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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Announcing your pregnancy to a friend who has fertility problems

25 replies

ThePriory · 19/04/2014 17:58

Hi,

I'm a few weeks away from my 12wk scan, then will be announcing the news to friends and family. (4 closest people know already it's so hard to keep it in!)

I am a bit worried about how to tell one friend, we last spoke in Jan where I said it was a dreadful month (I was ill etc) and she said yes it was dreadful for her too, because she has another ectopic pregnancy, which makes it her third in a row. She is trying to conceive her 1st and has been for a year or so.

How do I go about telling her? Do I bring up her problems i.e "Sorry you've had trouble conceiving, but I am pregnant" which is very insensitive, or do I just not mention it, which is equally insensitive... ?

I really am not sure how to go about it, as it's such a sensitive issue, and I know some who have trouble conceiving don't even want to look at pregnant women in public, and recently saw on a MN thread that some pregnant ladies even get 'uninvited' to weddings because the bride has trouble conceiving...

Anyone else with experience of this situation?

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tracypenisbeaker · 19/04/2014 18:03

I think you should bite the bullet and tell her, straight up. She may very well be upset, but you are not responsible for her feelings. You are not the reason why she is struggling to conceive.

It is one of those unavoidable things in life- just make sure that she hears it from you.

Good luck to your friend

iwantavuvezela · 19/04/2014 18:10

When I was struggling to conceive (multiple miscarriages, followed by a few rounds of ivf), I appreciated a text first, or person telling my DH. That gave me a chance to digest the news, take it on board, and then genuinely be able to talk about it with pregnant friend (share their good news). I always felt caught off guard if told in a group or out, as I felt a bit naked and vulnerable, desperate not to show my own feelings of disappointment.
Perhaps that might work for your friend?
Congratulations on your pregnancy ......

icklekid · 19/04/2014 18:15

I had to tell a friend who had recently had a MC, it was hard but I knew she would be happy for me. We'd both been trying for about the same amount of time (9+ months) there is no easy way of saying it. Best to do on phone/face to face rather than a text. I'm now 28 weeks and shes still struggling but we are still close and I just make sure we talk about lots of non baby things too!

squizita · 19/04/2014 18:17

I've been the teller and the one who was told (I don't have fertility issues- like your friend I could conceive but had recurrent losses for 2 years, repeatedly, until thankfully diagnosed with a treatable condition).

I would make sure you do it quietly, without people there to see. Allow her to react 'differently' (e.g. she might be rather quiet about it, or say "I'm happy for you" but clearly sad for herself, or she might be perfectly normal and happy. It varies not only from person to person but telling to telling, I've found.). You can mention (afterwards maybe - if she is sad) that you didn't want her to find out in a crowd as you know it might be tough - she might appreciate that. Also, if she does look upset or sad, just say to her if there are any things she'd rather you not talk to her about ... I was fine with looking at scan pics, pregnancy gossip etc' but others I know in the same situation would smile then go home and sob.

It may be worth almost signalling to her what you're going to tell her - e.g. texting her ^"can we meet up just us, I have some news I'd like you to hear from me."" She may well understand from this what it's likely to be, and it might be less of a 'bombshell' that way. I did this with a friend in a similar situation - if anything I felt even worse because we were both diagnosed and treated and I clearly responded to treatment much faster. She told me she realised and appreciated me telling her quietly and with a bit of a hint before.

Just don't go round telling loads of other people before (finding out from a gushing friend-of-friend-gossip can totally throw someone). Make her one of the first.

Remember it is perfectly normal to be sad if you struggle to have a baby and happy at the same time for someone else's baby news. :)

Secretsquirrel13 · 19/04/2014 18:18

I think you need to say it when there's nobody else around and just say you feel awkward because you know what she's been through. Or even tell her by phone the day before so she has time to appear pleased for you by the time she sees you. You sound like a very kind understanding friend for considering her feelings in this.

ImAThrillseekerBunny · 19/04/2014 18:18

The one thing you definitely shouldn't do is tell her in front of other people. If you're doing it face to face it should be somewhere she doesn't have to put a brave face on it and you're free to tell her that you're sorry for her troubles if you think that's appropriate.

JuniDD · 19/04/2014 18:19

Congratulations to you!
I'd say always do it in writing first, though you know your friend. It's horrible having to try to the "right" face etc when you just feel like crying for yourself. I find/found it very difficult to react "normally" as at certain points it could be overwhelmingly upsetting.

