i should be happy...so why do i feel like this?

[divastrop]

hi everyone
i am coming up to week 11 of my 5th pg.i have 4 wonderful children but have not had pleasant experiences of pregnancy in the past,the first 3 times it was due to being in an abusive relationship and last time i was on my own throughout which was hard work with running after a 2 yr old as well.
now i am with a lovely man and we decided to have a baby together,though he loves my other children and is a brilliant dad.
i thought with a supportive,loving partner,i would feel ok this time,yet i feel depressed and anxious and im convinced my partner will leave me as i am possesive and paranoid.he is very understandig but i keep pushing.
i am seeing a councellor and have been to my gp but there isnt much anyone can do.
i feel guilty for feeling this way,i want this baby so much yet im behaving like a monster has moved into my head and taken control.
am i mad or has anyone else ever had these feelings in pregnancy?

Oh you poor thing, try to be happy, I know it's easy for me to say but you must try to relax. Enjoy this pg. Congratulations too. Hormones really don't help at times like these!!!

What you are feeling is perfectly normal considering your past experiences, your hormones are going mental and you scared that having another baby will change everything with your dp. Don't feel guilty, its understandable to feel insecure even when you have no reason to. When i fell pg by accident with my ds i was positively loopy, my boyfriend (now husband) asked me to marry him as a result of my pg but i was so paranoid that he didn't really want to and that i had ruined his life that i almost pushed him away. He eventually pointed out that if he didn't want to be with me and the baby he would have buggered off as soon as i told him i was pg.
keep seeing the counsellor and make sure you talk to your partner so he understands why you are acting as you are, he has probably put it down to hormones anyway.
With your other pregnancies you were probably so focused on surviving that the issue of "happiness" didn't come into it, now you are learning to trust someone else with your happiness and that is scary when you have been abused or learnt to be self sufficient. It is worth it though as trusting and sharing your life with a worthwhile partner is such a rewarding and enrichening experience.
god, hark at me, don't i sound all loved up and wise!

I think pregnancy is a worrying time so you transfer fears onto it iyswim. For me it was worrying about diability/birth injuries in varies guises (because of my past experiences/friends past experiences) for you this. I find with things like this it can be best to accept the feelings, but also recognise. So I think "ok this is how I feel, and I won't change that, but I'm not going to let it overtake me and although I feel really bad about it today but I'll prob feel better tomorrow".

thank you so much!its nice to know there are others out there who have been through similar things.i think my hormones are going loopy as im coming to the end of the 1st trimester.
i was anxious in my last pg but it was all focused on the baby(i refused to buy anything till i was past 29 weeks and felt her move every day).hopefully i will start to feel better over the next few weeks,at least i know there is somewhere i can come to share my feelings

Yes, always.