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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable regarding visitors...?

58 replies

jadef · 15/04/2014 10:19

I am married to a bit of a mummies boy, but in fairness his family is really lovely and very supportive. Husband is struggling though to understand my request for no visitors following c-section birth of twins - likely to be between 35-36 weeks due to pre-eclampsia and an already 13 day stay in hospital and counting!! Am I being unreasonable to request 24-48 hours before grandparents visit? I figure our world will be slightly upside down for those first few days and I will be recovering whilst trying to get my head around having two new little babies. Ideally I would like a week, but I know there's no way that is going to happen!!! What is fair for everyone?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

squizita · 15/04/2014 10:36

No, you will have had a major op, made more extreme by twins!

Sometimes people think "aww baby" and forget mum's just had a big operation (or the equivalent of a smaller op while running the marathon).

Be kindly firm about it being a TWIN, C-SECTION due to pre eclampsia... A big, serious thing. 48hr is reasonable. Just remind them...

Remind them also back in the day your situation would have been far riskier/scarier for all, so the 48 hr wait is down to us being v lucky in the UK!

Nades84 · 15/04/2014 10:38

You are not being unreasonable at all, I'm having an ELCS in 3 weeks and I've already said that for the first 24-48 hours the only visitor allowed is DS. I had a horrific birth ending in EMCS with him and I'll always remember being swarmed with visitors from the get go while all along just wishing they would go home! Forget about thinking what's fair for everyone else (my DP is a mummy's boy too!), it's up to you. This time round I want us to have time to bond with our baby before he/she starts being passed round to everyone else. Might sound harsh but as I learnt last time you don't get those first few hours again and there's always time for visitors later

TinyTear · 15/04/2014 10:44

48 hours?? i said i didn't want visitors for 2 weeks!!

ok i had one at 1 week, but that was a good friend who is a baby photographer to take photos of my DD

Minions · 15/04/2014 11:12

Such a difficult one, I totally sympathise. I haven't been through it myself so can't offer any advice but I wonder whether it will be better if they visit when you're in hospital rather than when you first get home. At hospital there's strict visiting hours and you're getting looked after. No need to feel obliged to sort out tea/biscuits, worry about the place being tidy etc. If they wait until you're discharged, they'll be desperate to meet your beautiful newborns and these first few days at home may be when you & DH want the time to yourself.

As I said, no experience so maybe rubbish advice - good luck.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 15/04/2014 11:21

You are not being unreasonable, have you told your DH how you're likely to feel and the recovery afterwards? When I had DS the hospital only allowed 2 visitors and they had to be named by us, no one else was allowed in.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 15/04/2014 11:26

You're not being at all unreasonable. I have never understood the need to visit someone as soon as a baby is born, most especially if there are unmitigating circumstances. Agree with TinyTear - 48hrs is still too soon, and personally, I'd ask them to hold off for a least a week.

My MIL was a bit like this - she lives really close and constantly popped in - I'd had a difficult birth, was really struggling to B/F, my own Mum lived miles away. If MIL had popped around with, say a casserole, or offered to cook a dinner, or do a bit of shopping or pop the hoover round, maybe, that would have been so lovely (I've done all those things for her when she and FIL have been in poor health). But no, she just popped in to cuddle new baby, I was still in my dressing-gown, very painful stitches which made it difficult to walk, but I'd end up making lunch and cups of tea for her whilst she just sat on the sofa, cuddling my new baby who was screaming for a feed (which I was finding difficult to provide). Very, very, very stressful.

So OP - stick to your guns. If you don't want visitors in the early days, then say so. Tell them when you are ready for them, and not before. Unless, of course, they are going to offer some practical help . . .

ElseaStars · 15/04/2014 11:27

YANBU I hope everything goes smoothly. I would take it all day by day.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 15/04/2014 11:36

Oh, and of course - good luck with your babies. Hope you enjoy them

Iona1651 · 15/04/2014 11:36

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

I'm a low risk with one baby and we've already decided to put a note on the door (not sure how long for yet) saying no visitors please we're bonding with our baby/resting - so having twins and a C-section I think people should understand . Our notice is due to having seriously nosy neighbours though, not family. My OH's parents live 600 miles away and my mum will probably be at the birth/hospital with us anyway. My brother and best friend will ring beforehand.

If I was you I'd be putting barbed wire around the house to keep people out!

Good luck - I hope everything goes ok for you. xx

MummytoMog · 15/04/2014 11:38

I hated having anyone around after both my relatively normal deliveries. MiL turned up about five minutes after I got DC1 back from SCBU and had to be fairly forcefully removed by BiL. Who was also not invited to the hospital. In fact, nobody was supposed to come to the hospital at all, DM rolled up entirely unwanted and had to be removed by FiL. The only people who I did want to visit were my BFs, because they were lovely and brought me books and food and didn't just try to take photos of DD having her nappy changed or breastfeeding. Am seriously contemplating an 'oops' home delivery to avoid visitors full stop as DSis is already plotting madly about looking after kids while DC3 is born.

OnlyLovers · 15/04/2014 11:45

Not at all! I don't have kids but can imagine I'd want at least a week even with a straightforward delivery and one baby.

I'd hold out for a week, personally. Your DH should support you, IMO.

Good luck and don't let them bully you!

