social services nightmare...

[cornflakey]

hi
im 34 weeks pregnant. At my booking in appointment my midwife suggested we fill in a CAF (common assessment framework) form so that I could get some extra help surrounding my mental health problems and related blackouts and being a parent.

When the CAF was completed it was very negative and focused on all the things I can't do and the worst case scenario for everything. Fact is I have been stable for the last 2-3 years and its just a case of keeping it that way throughout pregnancy and birth.

My husband and I are in a loving relationship and we have just moved into a 2 bedroom house, which we are trying our best to get ready in time for baby. Its hard because he works full time and I can't do much lifting or painting or anything really with being pregnant.

My pregnancy has gone really well and I have managed to remain stable throughout it, which considering hormones is pretty impressive.... that is until the last few weeks.

Out of the blue we had a social worker ring us up and is now conducting a full blown social services pre birth assessment on us. I am worn down by it, it is completely destablising me and making my situation worse. My husband and I just cant function anymore properly as we are just so focused on trying to keep the house tidy and this assessment. It has taken the fun out of preparing for baby because everything we do is in relation to what will the social worker say.

The first part of the assessment was really intrusive and focused on my mental health problems and the impact this could have on me being a parent.. how am i meant to know, its my first time? She was asking all sorts of crap and was particularly difficult and wouldnt take no for an answer when it came to the reasons why I am having a C section. its particularly personal and I just dont want to discuss it further than i have had too already.

I have been particularly upset about how we have been forced to have these assesments separaretly because I rely on my husband to keep me calm and support me. He isn't able to do that and I think its particularly unfair and not helpful to get an accurate picture of who I am.

This week she wants to see where Baby will be sleeping but we havent quite finished it yet and I'm just panicing about the state of the house. She also wants to discuss my family situation and I just cant do that. Ironically if I discuss it with her it will make her assume it will have an impact on my ability to parent (which it doesn't) and if I dont it will have the equal effect. I'm not talking anything particularly serious, but my parents divorced when I was quite young and I don't have a really good relationship with either parent. I have really strong support from other sources and I really don't see the relevance in discussing my past because thats the exact source of my mental health problems, which are being dealt with separetly and have no impact on my current day to day life.

I'm scared that if I don't co operate then they will see this as an issue and things will start to get really serious. I only started this process to get some support but all im getting is judgement. I just don't know what to do for the best because I really dont want to have baby taken from me or being forced to accept "support" that I really don't need. Ultimately we have thought long and hard about the potential problems ourselves and put things in place already. which we have told the social worker and she doesnt seem to have listened.

im scared..

I would cooperate.

They will withdraw if they see you are coping.

If you don't engage with them they will worry that you are not coping.

They have your baby's best interests at heart.

Try to keep calm and think of it as just a hoop you've got to jump through. It sounds like you're pretty confident in yourself an know your own weaknesses, just try to take it all one step at a time and don't let the panic or worry set in.

I hope it calms down and that you get the support you really need x

Really sorry to hear this has been thrust upon you, it's the last thing you need! All I can say from my past experience is that it does get better. You just have to co operate with them..
I was kept in hospital for ten days after my section because the ss didn't know what to do with me and my newborn, horrible time in my life (when I should ofld of been ecstatic with new baby)
I had to deal with professionals in my home nearly every day for weeks after!
It does get better! I've not seen a social worker for two years now.. Ds is 4 in May
xx

Don't withdraw cooperation, they will see that as a red flag.

It's really common for them to want to see where Baby sleeps, when we had our assessment for something a bit different (and I thought completely unrelated to day to day welfare, it was a risk assessment) they still wanted to see where DD was sleeping and where DS would sleep. DD's new bedroom wasn't finished yet, and the social worker was fine with that, she could see that it was going to be a nice safe room for her to sleep in. she was also pleased to see the crib in our bedroom set up for DS.

Is there a support worker you can have with you when they come, you may be able to contact someone through a charity related to your particular MH issues? They should let you have someone with you, even if that person isn't your DH.

If you can, you need to try and distance yourself from the intrusion. So answer as factually as possible, and don't let emotion get involved if you can possibly help it. I think it's ok to say that you have a poor relationship with your parents, but that you will not be relying on them for support. Just say that you choose not to see them regularly. Many many people live a long way away from their parents, and certainly mine were not able to be any help with the children. I think that is the case for a lot of people. With a bit of luck, they will just want you to go to the HV/baby clinic regularly so they can keep an eye on how you're coping.

It is unpleasant. I got pretty upset and scared about it too, and the best thing I can say about it is that when it was over, it was over. We had a badly written report about the kids, which we chucked in a filing cabinet and have never thought about since. Well actually we took it out the other day to laugh at the spelling.