I am in a similar situation, and having struggled through some horrible issues, I intend to send a letter to my friend and explain that I totally understand if it's difficult for her to see me etc. Everyone is different but I dreaded seeing friends I thought might tell me they were pg.

sugarandspite · 19/04/2014 18:21

Please please don't tell her face to face.

Tell her in a text when she isn't at work so she has time to compose herself and not worry about managing your emotions as well as her own.

Don't bring up her fertility issues in the text - just tell her that your pregnant and wanted to tell her first before it became public knowledge.

FamiliesShareGerms · 19/04/2014 18:25

I told my best friend over the phone. This allowed her to sSy congratulations, ask a few details like due date and then put the phone down to cry without it being (anymore) awkward for both of us.

Original poster

ThePriory · 19/04/2014 18:39

Thanks for the advise,

I'll definitely try to make sure she gets the news directly rather than hearing about it second hand, and I'll probably text to say 'I have some news' before calling... that way she'd prob guess what it is anyway then b more prepared.

OP posts:

squizita · 19/04/2014 18:47

Please please don't tell her face to face.

It depends on the person in my experience. I know many people with fertility or RMC issues who really don't like to find out in person for fear they'll be upset and it will be awkward. However some others (including me) would feel a bit betrayed- like we were being cut out of it because our feelings made all the others -the 'normal' women - uncomfortable. Because (I felt at the time) I was the 'different one' who might freak out... like I was already written off as bitter/totally different to normal women.

I appreciated a text or call warning me initially but when I knew people were dodging ever speaking face-to-face it really rubbed everything in.

It's such a very, very tricky situation because the personal feelings vary so much from person to person. OP do you know her well enough to judge this?

Perhaps texting or calling and following it up with an invitation open to take or refuse (whatever she wants) might be a good balance? If she prefers not to speak face-to-face then she need only decline, but she knows you're being sensitive - not avoiding her because (she might feel) her feelings are awkward to everyone else.

nc060 · 19/04/2014 19:02

This is a really difficult one and completely depends on how your friend reacts to these things. I struggled for 2 years to concieve and every time a friend fell pregnant, whilst I was delighted for them it completely devastated me (especially if I knew they hadnt been trying long). I was never told face to face and am sooooo glad of that as each time I cried my eyes out as I thought it would never be my turn. I think you need to think about how she deals with these issues and take it from there xxx

MrsHerculePoirot · 19/04/2014 19:13

I emailed my best friend. I said in the email that I wanted her to know as she was my best friends before I told everyone else, but that I also realised how hard it would be for her to hear the news and that I would let her take the lead in how much she wanted to hear or not hear about it from me as we went along. I didn't have fertility problems but took a long time conceiving both my children and had lots of tests so had a very small understanding of hearing other people's news and it making me feel upset for me as well as happy for them. She sent me a reply saying she really appreciated it and I am glad I did it that way.

SouthDerbyshireMamma · 19/04/2014 19:29

Just tell her straight. You can't sugar coat it and you can't hide it from her.

My sister has been trying for a number of years for her 2nd baby. She finally thought she had good news and found out this week shes lost the baby. I realise she doesn't want to spend as much time with me at the moment but I can't let whats happened to her to impact on our excitement about out first baby.

She'll understand, even if its difficult for her at first.

ikeaismylocal · 19/04/2014 20:01

Are you planning on doing a facebook anouncement? When I was having problems ttc I liked finding out about freind's pregnancies on facebook, then all you have to do is quickly press like, write congratulations and then react to the news in your own way.

I hated hated hated hearing about pregnancies face to face.

If your not thinking of making it public on facebook a text or e-mail would be my prefered way of finding out, especially as you havn't spoken to her since january so it doens't sound like your especially close friends.

Jcb77 · 19/04/2014 20:20

Have been on both sides of the coin. Took 6.5 years and IVF to conceive. It was very difficult hearing about the thousands (it seemed) family and friends having one it even 2 babies whilst we were trying and repeatedly failing. BUT, it didn't make me any less happy for them. A cousin got pregnant shortly after I miscarried and it was 'hushed up' but the family for fear of my reaction. Whilst I totally appreciated their sensitivity, it made me feel like some kind of leper even more.
I am now In the happy position of being pregnant, but with a friend who is facing IVF and desperately worried about her fertility and future. I told her face to face, before it became common knowledge (before 12 weeks even - I had limited chances). She cried, said she was happy for me, but upset for her an I understood. You can be both at the same time. It's very very hard to know what to do but you will know your friendship and your friend best - whether a face to face or a 'heads up' text is best.
I wouldn't leave her out or try to hide it though, it might well make her feel worse when she does find out. Good luck.

