Which decisions have/will you and DP make in advance?

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Just that really. It feels like there are probably some really basic things couples should agree on before their baby's born but can't think beyond feeding. What were/are your top 5?

1.name

1. Feeding (I have had breast surgery, augmentation due to underdeveloped breasts, so we have decided to bottle as I have hardly any mamory glands possibly none)
2. Care (dp is hm forces, I only see him on weekends) so I get Monday to friday hands on and a more relaxed weekend with oh doing night feeds, this also played a part in the feeding decision if I'm honest.
3. Upbringing discipline and education
4. Finances

We decided on the name, as once we knew the gender I knew the baby would be known by her name, even if (tragically) anything had happened.

I decided on the feeding - he didn't get too much of a say on that one - probably not a popular decision on here but there you go

Um... I think that was it. Lots of other points such as discipline, education and that had all been covered in the years we'd been together. We never specifically had a conversation about that stuff, we just knew each others opinions.

Finances is a sensible one, especially for during maternity leave. You need to make sure you have money in your bank account and aren't relying on physical handouts.

Only 7 weeks but we've talked about finances, names but that's it. Dh is very supportive and we usually agree but worried that having a newborn is going to be stressful!

Hmm. I would make sure that you both have similar attitudes to childcare. E.g. What do you think about co sleeping, how will you manage sleep deprivation, do you agree on any possible sleep training methods, what approach to weaning will you take, then later on what approach to behaviour will you take etc.

Although I would say it's just important to remember to discuss things with each other, and agree, before you implement something. Don't be too fixed on specific things in advance - both of you should be prepared to be flexible and change your minds.

Hmm this is quite interesting. I guess DH and I have a similar outlook on most things.

1. We've pretty much decided names for either gender (am only 6+3! Over planners!)
2. Feeding: Will aim to breastfeed for 6 months or so but would really like to combination feed with one EBM or FF feed done by DH at night - not sure how feaible this is as it's very hard to find info about mix feeding!
3. Have discussed how we will manage work (we do similar jobs) I will take mat leave as it fits in with breastfeeding & I earn slightly less, but after that we will both work full time with one day each from home.
4. How much to spend on baby kit - have told him I'm happy to beg borrow steal almost everything (lukcily my sister & lots of friends have stuff to lend) but the one thing we're splashing out on is a Bugaboo.
5. Education - we will likely to send our kids to church school of my religion, possibly my old school (of which DH isn't a member and I'm not a church-goer but the schools are pretty good & I like the idea of my kids going to the same school as I did. Any teachers who remember me will definietly not like this idea.)

Life insurance, who gets baby if we both die are top.

1. Sleeping arrangements
2. How to fit the car seat and fold the buggy.
3. Cleaning rota/who does what chores when baby arrives.
4. Pre-birth; who, how. When to tell people of babies arrival....makes sure relatives/friends dot blab on fb before you've had a chance to tell everyone. Etc

Hard to work out what we need to decide/ agree upon when I have v little idea what having my first baby will be like! Take each day as it comes to some extent.

I don't know how far along you are but:

1. Tests - will you have Downs test done etc, what would you do if you find out at scan that baby is mildly/ severely disabled?
2. Names
3. Vaccinations - all, some, none?
4. Early years care - SAHM or nursery/ child minder?
5. Education - state, private (if an option)
6. Religion - christening? faith school?
7. God parents (or who would child go to in event you both die) Sounds extreme but you have to be prepared and you'd be surprised at how hard it is to choose when you start thinking about logistics. Who is able to raise child for next 20 yrs, who will ensure child sees other family etc.
8. Finances - yours, how much to spend on baby, savings for baby etc.
9. Discipline - primarily, is smacking ever acceptable (not a problem if you agree but a very divisive emotional issue if two parents are on either side)

10. Feeding, sleep training, weaning, etc.

A lot depends on the dad, some are like "clueless - whatever mum thinks best", some have very strong but archaic notions, others want to be more hands on and maybe have strong feelings about issues close to them.

Finances, education and general approach. Neither of us is into attachment parenting for example, we're both much more old school.

Details can be discussed as you go but I think overall approaches need thinking about.

Oh and Gennz, with regards to DH doing one feed a night, in theory this would be wonderful but only works with FF. If it's EBM then you'll still need to wake up at the same time to express which kind of defeats the object of sleeping through! Because in the early weeks/ months your body won't be able to go 6-8hrs without feeding/ expressing without you waking up from the discomfort of engorged breasts.
There is the possibility of dropping a middle of the night feed altogether, your body will adapt in about a week or so, and DH just doing a FF bottle at that time.
But there is also the conflict about baby drinking from both breast and bottle. Some switch fine, some can refuse either one point blank. Bottles are easier to suckle from so baby can quickly become lazy about the breast.

