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Original poster

OK.....Is this normal?

19 replies

SophieB · 27/08/2006 14:44

I've just finished decorating the babys room the other day but when it comes to the in-laws wanting to see it i become really over protective!! obviously i say they can see it but the feeling of being protective becomes really strong! I just dont want them to go in there and be nosey and look through my babys clothes, so i just sit on the sofa and let my partner show them! but its just with the in-laws and certain friends who i dont want any where near my babys room! am i being normal or am i just being nasty?! the mother in law is really annoying me at the moment so that maybe something to do with it!

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Medulla · 27/08/2006 14:46

Totally normal Sophie and it will get worse once your baby arrives. I remember not wanting my baby passed around when the family descended (DH family not mine!), not wanting to share photos we had taken of her (take your own) lots of things.

pol26 · 27/08/2006 14:50

Here Here!!!

I think mos preg women and mums feel like this at some point, especially with in-laws... I could've quiet easily killed my IL's when DD was born... the usually irrational things like 'why do they flush the loo so loud!'... etc... it doesn't get any easier either, you just realise you're just being a mum.

Original poster
SophieB · 27/08/2006 14:52

Thats another thing, if i ever have to leave my baby with someone for the evening or whatever, i only want to leave him with my mum and dad, not the mother in law or sister in law. they are both very clumsy and i just dont want to leave him with them if i have to!! If i had a magic wand i would magic them away! lol! these feelings have only just really come on since decorating the babys room! my partner doesnt know i feel like this because whenever i say to him to tell his family that we dont need anything for the baby as we have everything we need he thinks im having ago about his family!

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kate100 · 27/08/2006 14:56

Sorry, but your poor MIL. Does she know she's going to be a second class Grandma? How would you feel if when you become a Grandma your son's partner didn't trust you with their child?

As mother's we all feel protective, but surely not at the exclusion of precious family. At least your in-laws are taking an interst in your baby, lots of in-laws dont.

Medulla · 27/08/2006 14:58

Yep I felt like that too Sophie, there was no way I was going to leave my baby with my IL's but as a friend said to me once (whoose MIL is horrnedous to her BTW) apart from you and your partner there is noone else who is going to love your baby more than his/her grandparents. Don't do yourself out of a night out, once the baby arrives if they offer to babysit take them up on it. The first time is always the hardest but it gets easier. My IL's are looking after my 2 overnight on Tuesday!!! 3 years ago I never thought that would EVER happen! Above all else remember these feelings are totaly normal

Original poster
SophieB · 27/08/2006 14:59

she nearly burnt her house down twice, the house isnt very clean. Obviously she will be invovled but i just dont feel comfortable leaving my baby with her if i ever needed to.

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kate100 · 27/08/2006 15:08

Oh dear, that doesn't sound good and a better reason not to leave the baby with her than just being 'clumsy'

You need to tell your dh that this is how you feel or when your baby is born he's going to be very confused about how his parents are being treated.

Original poster
SophieB · 27/08/2006 15:10

yea i should do really but he takes things the wrong way, he wont except that these are my decisions and i want whats best etc etc. Although im not going to leave my baby all the time, its just if i ever need to then i dont feel comfortable leaving him with her!

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kate100 · 27/08/2006 15:13

He right not to accept your decisions as what's best as the baby is his too and he has a right to have as mucch input as you. If you feel this storngly about it you need to tell him, otherwise your adding stresses after the baby is born that you really don't need.

Hollyboo · 27/08/2006 15:48

SophieB don't be worrying, your feelings are very normal. Some people feel like you do and others don't. Do whatever you feel comfortable with. It will probably get worse when baba comes along. I was really bad and I felt very overwhelmed by it all. I panicked about leaving dd so I didn't until I felt right about it. I only felt right leaving dd with my mother for the first few months.

sleepfinder · 27/08/2006 16:41

Sophie, I'm glad you posted this query and hope you're not too worried about it. I'm glad because I've not let my MIL in the house (ever). She doesn't live that far away but she's sooo high maintenance (constant tantrums followed swiftly by requests / demands for things...) - that I'm positively sick about the day she comes to meet our new son (due over the next 2-3 wks). I can't BEAR the idea of her touching him, or the thought of her negative whiney voice being heard by him. Call me irrational....

bobblehead · 27/08/2006 17:30

I felt/feel this way too. Luckily we live abroad so don't see too much of them, but when they do visit I have 2 weeks solid. I would never leave dd alone with them as for one thing they are heavy drinkers (although dh assures me they would not drink if looking after her). They kept offering to sit in with dd if we wanted a night out last year when they were over but I just told them I'd rather stay in and spend time with them. Lots of people are only happy leaving their babies with only their own mothers when they are little and personally I don't think there is anything wrong with it. You do owe it to your child to let them develop a relationship with both sets of grandparents though so they will have to spend time together. I definately found my feelings settled down by the time I next saw them when dd was a year old, although still didn't quite trust them as they were prone to leaving lighters/alcohol/sharp implements lying around and turning their backs on her for too long!

mum2monkeys · 27/08/2006 18:01

Oh I know exactly how you feel, this thread has made me feel sooo much better, my MIL drives me crazy v manipulative.... But be careful, has caused some serious problems with me and my Dp...But like everyone says is perfectly normal, think it has a lot to do with the fact that you can't be as frank with your IL's as you would with your own family. Try not to worry too much and just enjoy your bub when they arrive - I couldn't leave my dd with anyone until she was 6mths, didn't even trust my own mum and she's fab!!!

