Pregnant student nurse. Help please.

[studentnurse16]

Hi,

I'm 26 and a student nurse at the beginning of my 2nd year at uni. My partner (27) and I have been together for 4 years and we bought our own flat last Summer. He currently works as a teaching assistant and gets poorly paid but wants to complete his teacher training after I qualify and get a job. He works more than full time to help make ends meet as it is and his role is continuously growing, as are his stress levels. We had planned to have children after I qualified and do the usual - buy a bigger house, have more money and time to spend with a child.

I found out a couple of days ago that I'm pregnant. I think it's early, about 4/5 weeks. It was completely unplanned and has obviously came as quite a shock. I know that financially doing this would be difficult with my student bursary and his small wage. Our flat is on the 2nd floor, has 1 bedroom and a converted loft space. We also have 3 cats. I'd have to take time out of my course and pick it back up later on. My partner would have to further postpone his teacher training and perhaps look for a job that pays better. We get no benefits at the moment and may not be able to claim any given that I'm a student.

When I told my partner he was very supportive but now he's extremely stressed about the above reasons. He didn't have the best upbringing so he wants things to be as perfect as possible, which of course I do too. I'm stuck between terminating this pregnancy so that we can continue the plan we had but living with the guilt of it forever, or keeping it, dealing with the difficulties and risk having a partner who resents me for having sacrificed the life we had planned. I've always thought I was open to abortion but now that I have to think about it I don't know what to do. The guilt would ruin me and researching it is petrifying.

He understands my position and says he will go ahead with it for me. He says he'll get used to it, get a better paid job and pick up his teaching when the child's much older so as not to miss them growing up. He wants to sell the flat and try to get something else but with the market as it stands and our financial position, that doesn't seem a realistic option. He also says if we go ahead we'd have to give away the cats which would break my heart (as silly as that sounds to some, they're like family). He's already sacrificed a lot for me by supporting me through my career choice so I feel very guilty hearing him say he'll just do it because he knows I would find it heart-wrenching to abort. He has strong views on abortion up to 8 weeks but thinks it's wrong past that point. We've discussed this a lot and he says that if we went ahead, he would be absolutely devoted to the baby and would love me just the same as he does now, exactly the same as if this had happened in a few years. He would be unhappy with his work life and upset that he couldn't pursue teaching for even longer. He's such a good person...I feel awful hearing him say this. I know we could terminate this pregnancy now and try again in a few years when we're ready and wouldn't have to even contemplate all of this. There's no telling the effect either option would have on our lives and our future. I would love for things to be perfectly mapped out but I understand that's so seldom the case realistically.

Please, can anyone offer some advice, support or a voice of experience? I feel so lost and don't know what to do for the best. I love my partner endlessly and would hate to have something cause issues between us. There are so many things to think about. My head is in knots.

Thanks in advance.

I'm a student nurse in the middle of year 2 and I'm 9 weeks :) we will manage :)

also you can claim benefits when you're a student if you have dependant children. so your partner may be able to continue working as a ta. you can't claim housing benefit but he will be able to, but your bursary will be taken into account. You will be able to claim tax credits and your bursary and any loans won't count with this, you don't even declare it. You will be allowed up to a year off on maternity leave from uni with your bursary paid and when you have your child you can get more money from your bursary in dependants allowance and child care allowance.
If you took a year off at the start of your 3rd year or around November if you're due in december (assuming you are a Feb cohort) then you could return for y3 and then finish your course when your child is about 1, and the help with child care should help you complete the course. then you could get a job and your partner could start his course :) you'd be low on money but it wouldn't be awful :)

oops typo finish when your child is about 2!

Hiya I'm a graduate medical student in a similar position - found out I'm pregnant in the middle of first year, baby boy due in July so am taking a year out next year. I was in a huge panic to start with as it just didn't seem feasible at all. We're in a slightly better position than you in terms of DP's job at Least being permanent and what he wants to do long-term, but not hugely as it isn't particularly well-paid! Useful things I've been told that have helped:
As Alita's said, if you are fully or partially funded by NHS bursary, you're entitled to receive funding during maternity leave - suggest you speak directly to them as my uni had no clue what this would amount to. www.nhsbsa.nhs.uk/1667.aspx some info there but also other places.
There is a childcare allowance - means-tested but we've been told we should qualify so you almost certainly will. It's capped but makes a massive difference. www.nhsbsa.nhs.uk/Documents/Students/Help_with_Childcare_Costs_for_NHS_Students_2013.14_%28V2%29_09.2013.pdf

Otherwise, once you're finished your course and working could your DP start his PGCE part time and still work part time? It will take longer but at least he'll feel he's getting on with pursuing it. Also bear in mind that if on the other hand he did it full time he would probably be eligible for student childcare support etc.

The other thing I'm planning on doing after a couple of months in year out is looking for work as a bank HCA in the local hospitals. It'll bring in a bit of money but a zero-hours contract should ensure it can be fitted in around DP's work, so he can look after the baby and we won't be taking on extra childcare costs. Could you potentially do something similar? I know for us if I even manage to do a shift or two a week it'll make a big difference. Just an idea!

Only other thing to bear in mind is if you do decide to continue with the pregnancy you should tell uni soon, so you can get risk assessed for clinical placements etc, but shouldn't make a massive difference.

If you could see a way to making sure your DP's PGCE didn't have to be put off too long, do you think that would set your worries to rest? If so, think you should concentrate on working out whether that is feasible. This is a really long-term decision - what eventually swayed it for me was thinking that if I look back in 20 years time, would I regret not having qualified a year sooner, and had an easier time with more disposable income, or would I regret not having had a baby we both wanted, just weren't quite expecting right now.
Good luck and really hope it works out for you :).