Names. That was basically it!

As I am the one with them most of the time he trusts my choices.

When preparing for arrival we looked at furniture/pram etc together but it was more I showed him what I liked.

Discipline/manners we both have the same ideas and parent very similarly without having ever discussed it.

DH knew that I was adamant I would BF and was/is completely supportive of it. We never discussed it just more of "I'll be BFing" "ok, make sure you don't leave the hospital until you are happy you confident with what you're doing"

DD's childminder I picked as DH said he trusts my judgment and tbh I would the same.

As they get older we will discuss issues that arise as and when.

I think we are pretty lucky that we have similar styles/beliefs so didn't need any major chats!

To add to mixed feeding. I managed to combination feed with one bottle before bed for about 9 weeks. It meant she slept through the night which I was delighted about! DD then decided bottles were much easier and started refusing breast. She is now FF and has been since 4 months. Most upsetting. When I have another baby I won't be combination feeding until at least 6 months in case this happens again.
Congratulations on your pregnancy xx

Another one to discuss in advance, what should your DP do if the baby needs medical attention straight after birth- I told DH to stick next to the baby no matter what state I was in, so if baby was taken to scbu, he went too, not stay with me, no matter how ill I was. (We had this conversation after talking to a dad who's dc was very sick after birth and was being blue lighted to another hospital in the next town, but his dw nearly died at the birth, he talked about feeling torn about where to be)

Oh and money! Talk openly about when your mat leave money ends, and also the costs of childcare.

We're still super early into pregnancy, but we've already discussed:

• do we find out baby's gender before birth?
• breastfeeding
• working patterns

And lots more in our relationship beforehand, including

• baby names
• education
• which siblings aren't allowed anywhere near our kids for several years....!!
• who would have the children if we died

In no particular order:

Life/critical health insurance
Guardians and will
Parenting strategies (essentially not using "wait til your father gets home")
That it was OK to read parenting books, and whichever one read the other would read as well.
That dh would be my advocate and support my choices during labour.
That if anything frightening or worrying happened dh would do the research and filter info to me until I was ready to face it.
Names
Religion
Not discovering the sex.
SAHP/WOHP, and which of us.
That when the dc was in the buggy or carseat, the straps would always be done up, that way there would never be a "but I thought he was strapped in" accident.

Feeding was almost the least important, perhaps because we both inclined towards bfing.

Early pregnancy:
Pregnancy and birth care - what we are or aren't having in terms of prenatal care or interventions, where to give birth, who should be there, what we would do if something happened to the baby before/during birth, who gets told when
Religion (both Christian but different branches!)
Names
Finances
Childcare options (some areas you need to get your name down for nursery very quickly)
We also discussed language as we speak 4 between us (3 each and 2 in common), but have settled on our main language each and broadly OPOL at the start - this was important to do early so we got used to speaking to baby in that language through the pregnancy

Later on:
Parenting style - cosleeping, BFing, leaving baby to fuss or not, dummies, routine
Guardianship
Education/schooling
Discipline and boundaries
Practical arrangements immediately post-birth for the next month or so and what I could reasonably do before while on ML/could be outsourced.

With our first we discussed (debated) a lot of things regarding feeding, behavior, schools etc etc. In reality all we needed was names decided. Dh had very strong opinions on feeding, schools and various other things I can't remember. He soon realised that his strong opinions were having an impact on bf that wasn't working for us and soon backed off. We chose a nursery together, well he came to see my short list.

You'll soon realise that you don't need to agree or discuss much you just deal with it when it crops up as feelings change overtime. These days I tell dh what's happening regarding feeding etc in early days as it's me that will be doing it.

You'll find the older your children get then you have more to discuss as they want to do more than your sometimes comfortable with like sleepovers and going to park on their own. Our biggest ongoing debate is about our eldest wanting a mobile phone.

Don't get hung up about having to agree on things now it will all fall into place when it needs to, just focus on the important things now like your birth plan make sure he understands everything and can back you up if he needs to. I talk to dh about the things we do/don't wantto hhappen if I'm out of it or have to have a genera.AnesAnesthetic.

Thanks everybody, these are all great points, keep them coming!

I think I'm drawing a bit of a blank because me and DH have a similar outlook so agree on most things. We can happily compromise where we disagree. As such we're good at making decisions as we go, but as I get further along (currently 17 weeks) I feel we need to make up our minds about in some things advance so we can ensure grandparents, etc., have a clear steer and consistent approach.

Needed also to agree to change if things weren't working, or simply changed. Dh can be a bit of a stickler for following plans to the letter. Parenting's need for flexibility has been a complete and challenging eye-opener for him.