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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Keeping it secret

21 replies

SassehMonsta · 07/04/2014 05:05

Argh! I'm going potty as we've just found out I'm pregnant, around 4-5 seeks at the moment, but agreed not to tell anyone before we have confirmed with the doctor etc.

The day i got the positive (Sat . morning) I didn't the whole day in London with my mother and my mother in law popped over to see my husband. Super tricky not to just burst out and say anything - how do people manage for 12 weeks?? We will be telling the mother in law this week as I'll want her sorry no matter what, and particularly if I miscarry.

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Original poster

SassehMonsta · 07/04/2014 05:08

Doh - autocorrect! 4-5 weeks, I spent the day in London, and want her support!

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iloveshortshorts · 07/04/2014 05:31

Congratulations! and dont worry too much I told my sister straight away but waited till about 14 weeks to tell rest of family.

Roseandmabelshouse · 07/04/2014 08:17

Haha I managed 20 weeks! Once you get used to keeping it a secret it becomes quite nice.

Noodledoodledoo · 07/04/2014 08:29

The only place I struggled with the secret was at work when trying to get time off for appointments - I am never off sick and very rarely have any appointments during the working day so was a bit of a challenge!

I ended up having half an hour conversation with my sister about getting myself checked for fertility issues when I was 6 weeks!!

januaryJump · 07/04/2014 08:42

Although it sounds a little negative, like you said in your post there might be people you would want to know if something were to happen and to have their support. I always took the view that I would tell those people from the beginning, so my parents mainly, and also my boss. With the latter I have the benefit of understanding any first tri problems, appointments to attend, but if something were to happen I wouldn't have to go through any, "I didn't realise you were pregnant..." moments. But I have a very good relationship with my boss, I understand that sadly some people have managers that may not take the news positively or may treat them badly because of it, even though they shouldn't.

DH tends to tell more people. He gets all excited and wants everyone to know, which is sweet but I do ask him to try and be careful so that it's not common knowledge. He tends to tell a few close friends, people who would be very discreet and not spread the word and also who would be supportive and understanding were anything to happen. I don't mind that, as long as it's just them and not everyone we know!

rubyinthedust · 07/04/2014 08:55

You can tell anyone you want, any time you want - we told close family quite early on as we knew we'd want their support if something went wrong, and we also knew that if something did go wrong we wouldn't want to have to hide it from them! Also told my boss and colleagues at 7 weeks as I was feeling rubbish and didn't want them to think I was slacking. Now I'm nearly 12 weeks and I had a good scan two days ago - decided to tell a bunch of friends then!

Whereas some people prefer not to tell anyone until 12 weeks or even later, and that's fine too - just do what's right for yourself!

mrsnec · 07/04/2014 09:08

The first time we told a lot of people because we wanted support if it went wrong. It did and to be honest we didn't get support from anyone, some family members even said it was our fault for letting it slip so early, this time we had to tell a select few as I have been so sick I couldn't hide it and had to back out of a few social occasions and I hate lying. Not had a scan yet will tell a few more all being well but I don't think I will make a big announcement I agree to do what's best for you.

notaflamingclue · 07/04/2014 09:09

I told absolutely everybody straightaway with DC1. Now I'm pg with DC2 and just turned 41 - I'm waiting until after my NIFTY test to tell everyone except my sis and one friend who's also pg.

Original poster

SassehMonsta · 07/04/2014 09:31

What's a NIFTY test flaming? Called this morning to book appointments and its standard in our area not to see a Dr straight away unless there have been previous mcs, so my first mw appointment is 12th May - which is only 5 weeks, but feels like forever!! I will actually be seeing a Dr today though, as I have a mild lung condition but can tell I have a chest infection. Get to start filling out my green antenatal forms! :D

Husband said we can't tell anyone till then, so blergh. I might explode (and told him so!) before then, but I have been naughty and told someone already, a lady who has been through both the good and the bad with pregnancies (and now has 1yr old twins - hurrah!) and I needed someone to talk to!

mrsnec, thats awful - luckily I know his family will be super-supportive, as his cousin had an mc a couple of years back after letting people know, and we saw how family rallied round etc (she also now has a 1 yr old!)

Nausea won't go away. Pah! I hate ginger so have opted to try chewing some peppermint gum and wearing travel sickness bands, as I am now getting travelsick when I drive (only ever had it as a passenger before!)

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3DcAndMe · 07/04/2014 09:33

I hid dc2 from some relatives until 8 months, and dc3 to work colleagues til 6.5 months

ChicaMomma · 07/04/2014 09:58

I told my mother after the 8 week scan. Also my husbands parents too.
Told a good few of my friends at 9 weeks at one of the girls' hen parties.

WOuld do the same thing next time- you'd be telling all of these people if you had a miscarriage anyway so would need their support.

