gender not what i expected on scan-feeling strange

[spinamum]

I realise I deserve to be shouted at(I have asked my ante natal pals to do so)

But I need to share.
I am the lucky mum of a gorgeous almost three yr old boy. I'm 20wks pg.
Up until yesterday, i thought i was having a girl. I'm not. he's a healthy and very cute(say his face)little boy. I am very happy and in love with ds2-to-be.
However i also feel a bit confused,sad,deflated that i'm not having the daughter I imagined. I can't imagine two boys.(I grew up in a mixed family and feel richer for the experience)
I've already started to think about no 3(which dh and I had (jokingly?) disgussed prior to this scan to get a girl if beanie was a boy.

I feel awful. I feel I'm already planning my next one and this poor little thing hasn't even seen the light of day yet. (I have always wanted three kids BTW)
I feel so giuilty beacuse if they had told me beanie was a girl, I would be feeling differant now.
I feel like a totally awful person.

Someone out there please tell me that it is normal andnot the sign of total evilness to have a desire to have a little girl(or little boy )

I am sitting here in floods of tears,so excuse the spelling)

I'm getting used to the idea now, but I stupidly bought some bits and pieces that are a bit girly and I keep finding them and feeling more embarassed at my naivity!
I was using that shettles(Sp?) method to help me to get a girl because my first conception was so easy (ie not exactly planned but very wanted!) I had trouble conceiveing this little bundle so a few people know I wanted a girl. I think that's the bit that bothering me at mo. I REALLY REALLY want this darling boy. I also want a girl but I realise that not might not happen. That is what Ive been dealing with. The lack of girl EVER not the lack of girl in my womb currently.

Thank you all for your honesty. I've felt the only correct answer to "what do you want?" pre scan is "Oh it dosn't matter,as long as s/he's healthy" Which,of course is true, but hey I really wanted to say "as long as s/he's healthy, I would love a little girl as I expect it's a differant experience than parenting a boy and I can't imagine what it's like not to have a sister/brother combo in my children".

At the end of the day, there are bigger stresses I've been saved from in pregnancy.So I'm going to start being grateful for that.

What I didn't explain is the fact that because others I was trying for a girl, I can see myself overdoing the "I'm really happy he's a little boy".

I also have a "thing" that if I'm going to have boys why did I faff about trying to have a girl and rob my son of his brother for a year! Not knowing of course if DS22B would have come any earlier. The method I was using to conceive did avoid my fertile times so chances are....

Having said that I've only got one in nappies at Xmas!

Spinamum,stop faffing and get on with it,girl!

LOL

With my DD1 I was 90% convinced she was a girl when we had the scan and it was confirmed I was elated, I have always been a girlie girl and wanted a daughter desperately. When I was pregnant with DD2 I had all the same feelings and cravings so was convinced I was having another girls which I was I am delighted to have two girls 18 months apart but there was still a littel apart of me grieving in a way for a DS. We have always wanted 3 kids as well and 2 girls and a boy would be my ideal family.

We are going to ttc for no 3 next year and I do worry if we get told it's not a DS this in part is to do with other peoples reactions especially family and friends as if you are only allowed 3 children if you have the misfortune to have 2 of the same sex and not the regulation one boy one girl (wtf?).

I feel I can't win as if it's a girl people will be disappointed and say oh well but if it's a boy it will be like "well thats you got your boy now you can stop" does that make any sense. I know DP wants a boy more than I do, I would be happy with 3 girls I really would, I think I will be a bit disappointed at not having another girl and disappointed at not having a boy. Crazy isn't it? I will find out the sex as I'm sure by the time I look at those newborn eyes and chubby cheeks I will be madly in love with it no matter what and just be thankful I've been blessed with another baby.

I think no matter what you are given you still think "what if" and it's part of human nature.