Fluffalump · 15/04/2014 11:57

You might suprise yourself and find you will want to show your babies off when they get here. I would say, we will call you when we are ready for visitors and leave it at that. I have twins and they were in nicu for 7 weeks and the only visitors who were allowed were close family but no one was allowed to touch them other than parents.

littleducks · 15/04/2014 11:59

I think we differ in opinions as I was miffed when people didn't visit me after my babies abs found it really lonely but it might be worth considering then visiting in hospital. Then the rules about only two at a time and a fixed visiting time ending are established. Just a thought though so whatever suits you best.

rachyconks · 15/04/2014 12:05

My friend recently had twins at 35 weeks. They were in neo natal and only mum & dad where allowed in to see them. She just had her parents & his parents to visit her the next day (and me!). She was on the ward (as you will be after c section) and hated not having her babies with her when everyone else did. She appreciated her visitors to take her mind off it.

That being said, it's entirely up to you, and you would be well within your rights to tell them you don't want to see anyone for a couple of days. I had a baby last Friday and only had my parents, DH, DD and MIL to visit. I was a bit lonely tbh. It's nice to have someone to chat too.

Barbsta · 15/04/2014 12:05

I've asked for 3 days with no visitors and everyone has luckily been understanding. I think it's a nice idea for parents and child to have a little time alone to enjoy before visitors. Plus it's a big thing if be going through il be wanting to try get some normality before visitors

weebigmamma · 15/04/2014 12:06

typing one handed with week old section baby asleep on me. i am having this scenario too. my dad wants us at his on easter sunday, mum and in laws also want to visit and i just want to hibernate for a while. they all seem to have forgotten that i've had an operation and babe has had 2 doc appointments since leaving hospital and my blood pressure is climbing... i am trying to put off the visitors but it is making me feel awful as well.... but we're not awful, are we? we're protecting a vulnerable situation because our needs and the babies' needs are a priority. thank god for mumsnet, i do feel less alone today and i hope you do too. xxxx

feesh · 15/04/2014 12:09

I had twins and I said no visitors for two weeks! I was glad of it as it was such a massive adjustment time in our lives and I also really, really didn't want them catching any bugs as they were so small. Mine were 37 weekers, but in your case I would be been stricter about visitors.

Plus, if you are attempting to breastfeed, you will have your norks out almost constantly, and I'm not even exaggerating!

mopsytop · 15/04/2014 12:16

I had no visitors for two weeks. I didn't really care what other people wanted, I just thought about what I wanted. After an awful stressful theatre birth I was a wreck and I spent most of the first two weeks crying. So I was so relieved I had said no visitors as I don't think I could have coped. The thing is if you say no visitors and change your mind and want to see people, that is very easily fixed. If you find you really don't want to see anyone and have them all piling in on you, it is a lot harder. I think 48 hours is more than reasonable given you're having twins early. And you will want to be careful about infection as they will be wee, so maybe use that as part of your 'reasons' (although I don't think you should need any reasons actually! Your labour, your body, your children, your choice!)

mopsytop · 15/04/2014 12:17

(ps not planned theatre birth, not trying to freak you out, sorry. My friends who have had both unplanned and planned theatre births say unplanned is a million times better, less stressful etc. Hope all goes well and you get the time you need to adjust)

mopsytop · 15/04/2014 12:18

Agh I mean PLANNED is better. Not doing v we today

MrsMonkeyBear · 15/04/2014 22:21

I want a week long ban but mil lives across the toad and has keys to my house...she's also my taxi to the hospital as neither dh or I drive. My sister has already told her boss that she will need time off when I've popped. Dm has booked time off work and will be having dsf dropping her off every day.

I want to tell them all to eff off but feel like I would start ww3. But then again I might just check into a hotel and hide for a week.

TeenageMutantNinjaTurtle · 15/04/2014 22:26

Yanbu. I had a couple of close friends come the day after who brought food, made tea and did nice things, like the washing! My mum came after 4 days and in laws some time after that.

In the weeks before the birth we just used the phrase "we're going to play it by ear" whenever anyone asked about visiting. I don't think you can reasonably be expected to make plans in advance as you have no idea what the circumstances will be...

Mrswellyboot · 15/04/2014 22:35

YANBU

I had major problems with a long term friend putting the phone down on me, saying I should get over it easier than a normal birth etc. I hurt me so much, we are no longer friends. She still maintains she did no wrong. I think is perfectly reasonable to be able to bond with your baby.

Sweetpea86 · 15/04/2014 22:41

YANBU

I'm low dependany preg, this is my first child, I would perfur no one at hospital and no visitors for a few days a week my mil would kick off lol.

I doubt it will happen though. People forget pregnacy and birth of a child is about you baby and dad.

I got really pissed off the other day I've moaned to a friend a few times about not wanting family up at the hospital my mum is totally fine with it and my hubby is to scared to say out to his mum so don't know how she will take it lol.

Any way wasom fone to friend the other day she's going on holiday next week and said I better have baby before she goes away so she can visit me in hospital WTF makes her think she can come if family can't.

But I've just decieded not to tell any one I'm in labour and at home from hospital.

It seems to be all about every one else is what I have learnt.

I hope every thing goes ok for you :)

BingoWingsBeGone · 15/04/2014 22:45

I hid in the local cottage hospital for a week post CS

Do what you want and sod them would be my advice

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