Is maternity leave always that lonely?

[Happychick35]

Sorry for posting here, but I always found the greatest support in pregnancy part of mumsnet. So here is my question is maternity leave always lonely? I had my baby very long awaited miracle two months ago and suddenly was suprised by lack of attention. My BFF had a baby 4 months ago and lives on opposite side of London so not much chance to meet. And otherwise I was really suprised that people who I thought were friends did not really show much interest except txt message congratulations and Facebook likes no visits or phone calls. Our NCT group does not meet that often. Did anybody else has been through this and how did you make new friends? Thank you

You need to get out of the house. 2months is not a long time, but hopefully baby is more settled & transportable now? Try Baby groups? Mum & buggy exercise class?

I'm 4 weeks in and totally get what you are saying. I'm planning to get out of the house and visit someone/a baby group every day. It's not easy at the moment with the Easter holidays meaning all local groups have stopped for 2 weeks, but I'm finding having a plan to do "something" once a day is helping.

This is the point at which you realise baby groups are solely to get mums out of the house and nothing to do with entertaining babies! Find out what is on locally - BF group (if you are), ask HV about children's centre, church mum and baby/toddlers, paid classes like Jolly Babies or baby sensory, buggy bootcamp... I found one group a day was enough to keep me sane.
I am worried about this with no3 due in June, due to various things all my friends have moved on from the baby stage years ago and I do find it quite hard to make new friends. Ds2 was a very difficult screamy baby so no chance of sitting chatting in a coffee shop with him, I'm hoping this one will be more placid!

Absolutely get out of the house and force yourself to go to groups. It genuinely makes all the difference.

Scour your local free mags, online forums, council listings, church halls for listings of groups. That's what I did and then I made a weekly timetable so that I knew what was on where so if I didn't make one, I would make another.

I think sometimes it is, but for me it was more the change of circumstance. I was used to working full-time, chatting with my colleagues in the office, seeing friends easily in the evenings, being able to do things with DP, and after DD arrived all of that stopped.

One thing to consider with your friends who haven't seemed to have made much effort is that they might think that you want to be left alone with your baby, and don't ask if they can come over because they think they will be intruding.

But if you are feeling lonely or cooped up then it's definitely time to explore what's going on. Do you have a SureStart centre that can tell you about your nearby groups? Also MN and NM have local boards (I made a really good friend advertising on the NM coffeehouse board - it's worth remembering that there will probably be plenty of other mums like you who don't have family and friends on the doorstep who are looking for someone to socialise with). I also found that, while it was hard, you do have to bite the bullet and often be the one to ask people you start to meet at groups if they'd like to pop around for a coffee one day. If you ask them where they live, that's a good subtle way of doing it - "oh, you're right near me, would you like to come round one afternoon?"

I found it helps if you remember you're not looking to make friends for life, just to find someone who you find it OK to spend an hour with once a week.

Yes baby groups! My Nct group was a bit of a let down really we only managed to meet up properly twice but I do see a couple of the girls from it that live close. Mainly I've made friends with people at groups baby massage, baby sensory, stay and play. I felt the same way in the beginning but you'll meet people at groups and start making plans from there :)

Thank you girls for all your responses! Already feel better that I am not the only feeling like this. Thurlow yes I was working full time and I guess now it is time to readjust. NM you mean net mums? Whishful what is stay and play? Looks like is time to create a social calendar and check what is around. Friends is just a bit of disappointment. Everybody says that you get a lot of presents and visits. Not my experience so far :-( Bakingtins what is HV?

Netmums have a meet up with local mums board as mentioned which is worth looking into (I have only used the site for that board and their for sale boards!).

I used to make sure I got out every day to a mum group of some sort after my son was 8 weeks old (before that it was the summer and a lot of groups were off, plus I wanted to be confident I wouldn't have to feed him on every trip, though that stopped mattering).

I do wonder if it's harder in London than in small towns but I suppose it depends where you are. Good luck!

OP, I never had the visits and presents either.

Thing is with being in London, you kind of have to make your own small village of people. London is big but if you get hyper local in your search you can find out what is going on in your community.

I've lived in my bit of London for ages but really felt I got to know the area really well when on maternity and found out loads I'd never known before.

I used to refer to it as cabin fever to dh, he never saw my need to have something to do every day (nearly) when I was on mat leave
Until it was ds birthday and the clocks had changed and we had been up for hours with nothing to do other then open presents (our plans were later in the day) and he was chopping at the bit to get out and do something!

Ds is 17 1/2 months now and all the mum friends I made are back at work but we are trying to organise a
School holiday meet up (lots of teachers )

We went to baby cafe initially and then some of us joined another local group together and met a few more people an it just went from there and there was always someone not busy who wanted to meet up!
Go out, eat cake it's what mat leave is for

8 weeks is very early still.

Your friends probably think you are still in babymoon and nesting mode and don't want to harass you. Have you spoken to them about going out for lunch, etc? And how did you socialise before - if it was through drinking, cinema, theatre etc then they probably are assuming (rightly) that it's not very baby friendly?

I think London is one of the best places to be with a small baby - so much to do and so accessible as well as so many mums - you don't have to be stuck with a particular group or clique. Local libraries, children's centres, NCT groups, churches, community centres, mum & baby groups. Check noticeboards in cafes and local paper listings. Go on MN local or look on Facebook. It's not sociable but I spent a lot of my last ML at mum n baby screenings and I also loved to go to museums and galleries - especially the obscure ones that you never get round to visiting. There are also buggy fit groups that meet in parks.

