To tell or not to tell

[sleepingflower]

I found out i am pregnant this week. I am amazed it has been so easy and fairly quick to conceive as I am 40 and was expecting it to take a year or not happen at all. I already have an 8 year old from my first marriage. I am petrified that the risk of mc and other complications are so much higher due to me being ancient!

With my first pregnancy I told people I was close to as soon as I found out I was pregnant, I was so excited but also felt, if anything went wrong, I would need the support of those people.

DH is adamant with this pregnancy that we shouldn't tell a soul until we know everything is ok. I have said I can't promise to do that - my worry about potential problems is even greater than with my first pregnancy and I am I just over the moon.

I think I just need to tell my closest friend, I can't see how I can keep it a secret from her for the next 5 or 6 weeks - we have always told each other everything - we are generally over sharers!

Has anyone else had this difference of opinion with their partners and how did you resolve it?

We compromised. DP wanted to tell everyone immediately, I didn't. I said he could tell his mum and dad to keep him happy but they must be sworn to secrecy.

We told close friends and family only prior to the first scan, as I figured that even if something went wrong they would be the people we would seek support from. The world in general we told after our first scan. x

Agree to tell 1 person each and maybe your parents too. Those people must not tell anyone. You will need support if things do go wrong.

I couldn't keep it a secret - DH wanted to! I told my best friend and we told our parents. I also told my boss due to the nature of my job. They were all sworn to secrecy. I was glad I had told people as when I did have a scare I then had support. I rationalised that I would need support if something did go wrong, so the people that were told were the people we would go to.

We are keeping it a secret until this weekend at 12 weeks. I had a private scan so everything seems ok.

We have told our parents.

I had to tell a work collegue Friday as was put in a risky situation but she will keep it to herself.

I didn't tell anyone (apart from my best friend at about 10w who I told before I planned because not telling her would have involved lying) until I'd had a scan. After 12 weeks we told parents siblings and a couple of friends each. After 20 weeks we started telling people more generally.

I think you could keep this a secret, but I understand why you don't want to. I think there's scope for compromise. Can you agree on limited disclosure to someone who can be trusted to keep it quiet?

Ultimately if it works out, it'll work out, regardless of who knew and when. I think pregnancy brings out the superstition in all of us.

Hey, I'm 4 weeks and I've told my parents and my sister who is an obs & gynae doc. But it was her hen do this weekend and of course they were all flipping docs. Lets just say the "I can't drink as I'm on antibiotics" ruse lasted - ooh all of 5 minutes. So had to spill but they were great and really understanding - especially been so early and them being docs.

Thing is they aren't my friends so doesn't matter really, but I do worry about how hard to keep secret.

Thank you so much for your responses. I will tell my friend and ask her to keep it to herself. We have a big family party next weekend (where I would normally be on the vino!) so I will need to do some cunning pouring of schloer into a wineglass to keep it a secret from everyone else!

Brummiegirl at the very least they owe you a convincing non drinking excuse to use with others! FWIW I think it's rude to ask people whether they're pregnant, regardless of your suspicions, unless you're about to do an x-ray or something.

With each week, the risk of miscarriage reduces, so if you can even wait a couple of weeks, you are statically much 'safer' as most miscarriages are in the first weeks after finding out. I told my best friend very early though, as we share everything. I told my parents a few weeks later, but before the scan - more because I was feeling unwell and I didn't want them to worry.
I also heard quite a good 'hide that you're not drinking alcohol' tip - if the party is at yours, someone suggested filling up empty beer bottles with non alcoholic drink. You could even do that with wine, put scholer or something into a normal wine bottle - but you'd just have to make sure nobody else has any from that bottle! My friend had ribena in a wine glass that looked like red wine and I never guessed - that was at her house though. I pretended to drink spirits with mixer and just made sure I got my own drinks, or got my partner/best friend to get mine.