told my husband not to tell anyone just yet that I am pregnant but he did

[beebeejones]

He told his parents even after we agreed not just yet. We already have a child three year old girl. During that pregnancy I ended up in hospital and my mother in law came to visit two days later even though she lives down the road from hospital. After few days in hospital I went home still in pain and she wasn't there for me at all even though she lives a bus ride from us. Then when our daughter was born (her first grandchild) and up until this day she has made almost zero effort to be around her. I always had push for a relationship. Now I am 10 weeks pregnant and had/still having morning sickness better now but it was really bad at the beginning so my husband decided to ask his mum to have our daughter one Friday until early afternoon when I would pick her up. Next two Fridays she went to her grandmas again. I just said to my husband oh no she is going to kill us for asking her. He said don't worry you need this. Yesterday I found out from him that he told her that I was pregnant and now I am so angry with him. The reason is that before Christmas at 7 weeks I had a miscarriage I was so depressed but didn't talk about it to anyone just my husband. He knew how I felt so when I got pregnant straight after I worried so much still worry and decided to wait like most people until first 12week scan to make sure everything was OK and then share the news. But my husband went behind my back and told his parents and told them not to tell me. What I think is, His mum being as she is not that bothered with our daughter he felt he needed to give her a reason why she needs to take care of our girl three Fridays in a row. Pathetic if you ask me. She shouldn't need a reason for taking care of her granddaughter for five hours very now and then. I feel so hurt and betrayed by both my husband and them. On top of that my husband went behind my back few years ago by sneaking to the car and talking to a female friend that I never met and convinced me that it was nothing and he made a mistake and would not do this again but then went to moto race and later admitted that this friend was there as well but kept it a secret as he really wanted to go. Now he wont apologise saying he did me a favour as I was struggling but my kid is with me most of the time anyway so was it worth it going behind my back just to give me 5 hours peace? I don't think so. Am I wrong?

This strikes me as a communications issue between you and DH.

Have there been other times when he has just done stuff (important things, I mean) without consulting you? Especially ones he knows you wouldn't agree with?

Not that i know of. But this is the thing. My friend got betrayed by her husband so badly and he cheated on her so now they are getting a divorce. And now I am so confused thinking what if my husband hid many more things from me that I am not aware of. I am starting to doubt him and our relationship. Sad really and scary.

I worry about the lies about the female friend, but I see this was years ago. You have, however, mentioned it in the current context, and I wonder if you are saying that you feel betrayed and untrusting of him generally, and particularly at the moment, and that this episode with the female although years back has been on your mind, and adding to your sense that he can't be trusted?

I wondered if some couples therapy might be useful, not so much to iron out the 'telling the in laws' thing (I think he was a fud to do that, and that it's pretty dreadful your MIL would need to be told that just to help out), but more for the general trust stuff that seems to be coming up for you right now. Pregnancy can make us terribly vulnerable. It can be really hard sometimes to work out what is a genuine warning bell, or just some past stuff that we're scared will come up again.

Good luck x

To me, it sounds as if you're overreacting because of unresolved trust issues dating back to this friendship with another woman, plus the fact that you don't seem to have a great relationship with your MIL.

My mum can be difficult and if I was asking her a favour (like your DH was doing) and she looked as if she wasn't going to help out, I would probably tell her something I'd agreed not to in order to get her to do it. So if your MIL made a fuss about having your DD when your DH asked, he was just responding in a way that meant she would do it in order to give you a break. I can see where he might be coming from.

Your MIL is not going to change overnight so I don't think there's any point you getting stressed over her reluctance to take your DD or spend more time with your family generally. Unfortunately, some people are just like that and it'll be her loss.

The trust issue with your DH is a separate thing which seems to have been allowed to rankle for too long. Bringing the situation with your MIL into it just clouds the issue IMO, and your pregnancy and previous loss is heightening your emotions. I'm no expert, but as someone whose DH was also caught out having a suspicious text/phone relationship with another woman, all I can do is advise you to have an honest conversation about how much it hurt, explain that you can't just forget about it as that would make it OK, but that to move forward he has to be completely honest with you on all levels – even about stupid little things.

Good luck.

I found out my hubby had told about 15 people I was pregnant when we'd vowed to tell 1 person each!!! I'd had a MC about 6-8 weeks before. I wasn't angry... afterall, it's not just all about me & perhaps he needed to talk to others. however, I don't think with you that this is the main problem... I think the trust issues go far deeper. hope it all works out xx

I might be overacting but trust and honesty is something I highly value in a relationship. And the fact that this is a third time he's done something behind my back doesn't help. So I hope you understand were I am coming from and I admit the fact that his mum doesn't give a s**t about me and my child why would i tell her something so private just yet. What if I lose this baby I don't want to share something so personal with her or anyone. And this is what my husband doesn't seem to understand. I try now not to worry much about the way she is but at the same time she is in our life and we need her occasionally. Concerning therapy I am not really up for it because I say to my husband everything that is on my chest and he does too more or less. Also we only have his mum around so again we would have to ask her to babysit every week and of course tell her were we going. I am a very private person and my husband knows this

I just realised that by saying he tells me everything more or less sounds like we then don't have a problem. And we do. We've been sending each other messages all day trying to figure things out and I find out he didn't tell me the whole truth. He said to his parents not only that I am pregnant but that I had a misscariage. I am so angry he won't be coming home for some time. How could he do this. During miscarriage I cried and was depressed and I told him I don't want anyone to know. Not even my mum who I'm pretty close to. He totally disregarded my wishes. How am I suppose to trust that man again?

I'm reluctant to comment too much as I don't feel like I can really be much help but perhaps he needed some support frim his mum. She's still his mum even if your relationship with her isn't great. you decided it was too personal & hurt too much to speak to others but it may have affected him too...? x

We talked and he apologized but it doesn't mean much. When asked why did you tell them? The answer was I don't know I was not thinking straight. Men are so stupid honestly.