Whereabouts in London are you?

HV is health visitor, stay and play is a jumped up name for a baby group.

I put a lot of hope into my NCT equivalent group (I'm not in the UK), and found it really hard to get anything regular going. I was quite envious of everyone else who appeared to have made such great friends through their ante natal classes. I ended up being great friends with one of the Mums because conveniently she lived around the corner from me. I'm also friendly with one or two of the others, but we don't meet that regularly. I started to go to library groups and also drop in centres, baby swim sessions and we now have a regular routine each week which means we do something each day - and I usually have a day spare for meeting up with other friends who are working and I can meet them for lunch or something. After a while you see the same Mums, get chatting etc and usually from there you can extend an invite to coffee or go to a stay and play cafe.

Basically the first few months can be hell as you get to grips with it. A lot of people who have kids, know what it is like and so leave you alone. You are right, start creating a social calendar for yourself and your social circle should expand pretty quick.

I feel the same, I has my last 2 DC's 15 years ago and then a DC3 5 months ago and feel quite isolated. I'm currently loving the Easter holidays as the older 2 are around in the day. This is one reason why I am now returning to work 8 months into my supposed 12 months maternity leave

I am reasonably sociable but take a long time to get to know people and make friends - who I choose very carefully. I used baby groups as just a means of getting out and enjoying general human interaction rather than with the specific objective of getting 'mum friends'. I think this is a good place to start - others may disagree.

I agree with others. You need to not rely on your existing friends or your London friends with kids. You need to get super local.

Look at this as a chance to get out and meet lots of new people. Some of them may become friends. Others may just be the 'colleagues' of your maternity leave, but they are mostly in the same boat as you. London is big and few people have tons of local family or old friends to fall back on, so everyone wants to meet people.

Get a big sheet of paper and write down the days of the week. Then look online at places like netmums, your library, local nct pages, etc and see what is on. Write it all down with the times. Some can be free (rhyme time at the library), some very cheap (toddler groups are often £1-2) and some more expensive if you have the money (buggy exercise class, singing classes, etc) Then you can just pick some stuff and go to it. Over time, you will hopefully meet people you want to meet up with on a more one-to-one basis.

Do you want to share where in London you are in case anyone can help?

Go to mum and baby groups- they are really for the mums. I met some of my best friends through Surestart.

HV = health visitor. Some clinics run a new mum group, or baby massage courses, or first aid etc, but they will also know what is on locally.

Penguin I am in North London Swiss Cottage, Camden, Hampstead. Next time my LO gets to sleep will get on with Internet and do loads of research on local kids activities! Which looks like are primarily for mums! It has been very helpful to chat to you all ! And I am glad to know that I am not the only one who feels that way. I did feel a bit jealous as many people seem to make friends for life through NCT.

Sorry, not my area. But maybe someone will be along with ideas.

Yes, the groups are primarily for mums. Do you really think a six month old gets masses more out of singing nursery rhymes in a circle at the library as opposed to at home? Nope. But the mother gets to leave the house, interact with people, and if she's lucky go for a coffee afterwards

With regards to your friend who lives across Ldn, I used to live near Windsor and my good friend who had a baby a couple of weeks before me lived in West London. We both bought memberships for Kew and went once a week or once a fortnight. We had sturdy pushchairs and the kids would have their sleeps in them while we walked and walked. There was plenty for them and us to do no matter what the season, and the coffee was excellent!

Maybe a once a month date with your friend could be doable. I also joined a sure start group.

I didn't have an NCT group and like I say above didn't really start going out until after my little one was older than 8 weeks. But I slowly made relationships with people and now (three years later), I have a great group of friends that I continue to see at least twice a month. Not besties with all of them (some of them definitely!) but it's lovely knowing lots of people locally.

Kiwi that is a good idea, my sleepdeprived brain did not even think about that! Penguin I can see why! Why nobody warns you about what comes after you had the baby :) and if someone will tell me oh life must be so easy on maternity leave I will throw smth into them, honestly !

I felt very much the same in the early days with DC1 - she was prem so I didn't even get to do NCT and I felt that everyone locally with a baby the same age had made friends already!

Find local groups - the best ones for people being super friendly I found were ones aimed at the under-1s - so church groups, surestart groups, baby sensory, baby massage, baby music etc - I found that the toddler groups at that age had a lot of people who knew each other already and were a bit harder to start talking to people. My local NCT also ran tea groups as well, so I made myself go along to some of those as well.

I also tried to see one of my old friends (usually with children) once a week somewhere mutually convenient. If I didn't have much on I'd try to spread it over the week so I didn't feel too isolated.

Get going to some groups and you'll soon start seeing people you know on your local high street when you're nipping to the shops, I really got to know a good friend when we both went to go to a group but it was shut and she invited me for a coffee at hers instead. It only takes a couple of those and you'll get to know people locally.

My NCT group took a little while to get it together after we all had our babies. I don't know if some may have had their babies after you, so may only be 4-6 weeks old. Also, in my group, one or two had babies with feeding issues like reflux who would cry constantly and one who fed every hour and a half and made it really tricky for her to get out of the house! Every time we arranged to meet some people dropped out at the last minute and almost everyone arrived a minimum of half an hour late. Give them time to sort themselves out a bit and you may find the group comes together again. Mine did and 10 months on we're all really close.