Irrational? Relationship worries

[hayesgirl]

33 weeks pregnant with twins. 2nd pregnancy. First pregnancy was a breeze but this one has been really hard.

With my first me and my DH maintained out usual sex life which was pretty active because obviously we had no kids then!

With this pregnancy, well we haven't had sex in a few months and it's likely to be at least another few before we do. My DH hasn't said anything about it at all and in fact it's not something we have discussed.

There's no medical reason why we aren't having sex, I just feel gross. My bump is hideous (freakshow big and the few stretch marks I got with DC1 are now huge and purple), I have had horrendous piles and my whole lady bits area is really swollen (apparently because of the pressure of 2 babies pushing down on it). On top top of that I've had low iron levels, exhaustion, horrendous heartburn and occasional sickness.

My DH is amazing and tells me I am beautiful even though I know he's lying (I have definitely not bloomed in this pregnancy!). I have absolutely no reason not to trust him but this horrible insecure monster is niggling in the back of my head.

My DH biggest flaw is that his bloody iphone is never out of his hand. He's always been the same. He's either on Facebook or Twitter or whatsapp or you tube. It's always driven me mad but I'm not (usually) the sort of person who is bothered about the fact that he is always talking to someone. He has a few close female friends. I know them and have never felt threatened before. Neither of us has ever felt the need to tell the other about every message we send or receive and we don't check each other's phones or anything ridiculous like that.

But I've noticed lately that a girl has been messaging him regularly, I never thought they were particularly close before, he hasn't mentioned her much previously and I can't think what she could possibly be messaging him about. He doesn't hide any messages and he was replying to her last night and I asked "who is ..." And he told me then laughed and said that I'd got nothing to be worried about.

Stupid thing is that I know he is right. I know who she is and pre-pregnancy I wouldn't feel in the slightest bit worried but I just feel so insecure at the moment I am almost convincing myself that he's gonna run off with someone else because how could he possibly be attracted to me anymore!!

Sorry this is so long - I know I need to snap myself out of it

When your feeling rubbish about how you look someone telling you you look lovely is shit isn't it. It feels like they are lying. Maybe ask him to say other things he likes about you instead. Like you're funny, or you're clever, or you're make great voices when you read children's books, or you're very good at grammar (I just had to redo all my you're because I typed your), or what ever some of the the other things about you are that he loves.

What he sees about you is completley different what we see in the mirror! So whenhe says your beautiful just listen....i know its hard, i dont think there is many women out there that listen to our other halves on these things. My hubby will occasionly say horrible things about himself, but all i see is the sexiest man ive ever known and im attracted to him more everyday :p if you want to try and have some sort of sex, as it will make you feel much better in yourself chuck. You. Might start to feel beautiful again :) Me Nd hubby havent had sex since about 20wks(28+3 and huge!), and are both gagging lol as blowjobs just not doing it for him anymkre, hes missing the intamacy as so am i. But i just cant with a heavy lump in my tum...it feels too awkward and uncomfortable, plus im in so much pain wich i find it hard to relax enough and enjoy the ride lol

Try not to let anything play on your mind too much aswell, you will drive yourself insane! Hope you feel better soon chuck xx

He doesn't hide any messages
:) To me as an outsider this is reassuring. NO ONE 'double bluffs' an affair unless they're a serious psychopath!

However perhaps talk to him about how you realise it is because of the pregnancy, but you feel jealous and a bit down at the moment etc'. I.e. don't accuse him, but explain your feelings.
He sounds a nice guy, sure he'll be a bit mortified he upset you by accident and will explain or cut down on the messages.

BTW lots of men (my DH included) find bumps hot ... primal urges "this woman is extra extra womanly, look at her lady bits make my child raaa"!

Thanks everyone. I know I'm being daft and not a single rational part of me thinks he is having an affair of any sort! I met my best friend for lunch and discussed it with her and she gave me a good talking to!

Also as part of "operation feel better about myself" I spent some time straightening my hair, put some make up on and did my nails which hasn't completely sorted me out but it definitely helped!

I empathise OP, I too am convinced of an affair but have no evidence at all. I had the same irrational thoughts for 2 or 3 weeks in last pregnancy, and now at 32 weeks, feel the same. My DH doesn't even have any close girl friends.

We have had a rubbish sex life since First DS came along 2 years ago so feel extra insecure now. I keep telling myself that I may not be as rational as I would normally be and that I haven't become some hideous bag that he could never be interested in.

Pregnancy is a hormonal roller coaster, be kind to yourself OP.

i have no advice for this, hayes, i just wanted to say thank you as dh and i are going through something similar. i'm 23 weeks and we haven't been intimate at all in any way since my bfp... at first it was because i wasn't feeling well, tired etc, and was worried about bleeding as i have a sensitive cervix. my state of anxiety was so high in those early days i just couldn't handle the thought of seeing blood. but as the weeks have gone on and i have grown so much and i can feel the baby move so much i'm having real problems seeing myself and my bits in that way. it's none of the stuff about worrying about hurting the baby; i just don't feel womanly or sexy any more. i don't know how much dh gets it. we did try to talk about it last night but i got a bit emotional and we didn't get very far. we've agreed to take it a day at a time for now and maybe try some of the things foxhugs suggested, but i can't really even imagine that. i'm so worried about damaging our relationship too. i didn't really expect or plan for any of this...

Foxhugs your post made me a bit emotional, I definitely don't show DH how much he means to me and I should. There is definitely not enough kissing!

Also glad to hear it isn't just me going through this!

I think feeling so insecure during pregnancy is a lot more normal then anyone realised and because you don't expect it it really does knock the wind out of your sails!

I'm 38 weeks and I know that my dp still finds me attractive even though our sex life has been seriously cut down! I feel awful about it but I'm just so tired all of the time I really can't find the enthusiasm and even when I do it isn't really about sex for me it's about feeling close to him and showing him that I love him.

I has quite bad stretch marks from my dc1 but this time I'm pretty sure they're 10 times worse and it's actually really upset me. I haven't put on huge amounts of weight in general but I know that my thighs and bum have grown which I think were my sort of 'good points' before so that's disheartening but dp still tells me I'm beautiful and sexy and he is so tender and loving with my bump that it's hard to not cheer up a bit looking him.

I didn't mean for it to turn into a massive rant about how I feel just wanted you to know that as far as I can see it's all a perfectly normal way to feel and that although we know it's worth it it's still damn hard coming to terms with the fact your body isn't really your own ATM!

But please know that you are beautiful, just as beautiful as your were before pregnancy and just as beautiful as you will be afterwards.