Dollydots · 19/04/2014 20:32

I've been on the other side of this, having serious fertility issues. I really appreciate it when a friend tells me on my own and not as part of a group of people, also I wouldn't do it at the beginning of a meal or something because it might hits them hard and they need some time.

Also for me personally I hate it when they tell me and then say I'm really sorry I know your having problems etc because I find it patronising.

Tbh I feel that friends and relatives having babies makes no real difference as it's my baby I want, not sure if that makes sense.

The thing that does wind me up is people who say things about their pregnancy being a mistake, being pregnant is getting on their nerves etc.

Enjoy your pregnancy, your obviously a lovely friend to be thinking about your friend and her feelings.

Shroomboom · 19/04/2014 22:01

Please don't tell her in person or over the phone. An email or text would be best, it'll give her the opportunity to have a cry if she needs to without feeling like she has to just put on a brave face. I would be prepared for her to be a little distant for a while - just give her time.

I had years of trying for dc2 (lots of mc's followed by infertility and IVF) while all around me people were falling pregnant. Being told used to tear me apart, even with my best friend who knew what we had been going through, and then had a happy accident. I was pleased for them all inside but my goodness me it hurt. I got to the stage where I couldn't even talk to ladies who were pregnant, and I think anyone going through fertility problems who manages to acknowledge and ask about pregnancies is amazing. Good luck with your pregnancy, and I hope your friend isn't too far behind you

Errrr2012 · 19/04/2014 22:25

Hi, my sister has had many years trying to get pregnant and when I was pregnant for the first time a couple of years ago I just rang her as I wanted her to know before anyone else. She later told me that she found it really difficult as speaking to her put her on the spot as much as face to face. She was happy for us but was upset too and I hadn't given her any forewarning to get herself together. She would've really appreciated a text to let her deal with it on her own first. Why don't you do that and sign it off with 'let me know if you want to meet for a cuppa soon' or something like that so it's not too forced. I'm sure she'll be happy but it will be a shock and difficult to cope with. X

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 19/04/2014 22:51

I told a friend recently that I was pregnant knowing that she'd had an utterly shit year fertility wise. I wasn't apologetic or embarrassed, this is something I really wanted and have for ages. I think telling her any way other than in person would have undermined our friendship and would have been patronising. I did make sure she knew before I told most other people and was able to tell her shortly before a time when we wouldn't be able to talk for a week. I wanted her to have some space from me.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 19/04/2014 22:53

I do like the half way house of an "I've got some news" text warning.

drinkyourmilk · 19/04/2014 23:00

I prefer to find out via text or Facebook. It allows me to get my own feelings out without spoiling my friends excitement.

I'm genuinely happy for my friends but the sadness/disappointment/anger I feel for myself just has to come out, and I would hate for people to feel they are directed at them. After the initial shock I find myself caught up in the loveliness of new babies

Heatherbell1978 · 20/04/2014 00:52

I've got a friend who not only was struggling to conceive but then was diagnosed with breast cancer and had to undertake some swift egg extraction before starting her chemo so she could attempt IVF afterwards. She's 39. So that was a hard one for me, I was planning to tell her face to face but ended up doing it in an email because she cancelled on the catch ups we had planned cos of illness. In hindsight I'm glad I did it that way cos I could tell in her response that although she was happy for me, she was struggling with it. I'm 23 wks now and she tends to avoid asking me about the pregnancy and I can tell it is still hard for her but she has a lot on her plate so I don't let it bother me.

highlove · 20/04/2014 01:42

Another one here who'd always rather have been told be text - I found that allowed me time to digest in my own way (read: have a but if a sob) before responding. If you really feel you have to tell hr personally then do it by ph

highlove · 20/04/2014 01:45

Argh FFS.

Do it by phone - that way she can make excuses of she needs to. Whatever you do, don't tell her in a group or take her out somewhere to do it.

She'll ultimately be pleased for you but infertility is a thoroughly shit and deeply painful thing to go through and it can torture watching others get pf around you. But you sound like a lovely friend for thinking about her. Don't let this spoil your moment - you deserve to be excited, too.

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