Original poster
SophieB · 27/08/2006 18:22

I think its differnet with your own mum because u trust her, where as with the mother in law you dont them as well! I will let the baby have a relationship etc with all the family, its just the case of if i ever have to leave my baby with someone id choose my mum everytime! Plus i think because i only have 4 weeks left im just finding anything and everthing annoying! I'm just grinning and bearing it!

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wools · 27/08/2006 19:42

I feel exactly the same way Sophie. MIL drives me mad. I've already got 2 ds and another baby on the way. I do let her look after them from time to time because I am trying to be fair. When the baby is due to be born my other children will have to stay with her (she's a couple of hours drive away) as I don't have any close family and already she is trying to keep them longer than I want them to stay. I just dread her getting her hands on my newborn as well.

squishy · 27/08/2006 19:50

Sophie, I don't think there is such a thing as 'normal' at this stage! I don't even tell people names that DH and I have shortlisted!! I have very negative feelings about my IL's parenting skills and am very clear that I don't want them to have a HUGE influence on my child's upbringing, however I am fully reserving the right to feel different when the time comes. TBH, don't know how I'll feel about anyone taking care of the LO when I'm not there (other than DH). My Mum died when I was young, so do feel I'm missing out there, but not sure whether I'll let my step-mum take the same type of role, although we have decided she will be called Granny or similar. DOn't put pressure on yourself - your feelings are those and you can't change them, but they may alter over time

divastrop · 27/08/2006 19:55

this is bringing back memories...ds and dd1's grandmother suffered from severe depresssion,she would lay in bed crying most of the time and was on so many different medications she didnt know what planet she was on.not that i want to sound disrespectful but the ex and i often fell out cos he didnt see why i wouldnt leave ds1 with her when he was little.if i were you i would do whatever feels comfortable to you,you may feel differently once the baby is here

shhhh · 27/08/2006 20:18

I am glad this thread has been started....I am suffering from pnd following dd's birth last May. I'm pregnant again so came off the ad's and decided I needed to "sort myself out".

It has made me feel slightly better as my main causes with the pnd revolves around grandparents. TBH I have had issues recently with my il's which have made me v over protective over my dd when it comes to them. But I have had similar concerns with my parents. Both sets drives me mad when it comes to dd for different reasons.
Dh & I do go out and leave dd with them at night BUT we never have and never will for the forseable future leave dd during the day or overnight. Our choice and I'm glad that dh see's my views and has the same views.

I was like this before dd was born and it seems to have gone worse, like others have said it' mainly due to you now being a mother and having a lo who you care deeply about.

Like I said, i'm having counselling but not to cure me..hopefully though with an aim to make things more bearable iykwim. My aim is to be confident with leaving dd with either set when baby2 decides to make an appearance.Something I am NOT comfortable with now.

My consellor keeps saying my feelings are normal and lots of mums are the same as me..something I didn't believe but looking at this thread......Good luck SophieB xx

EmilyTurner · 27/08/2006 20:28

Hello

Sorry to hear about your problems. Don't feel alone. I was also very depressed after having my daughter in Oct 2003. It came to a head in Jan 04. I didn't get much support from my health visitor (she came to do my pnd survey with someone else's notes and called me a different name throughout). I went on a fantastic website www.bacp.co.uk/ and went through all the different types of help available in my area. I picked a counsellor and it helped so much. I needed someone not related to me to see stuff objectively and I needed coping strategies. Best money I ever spent.

My problems stemmed from my dad. I worked for him and he sacked me when I got pregnant. He was cruel and, becoming a parent myself, I couldn't get over how a parent could be like that to a child. I am talking to him now but I can't say I feel the same about him.

I wrote something about my own experience of the Black Pit, as I called it, and how I crawled back out. And that's the message I want to share with you. Despite all those bleak times, I did crawl out and found happier times.

I wish you all the best in finding your boundaries with your in-laws and feeling able to keep them without guilt or pressure.

The post about my dad and work is here www.doingitallagain.com/2006/07/24/2640-the-post-i-said-i-would-never-write/

and the one about depression and being in a black pit is here www.doingitallagain.com/2006/07/24/2640-black-pit-survival/

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