(Sorry that was an absolute essay!)

st mw here are 2 of the girls in my cohort are pg .

talk to uni, they will have seen it all before and can advise you on how you can continue your course with the baby. talk a little time to find out about all your options and the possibilities before you decide pg whether or not to continue with the pregnancy.

It is considered pretty normal really, student nursing or midwifery is seen more like a job with the possibility of taking maternity. nobody expects a bunch of mature students to put their lives on hold for 3 years. We got told that at least on of us would be pregnant at some point in the course so it clearly happens a lot . We were also told we'd all get fat .

financially will be tough but manageable. use the online calculator to have a look at what you could get. The fb group for nhs bursary is really helpful if you post there or pm them they can give you more detail.

Remember that under UKCC regulations you need to complete the three years of nurse training within a five year period. You need to liaise with your school of nursing to manage your remaining time effectively. Contracts of learning can substitute for some class time as long as you demonstrate adequate like for like substitution and it may be that placements can be adapted to suit pregnancy stage.

Oh and for benefits you should get child tax credits, you get that even as a student. and there is the sure start maternity grant of £500 to buy stuff for baby which you won't get right away add you are not on benefits but you have 3 months after birth to claim so what you do is (and I have done this as I was a student when we had our first) you register baby quickly and apply for child benefit. as soon as you have your child benefit number you apply for tax credits. Have all forms filled in and send as soon as the number comes through. As soon as you get the confirmation of child tax credits, which given your finances will be at above the basic rate, you qualify for the grant and can send the form off which you can get your mw to sign.

You may also get healthy start vouchers which used to be called milk tokens and can be used for formula milk, fresh milk and fresh fruit and veg. They used to more than cover my weekly veg shop .

Sorry can't help with the student midwife stuff bit can for your dh. Just that there are other routes into teaching such as school direct some of which offer salaried routes. The pay isn't great as is unqualified teacher but comparable to ta and he would be doing the job he loves!

has your partner considered the work based training rather than a pgce? It is salaried.

I know it is hard. my dh got his job because at the time he just had to get any job he could as soon as he graduated as we had a baby to support. I can't wait to be working myself to give him the chance to reach his dreams too. You and your partner are young, a couple of years here and there is not the end of the world. If he has to wait an extra year before doing his pgce then how much does it really matter?

While of course he has perfect right to his own feelings on the matter, pregnancy is a consequence of sex that can occur no matter how careful you are and you have to be prepared to accept that when you take part.

When you tell the Uni they will need to do a risk assessment for Uni and any placements so you and your baby are not at risk.

As said, you will actually get a lot more financial help as a low paid worker and student with a family.

...and concerning a completely different part of your predicament, why on earth would you need to get rid of your cats? We have a dog and a cat and never thought about ditching either of them. Cats are quite cheap to run so financially I can't see they'd be much of a burden, and so long as they don't sleep overnight in the same room as baby.

It sounds as if you're very bright and focused people, you can make this work :)

Thank you all for your replies. They have all helped me a lot.
Best of luck to alita7 and sammyad - I hope everything works out well for you both.

My partner maintains the stance that we aren't ready and has completely turned off. He said he doesn't want to talk about it at the moment but time is ticking. I understand he needs time/space to think which I'm really trying to give him. He is working at a supermarket over the Easter holidays to earn extra money and working nights so I won't get to speak to him for days. I don't think I can cope for that length of time. I can see how scared he is - I am too. I'm scared of hating myself for the rest of my life but also scared that going ahead will create a huge amount of resentment that he'll never get over. I trust that he'll support me with whatever we decide but I can see it taking some time. I could potentially be 5 weeks now and the longer he takes, the closer it gets to a point where I would be absolutely against termination.

He desperately wants to teach art and has done for years. He started applying for his PGCE several times a few years ago but never bit the bullet and now clearly regrets that. He has a 3rd class degree (which in no way reflects his intelligence/talent). I'm sure Mr Gove will shake his head at it entirely in the near future. My Mother has offered to help fund him doing a HLTA course but he still says no. It's like he has his fingers in his ears! He was promised when he took on his current role that the school would put him through his teacher training because they were so impressed with him but the funding has since dramatically declined. His idea is to return to the supermarket where he worked during his teen years and work his way up. The money isn't great but at least he can get somewhere...according to him. I don't agree. He says if we went ahead with the pregnancy he would choose to put off his training until the child was 11 because he wouldn't want to be absent from their upbringing in the way that teacher training would require. His family life was extremely complicated so I think this is why he wants things to be as close to perfect as possible.

Regarding the cats. I don't understand his logic with this either! Our flat is not the smallest in the world and gives us more than enough space. He is more worried about our hyper kitten I think, but as you say it's about being sensible. I wouldn't leave any pet in a room alone with a baby, ever. You can never trust animals 100%, no matter how timid and well behaved they are.

I already have 2 bank HCA jobs - 1 NHS and 1 private. I work as many hours as my course will permit.

I don't feel I can talk to my Dr or uni until I know where my partner stands. My emotions are all over the place. I can't think straight and attending uni today was the biggest challenge - trying to smile along with my friends. Inside I'm just dying.

There is never a good time financially to have a baby so just go for it. You are both young enough for new houses/ jobs in a few years. Lots of good financial advice on here and your mum sounds a generous lady. This is a wanted baby that just decided to come a bit early !