I remember being disappointed when DS2 was a boy. We hadnt asked to find out at the scan but we had on my first pregnancy and had been told it was a girl so we had bought dresses and pink stuff etc. The scan was wrong and I had a boy - I was a bit sad not to meet the daughter I had been day dreaming about but my little man more than made up for it. With DS2 though, I wanted to use all the girly stuff that I had kept and again never got the chance. I wasnt disapointed for long though. He had the cutest little face and I knew how good it would be for DS1 to have a brother. And I was right. Having two boys is fab.

I still have all the girly clothes and stuff but dont plan on anymore children, so it may be time to give them away.

Funny how people feel differently, isn't it? I had a son first and then well remember going for my scan when pg with No. 2 and being told he was also a boy. I was absolutely over the moon. I couldn't wpie the smile off my face for hours afterwards! I didn't really care whether I had a girl or not. My 2 oldest boys are incredibly close - like twins with each other as they are never apart and miss the other when one is at a party or a friend's house. It is hard to imagine a boy and a girl could be as close as they are. They even wee together!

There was time enough for a girl when I had baby No 3 and she is a delight I would not want to be without, but equally, I would not swap my experience of having 2 boys together. Baby No4 was a boy too, and only yesterday my dd was lamenting the fact that she has no sister so i know in an ideal world, I would have had 2 boys followed by 2 girls, but we have to accept what we are given. (Anyway, I adore ds3 too!)

A "friend"(has a little baby girl) was chatting to me on Friday(day after scan when I was still a bit wobbly) I'm not close enough to her to explain my inner most thoughts but were just chatting ananely(sp?) and she said "I guess you'll be trying for a third obviously(WTF?) now to try and get a girl! (Since I've obviously failed to get a girl)

OK, I would like a girl, but my darling DS22B is not a failure.

OHHHH some people!You're not supposed to say stuff like that to people even if they have started threads on the subject are you?
But I did feel that sense of wanting to kill anyone who harmed my boy either verblly or physically. It's a lovely feeling to connect with my offspring!!!!

spinamum I could have written what you have. I have 2 gorgeous ds. With ds2 I was so sure he was a girl. Different pregnancy. All the old wives tales/gender charts etc pointed towards a girl. I bought a couple of dresses and we talked about names. Infact we always had a girls name and it never really crossed my mind I would not have a mixed family. I have a brother as did most of my school friends and it seemed normal to me. Anyway scan said boy and I confess there were tears. Like you I hated myself and like you it was not disappointment at the boy I was carrying but grief for the daughter I may never have. By the time he was born though I can honestly say I would have been disappointed if a girl had popped out as I had really bonded with my little boy.

My boys are wonderful and I would not swap them. However we are now ttc number 3. DH wants 4 so we would have had another anyway but of course I am hoping for a girl. If its a boy the same will stand he will be loved but I will still long for a daughter. I don't think it is something that will ever go away TBH unless obviously I have a girl.

I am pleased this post has been supportive. All too often posts such as this and gender result in accusations of selfishness which I think is so unfair. Noone chooses to feel this way.

Thanks muppety. Yeah I agree everyone on this thread have been very nice to me. I was expecting to be shouted at. I wish I didn't feel this way but as you said it's not by choice!

I'm also aware that I may be seen as building the concept of a daughter up to expectations higher than any poor kid could cope with.

But then all my kids are going to be do something marvelous like cure cancer(if my Phd brother dosen't get there first!)

