first baby - how much help will we need at the start?

[twocatsonthebed]

Right, I need advice from those who have been there before...

I'm seven months pregnant, and this will be my first baby, and I'm trying to work out what will be the best way of coping when it's born in November.

The problem is, I'd quite like to spend at least a week (pref 2) with just me, dh and the baby, becoming a family, but everyone (friends, and in particular family) keep saying, oh you have no idea how much work it will be, how hard it will be, you'll need all the help you can get.

The situation is a bit more complicated by the fact that my parents are divorced, and so 'help' either means my father and step-mother coming to stay - with danger of my strangling stepmother after 48 hours, or my somewhat idiosyncratic chain-smoking mother coming, which I will also find stressful (I haven't lived with her since I was 7, to give you some idea). I can't see myself being able to relax, never mind staying in bed for the first week ignoring the world, if they're here.

So, if we freeze lots of meals, keep the cleaner on - and I have the added luxury of dh at home all the time, are we mad to think we will survive? Or should I just accept that having the house overrun by parents is the price we will have to pay?

I think you'll be fine tbh.Sounds like the relatives are more aggro than its worth.

I agree with sugarfree - stick to your guns about at least the first week, but say that if you do start to struggle (which I'm sure you won't) you will call on somebody - think by the sound of it you would be better off with just you and DH.

I'm sure you will be fine.

You have a cleaner and your dp, you will be fine!

IMHO, unless you have a screamer, all you need is someone to hold the baby while you have a shower.

It is hard yes, but mostly because being a new parent is hard emotionally and mentally, and no amount of family can change that.

If well meaning relatives turn up wanting to help, don't succumb to the temptation to let them have the baby while you chore. Let them chore.

You need to strike a balance. You will be on a high for the first few days but after that you will appreciate some quiet time, days when you can snooze without the threat of visitors arriving. I had rellies turn up unannounced on several occasions when I was still in my nighty (with leaky boob patches !!) All I wanted to do was have some quiet time with dh and new ds.

Everyone is different, and to some extent it depends on how the birth goes and what kind of baby you end up with. However, based on what you've described, it will actually be worse to have 'help' on hand than to muddle through on your own.

My mum (grandmother of eleven, so knows a thing or two) generally does a week of 'granny duty' after each babe is born, normally the week after the other granny in the case of my SILs. Her help is very much appreciated because she does this:

• all the housework
• all the cooking
• deals with visitors
• takes the baby out for a blissfully long walk in the afternoon
• takes the older kids to school/nursery
• supports breastfeeding without any guilt-trips if it doesn't work out

and doesn't do this:

• offer advice unless asked for
• take over the baby
• in fact do anything for the baby unless help is asked for
• expect to be waited on
• be highly annoying.

She doesn't do anything overnight and tries to avoid nappies (reasonably enough in my view, although my ds was a monster pooer so she did have to take her turn).

In other words, is brilliant and a complete asset.

My MIL is a bit trickier, but could be put to good use in taking the baby out for a walk (you have no idea of how great it is to be able to have a bit of kip knowing you haven't got to listen out for baby - but you will!).

What about your MIL? If money is not too much of a problem the alternative might be a post-natal doula, who I think basically do what my mum does on granny duty but they charge more (Wish I had known about post-natal doulas before, I reckon my mum could have made a fortune out of it).

Would any of your local friends be able to help out with the afternoon walk? (Might be more useful than just doom-mongering and telling you how much work it will be!)

Keep the rels away as much as possible! New born screaming- no prob , cooing rels- nightmare , they expect tea or coffee, make you feel yuk by saying you look tired aaaaaarghghghg ban the lot of them!

Yes, we isolated ourselves for 2 weeks. You can do things like, making sure the house is clean top to bottom beforehand, that removes a lot of stress. You will be visited by your mw and Hv in the first 2 weeks anyway, so if you have any problems they can help. Also keep in mind that if you find you can't really cope you can always then invite a family member to come and help. Do you have any friends that lives nearby that can help on short notice?

Making and freezing food is an excellent idea, we made enough for the first 2 weeks, but ended up getting take-aways and ready meals too. It took us about 5 weeks before we had a reasonable routine down.

If your DH is around it will be alot easier on you if he is the kind that wants to be involved.

We had no help until ds1 was about 2 and I was pg with ds2, then my friend took ds1 took ds1 a few times. We were absolutley fine with both boys; had a few people washing up etc when they came round to meet ds2, but nothing for ds1. And we really had no problems except being tired!

