was pregnant I bought nothing other than stuff for baby's room and a few vests.
Even then it wasn't untill last minute. I just couldn't picture having baby here and was worried I wouldn't love him.

Well had my little boy 4 weeks ago and I love him more than life it's self. Infact it's rather over whelming how much I love him. ( like burst out crying when I look at him lol) this is me a women who is so uncomfortable around babies and children lol.

Don't worry once you have your baba it will al change.

Although adapting to having a baby has been hard. I actually found pregnancy harder lol so try not to be so hard on your self I'm sure once your baby is here you will be over come with joy and love.

Oh OP I feel for you!
I'm 35.5 weeks and only really got broody about a month ago. Before that it was all practical stuff. I don't get visibly excited about the baby and when people ask me how pregnancy is I tend to complain about all the aches and pains and inconveniences. I'm sure some people think I'm a terrible person.
BUT this baby was planned and wanted and when I thought I'd lose him in the first 12 weeks I was a wreck. So I know how I feel and I know he's wanted. I'm just quite a practical person, quite private and don't do being emotional in public. I think you might be the same?

"But though I'm excited too I just can't focus on it until the exams are done. I also don't feel like I 'love' the baby - I am excited to meet him, feel lucky to be having him, want to do the best for him and am attached to the little wiggly person in my bump - but somehow in my head this doesn't correlate to 'loving' a real baby - I don't have any doubts that I will love him once he arrives, but I'm scared something will go wrong before then, so it just feels like committing to too much to properly love him now."

This is exactly how I feel! The most happy-emotional I've got was yesterday when it dawned on me that the length of my bump is actually a real baby and then I had a weepy minute or two. That's it. The fact I haven't had more moments like this doesn't mean I won't love the child.

Basically I think you're normal and you'll be as good a mother as the rest of us. Prolly better than me, I think I'll be an average mother but my partner will be a fantastic father, which is why i agreed to have a child with him.

It's natural to be feeling overwhelmed sometimes in pregnancy, it's a time of such huge emotional and physical change, and it is so hard to juggle big work/life commitments with all the exhausting demands of being pregnant and not feeling well. I am also doing a part-time Master's alongside working full time, currently 9 weeks pregnant and feeling pretty rough, and sometimes I feel it is too much, although I am focussed on the juggling being a temporary thing, and trying to rest whenever I get a little break in between things, to keep weekends free, and to go to bed early as small ways to look after myself, even though I am constantly running around during the week.

I think it's hard to exactly 'love' the baby when it is still unborn and you haven't got to know him/her yet, but I was struck how thoughtful and imaginatively in touch you sound with the life inside you.
If things are feeling really pressured and you are worrying a lot, would it help to have a bit of counselling either through your university/GP or privately? I am a counsellor myself and would encourage anyone to make use of a few counselling sessions at points in their life where it might help to have a safe space to offload the difficult stuff. It' s by no means a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength, if that's what would help. I am glad to still be in my own personal therapy while going through the pregnancy -- so many emotions to talk about! Good luck with everything and with finishing the postgrad.

I'm doing my postgrad at the moment too. I'm only 16 weeks so behind you, but I have exams at the moment and then a final placement in June and July. I keep getting told off by DP about not doing enough work.... I just can't bring myself to care enough about these exams even though its the end of a two year slog. Similarly to you, I admitted to my midwife this morning that I wasn't really enjoying being pregnant and I didn't exactly feel excited. She reassured me that I would feel differently when the baby arrives and that actually there's research that shows that you need to work at creating a bond with your baby, and that's ok. I feel a bit better about it all now.
You'll be fine, well done for sticking at it.
Must revise for exam tomorrow now! X

EmmetP how are you doing? Hope things are feeling more under control for you now x