Good luck with the girl making!

hey, spinamum, I think it's perfectly normal to feel like this. As you know, I'm in the same boat exactly - ds1 nearly 3, now expecting another boy with no thoughts of any more after that. I cried all night the day of my scan and was down for several days after that. It sent me into a tailspin really because I'm never going to get the chance to mother a girl. And yes, I love my ds to bits too, I don't feel that wanting to try the 'other side' means that I love him less (although I felt v.guilty that the bean would find out I wanted him to be a girl!).So eventually I did what I did when I wanted ds1 to be a girl and he wasn't - I bought a blue fluffy jumper, planned his nursery colours and I also made a list of all the things I could do with 2 boys that would be fun, taking them to diggerland, that kind of thing. There's nothing wrong with having bought girly things, and you're absolutely right to feel disappointed, doesn't mean that you do or will love your boys any less. My dp made me feel a bit rubbish about it, but I figured I had to get over my disappointment in my own way so I have that little jumper hanging on a door and I look at it every day and I'm getting used to the idea! I'm sure you'll get used to it too, given time and forget you ever felt this way. Have you chosen a name yet?

I think it's natural to want a balance in the family - but take it from me, two DSs are a load of fun! Your kids never turn out how you expect them to, anyway, it's all a rollercoaster from day1, so girl or boy - I doubt if it would make much difference in the long run! And boys are so loving. have fun.

Congrats!!
2 boys is ace, they will have such a laugh and do lots of 'boy' things and you might even end up like me, 2 already and wanting a 3rd cos you feel like such a 'boy' mum. I didn't think I'd ever be a 'boy' kind of mum and really really wanted a girl first time round. So funny to look back on, I don't recognise myself at all. If you stop at 2 you will always be Queen bee in your house!

Thanks.
AqQueen, I didn't want to harp on about this on our thread. Peeps have other things to worry about. I remember your post from the week or two before my scan and I think it made me think"Am I prepared for this?" I still went in pretending to be not bothered, but secretly if they'd said girl I'd have felt delighted! I did exactly what you have suggested. I've bought some things for DS22B and we've thought about some names. I've even got a name I whisper to him in my head to make him more real. It may not remain his name, but the bump nickname was a bit girly(how transparent did I need to be?) I 'm not in shock at carrying a boy anymore and I might have a number three(not necessary to get a girl) but I'm still a bit saddened that I may not be a girl carrier!

With first baby I wanted a boy but got a girl. She was so wonderful that with second baby I wanted another girl; I got one, but she was nothing like first girl and I found that a bit tough but she was her own fascinating person.

I wanted a girl again with 3rd, but this time got a boy - sex not known until delivery in this case - I was disappointed, for a moment, but as soon as he was here he was mine and I loved him anyway.

Had amnio with 4th; had hoped, again, for another girl, but he was a boy - again I was disappointed, for a little while, but had 4 months to get used to the idea and again, loved him to pieces once he was here.

My girls have left home now and I miss talking to them as much as when they lived here, but my boys are brilliant - crap at girly chats, but funny and lovely otherwise. It is perfectly normal to want one or the other but they won't be affected by what you wanted, as long as you accept and love them for who they are once they arrive. (NB I only got what I'd hoped for once, but I have 4 fab kids)

HTH

Spinamum, have read the whole thread, so know you're in a better place with this now, but thought I'd post you my feelings on the subject.

Before I got pg I thought I'd like a girl - you know, in the idle "my children will be" kinda thoughts you have when you have time for idle thoughts (ie before you have babies!) - no strong "I must have a girl or I shall weep forever" sort of way though, just in passing sort of thing.

When I got my first positive, with DS1, I knew he was a boy - and the idea that he might be a girl actually made me feel nauseous (seems weird to say that now - pg hormones, maybe?!) - pink dresses made me feel queasy, the idea that I might have a female baby inside me felt really, really strange (blimey - I'd forgotten this!). It didn't even occur to me that he could be anything other than a boy.

I didn't "find out" what he was at the scan, because he was a boy - I knew that. I was SO certain he'd be a boy that when he was born and I held him for the first time, I looked at his face and my very first thought was "oh, there he is!" - before I found out for sure he was a boy.

When I found out I was pg with DS2, it was a totally different set of circumstances - he was conceived naturally (DS1 was conceived on clomid), I was so sick during my pg, nose was stuffy, I was queasy till nearly 19 weeks, I didn't go off sweet things like I did with DS1 (the word biscuit made me feel sick with him!), I got diabetes, etc, etc. So I wondered whether I was having a girl - and the idea didn't make me feel nauseous like it had done when pg with DS1.