You will be absolutely fine. Is DH taking two weeks off work? I found I wanted a bit of support when my DP went back to work after 2 weeks, and we had his mum to stay, just for a couple of days. But we asked her because we knew she'd be positive and helpful - do not give in to having anyone to stay just because they're rellies - if you need help, ask whoever you most trust and think would be best - a friend or neighbour might be better than stressful family. You do not want anyone chainsmoking or winding you up around your new baby. Be absolutely firm now and tell your rellies your plans, because once the baby is here you'll be engulfed with hormones and may find it harder to be assertive.

Good luck and good on you!

I found the first week or two ok, tiring but with dh around it wasn't so bad. tbh it was such a blur of getting feeding going, changing, feeling a bit sore, remembering to eat myself that having people to stay would not have been welcome. It gave dh a chance to pitch in too, in a way which might not happen if there are other pairs of arms demanding cuddles etc. I did have my mum over (we were abroad) to help with ds when I had dd though.

Unless your "guests" are the type to muck in with the basic chores, be self sufficient, and whose support and "advice" you'd be happy to accept, think you 'd be fine without them for now tbh. You really don't need added stress of warring/competing grandparents at that time either .(Been there!)

Thankyou everyone - I feel v much reassured and will trust my instincts and stop worrying.

Yes, I will have DH around and off work for a week or two - but he works from home anyway, and will be doing a reduced workload for another week or so, so I will be v spoilt. And I think he'd like to get the hang of the baby too, without some rellie whisking it away from him.

Tribpot - can we have your mum? Sadly MIL died many years ago, and so it's my lot or nothing!

You sound really organised, I'm sure you'll be fine. I hadn't considered the effects of relatives after my son was born, I was prepared for sleepless nights but not the constant demands to see us. I tried really hard to show how well I was coping and to let people come for the first week but I got so tired my husband told everyone stay away for a bit. Try to make sure everyone comes to see you at the hospital or have 1 day where everyone is welcome, then tell them you need your own space for a week. The week I spend with my husband and new son was the best and most special time in my life, it is hard, exhausting, but WONDERFUL make sure you enjoy it!!

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Tell everyone that you will be nesting for the first few weeks so no guests
My family came to see us in hospital and then it was just us for the first 2 weeks
Then my mum came for week 3 - did all the cooking etc and was no hassle
weeks 4-7 MIL - I wouldn't recommend this bit, it wasn't too bad but she tends to trash the kitchen when cooking and say the wrong things

Tribot your mum sounds absolutely fabulous. I hope I can be as good when I become a gran!! (many years from now I hesitate to add)

Tribpot - can I borrow your Mum in February when mine comes? She sounds fab.
IME having someone there who is not going to do what you want them to is just more annoying and you end up with more work to do.
MIL came to stay when DS1 was born and I found it extremely difficult because she does things differently than me and I found that I just need familiarity and comfort type things.
When DS2 was born she was a bit more helpful as she entertained DS1 but DH asked them to leave a bit ealier than planned cos everything was going so well the second time round (feeding etc)
I would agree with the others and say, if you have a cleaner and DH arund and prepare ahead with the freezer measl, you won't need the added stress of rellies around as well!

You will be fine on your own (probably better off!!)
Both mine and DPs family live at least an hour away so we dont see them too often and we coped fine yes its hard work but I actually found it harder with people here cos you have to entertain them,when its just you and DH you can sleep when the baby does and get on with things.
It is true that an instinct kicks in and you know what to do plus you have the midwife calling for a week if you need advice

I tried to keep it 'just us' for the first 2 weeks but without fail MIL and BIL showed up every evening. Just when I was completely exhausted and could not deal with it. It was so hard to be polite and not scream at them.
Luckily my parents live overseas so they didn't arrive til week 4 which was much better. by then things had settled down a bit.
The hardest week was when DH wen t back to work and I was on my own for the first time. MIL had been bringing meals for us but that stopped that week as well so we ate a lot of sandwiches for dinner!!

I ended up with a section and tbh I was grateful for any help after DH had gone back to work.

You are much better with just your new family. Lovely for you to have a cleaner cos that means your dh can rest too. My mil came to stay cos she lives a long way from us and our relationship hasn't recovered yet. The fewer people there are to organise the better. However if anyone like tribpot's mum is offering then take that offer up