Telling a friend who can't have kids

[alita7]

A friend of mine and dp is is unable to have kids, she's had many many miscarriages due to scaring of her uterus, and I'm not sure when and how to tell her. I'm 14+5 and my belly is surprisingly obvious so I need to tell her soon before it's too noticable but it's all a bit complicated.
She's dps ex, they split amicably and remained close friends and she and I have become good friends too.
She is also currently in hospital due to mental health issues, partly due to her infertility and about a week ago her boyfriend left her, after struggling with her mental health problems for a while.

So I don't know what to do, she tried for ages to have a baby with dp and it never happened. I don't know if this would make her more likely to get very upset about this. I think if I leave it too long she may hear from other people or notice my tummy, I'd rather she knew from me and dp. I also think it might be better to tell her while she's in hospital as she will have support around her, rather than waiting until she comes out.

So what would you do?

I don't really get the whole thing with texting scan pictures around. I gave one to my mum on mothers day, and we gave one to the MIL last week. No one else has seen them, and to be honest I haven't looked at them since I had them taken. I dunno, sending them to someone who is having fertility problems is the height of insensitivity.

I agree that I cannot understand completely, but I did have a period of 5 years between my MMC and being able to try for this baby due to personal issues. So although I didn't have the 'never' bit I did struggle a lot having to wait, especially as I was scared it wouldn't happen.

I've also had the good news when I've been having bad news- a friend text me telling me she was having a boy just as I was in floods over what I think was an early miscarriage in November (though I hadn't tested so I don't know, but I was 4 days late and this was the heaviest, clottiest and most painful I've bled since after my d & c).

Anyway not trying to make anyone feel bad about their experiences or make anyone feel bad etc, I just think that as horrible as it must be to hear your friends news, purposely making someone feel guilty isn't fair, especially if they've had their own struggles too.

Anyway, I want to be as sensitive as I can in this situation and I definitely agree that letting her lead the way is best- I really don't want to put her in a position where she has to decide not to see me because I keep going on about it or whatever, if she does decide that I'd rather it not be due to me directly upsetting her. I think I will text her to warn her and give her the opportunity to ask me to come another day when it's sunk in.

The sad thing is that I don't think she will ever have a baby as the last few times she got pregnant she ended up aborting it as she was scared to go through another miscarriage (she's got to have had over 30 of them- she kept trying for ages and she gets pregnant extremely easily for someone who can't carry them). I wish she'd get her miracle :/

Oh the goats I don't get it either, I've shown it to certain people when I've seen them on my phone, and sent them a pic if they've asked... but I don't see why you'd send one around to everyone! I think it's quite a personal thing tbh!

Oh dear it's difficult

With my lovely friend who had been battling infertility for over ten years I wrote her a letter and said I understood I'd she didn't want to see me when I was pregnant ( she didn't - I totally understood )

I kept all my baby stuff just in case it ever worked out for her to show id not given up hope that she would be a miummy , and yes eventually she became pregnant and I was soooo happy to give her all my baby stuff and I still pass everything on .

Right I've had a chat with DP and he says he is going to tell her when he goes to see her tomorrow and we decided that as I was going to go and see her too, he would ask her if she wants to see me or not and I would go over if she'd like me to, but that there is no pressure for her to see me until she wants to.

That sounds like a good plan. Hope it goes ok xx

I will let you know!

I think it's better coming from dp as they know each other better and he's not physically got the baby inside him if that makes sense?
Plus he has 3 already so him having kids is nothing new, though he already had them before they were together.

I have a friend who cant have them either and she is desperate to have one of her own. Shes been trying for 3 years with no luck. Ive since had a DD which I found hard telling her about in the beginning but im pregnant again and have been agonising over when and how to tell her. She took that out of my hands by catching me off guard and asking if I would share a bottle of wine with her which I wasn't expecting and blurted out "oh im not drinking at the moment" then panicked. She said oh is that because you've got good news? So I didn't lie and said yes. She said she was very happy for me but I know she will have cried about it and found it hard deep down.