Oh- my best friend knew at 5 weeks- just because we were out and i wouldnt drink, it was just easier to tell her!!!

the secrecy is counter productive IMO- also, people are brilliant at keeping the secret- it's just not gossip that people spread. Nobody said a word to anyone until i went public.

Sweetpea86 · 07/04/2014 10:21

I was all for keeping it quite until first scan lol. By 10 weeks every body new.

I just got to excited now 38 weeks waiting for labour with the same type of excitement lol

Sweetpea86 · 07/04/2014 10:22

Oh I also meant to say CONGRATULATIONS

moggle · 07/04/2014 11:09

Congrats!! I found the first couple of weeks the worst cos I was so excited and desperate to tell. Once you start getting your head around it and aren't thinking about it 100% of your waking hours, just 90%, it's a little easier not to. We are 8 wks and have just told my parents out of family and friends. I love telling random people though like my Pilates teacher and the lady on the fish counter at waitrose!

hubbahubster · 07/04/2014 11:14

I loved keeping it secret :) although generally I am rubbish at such things, it was so nice having something only DH and I knew about.

I told my family and best friend previously at 9 weeks, only to miscarry. The un-telling was so hard, I never wanted to do that again, so saying nothing until after the 12 week scan was the right decision for us.

I will never understand people who put their scans on FB… I'm happy for them and everything but that's just too personal IMO.

EthelredOnAGoodDay · 07/04/2014 11:14

We didn't tell anyone til after the 12 week scan either time, although I had an MMC in between and ended up telling close family and friends and work about that anyway, so don't really know why we hung on really. I guess we probably thought the less people who know, the less chance there is for it to get spread around to loads of people.

Wafflenose · 07/04/2014 11:19

I managed 20 weeks, too!

Original poster

SassehMonsta · 07/04/2014 12:00

Hurrah for lasting more weeks! I think we will probably end up telling the in laws before the midwife appointment, as MIL is always over & staying over & DH really wanted to tell her at the weekend. Plus, she teaches a dance class i attend and while we're currently of four water she will wonder why I haven't returned! (Not meant to take part if under 8-12 weeks pregnant, plus I'd need to let her know I wouldn't be able to do certain moves. Luckily she is trained for pre and post natal dance!)

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Plateofcrumbs · 07/04/2014 12:35

In addition to what other people have already said, I think when you tell people early there's a certain amount of added pressure. I was very cautious about not getting too emotionally invested in the pregnancy until after the first scan, but I think that is hard to explain that to other people who simply want to be excited for you.

We told a few people (close family) at 9 weeks after an early scan, then went on to have a bit of a scare at 12 weeks and I hated having to manage their expectations that things might not work out (especially as that would have involved choosing to have a termination for abnormalities, which I don't know if all family members would have supported). I just found I was spending more emotionally energy explaining things to them and worrying about how they were feeling, rather than using them for support.

So if I went through this all again I would be much more likely to hold off telling people to after all results from the 12 week scan.

Boogles91 · 07/04/2014 13:16

Congratulations :) hope all goes well for you both. Well, we wasnt going to tell anybody as our 1st resulted in mc, so this time we wanted to wait. But that didnt happen, the day i found out i forgot to pick my sick note up from the doc as i was seeing her that morning. Little did i know she would write pregnancy onit aswel, and when my dad collected it for me she gave me one for 3 months and so my parents just kinda found out that way lol but we would have managed well i think had we got to do things our way hahar x

MorganLeFey · 07/04/2014 14:19

I managed to keep schtum to everyone except DH & a few work colleagues (was pretty unwell & needed time off/was concerned I wasn't pulling my weight) till 12 week scan (although we'd had an early scan where everything looked good) - then we told immediate family/close friends, then let it slowly filter out more & acquaintances/casual mentions once I was showing at about 6 months? First Facebook reference was a Birth Announcement!

Reasons:

Pessimistic that it would result in a baby as so many early pregnancies don't - although there's the argument you'd want support from people I thought that actually for an early loss I'd probably prefer to just get back onto TTC again without having to explain/everyone knowing/being sympathetic/wondering/pressure.

It was actually quite nice to have a secret just us two & we knew we would tell people eventually but you can't 'untell' them.

& actually (perhaps excluding immediate family) other people probably don't care that much - it's the parents that it's The Most Lifechanging Thing Ever For - the idea of an extra 8 weeks or so of 'public pregnancy'/opinions hyping it into some big thing just seemed a bit unnecessary.

We didn't tell people we were TTC though & don't plan to when TTC#2 either - just don't want the added pressure. If lucky enough for #2 then would like to keep schtum until 17-20/40 and we know the sex to prepare PFB & a fait accompli to pre-empt any ponderings from people we tell!

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