But I didn't want a girl - I had to get used to the idea in case I did have one. My problem with girls is that pretty much until I was in my 20s, I didn't know any nice ones - I went to school with a shower of bitches, I went to university with a pile of shallow vacuous bints (bar a couple) - I don't have very many female friends at all - not from pre-MN anyway. So I knew I'd be more comfortable in a house of boys.

But I didn't have that strong "definitely a boy" feeling I had when pg with DS1, so I wondered.

And when he was born and he was a he, I was very happy. Had he been a she, I'd have loved her utterly, I'm sure - but I wanted another boy.

In fact, my only problem with having boys is naming them...

However, when people say "oh, you'll be trying for a little girl next then?" I want to bite their noses off. If I DO have another baby (and it's doubtful I will), people will assume it's because we want a girl - and make the "oh you got your girl" or "another boy, never mind" comments accordingly. Grr!

I just want to reiterate how nice everyone has been to me on this thread. I was expecting a stern talking to by someone.
I hope it does come across that I love my little man and I can't wait to meet him!
I may be selling some pink baby t-shirts and an Ikea fairy duvet cover(how ahead of myself was I!) on e-bay but I'll prob hang onto them and find myself clearing the loft with my two lovely boys and realising a girl would have tipped my boat too much. I must remember what a banshee I was growing up. Prob don't want to be on the receiving end of that!

love to you all.

This reminds me of when I was little and we had a hamster. His name was Henry - but it wasn't until he dies we discovered 'he' was a female! 'He' had been so cute that, when we got another one, we bought a female - still called it Henry, short for Henrietta - and guess what? 'She' turned out to be a boy!

And the moral of the tale is....

When I first found out I was pregnant, I had an instinct telling me the baby was a girl. But throughout the pregnancy I started to change my mind and thought I was having a boy. Everybody else was telling me I was having a boy (we didn't find out at the scans).
I had a section and the nurse turned around and said "oh, they're just cleaning him up". So I looked at DH and said "that's our little Lewis" But then DH asked the sex because he was a bit confused from what he'd seen (!) and they said "it's a girl".
It did take me ages to get used to it! Because I'd expected a boy, and was even told a boy initially, it did take me a while to come around to her being a girl! Now though (she'll be a year old in Oct), I couldn't imagine her being a boy.

You will "come around" to having two boys. A friend is going through the same thing, she's just found out she's having another girl and is finding it hard to accept because she cant imagine another baby like her daughter and having a son would seperate them iyswim. I think once they're born though it will be different.

As for me, I plan to have just one more child. A fortune teller told me I'd have a boy and girl but didn't know which way around, so I it comes to the birth and out pops a girl, I'll be shocked (I'm easily led once a thought is put in my head) but I'm sure I'll get used to it!

Elf - I know what you mean about it taking time to get used to the surprise. I had 2 boys already and absolutely everyone was convinced that no.3 would be a boy too. Even the midwives doing the induction kept saying "I bet this one's a boy. It's always the boys who give us most trouble." Then out came dd...... After a few weeks of constantly referring to her as "he" out of habit we started making sure she was dressed in pink as a sort of reminder. It didn't help that she looks exactly like my 2 boys did when they were babies.

I'm glad you ran a new thread about this spina, as things tend to get lost in the antenatal group threads! Sounds like you're feeling way better about it - good for you! and don't know about you, but I did end up buying a few pink t-shirts for ds1 anyway, he looks really sweet. I think part of the prob. with boys (which I believe has been ranted about on various mnet threads) is the lack of affordable cute clothes for them compared to girls, even when babies. There's always loads of girly accessories, duvet covers, lovely shoes etc, but boy's stuff is blue, brown or camo if there is anything.