Has anyone clashed with their mum over baby related stuff?

[Heatherbell1978]

I'm 14 wks pregnant with 1st and hubby and I are over the moon. We're both 36 so reasonably mature and think we have everything sorted as far as our life arrangements go. My mum is so excited as it'll be her 1st grandchild but just off the phone with her and although I'm keen for her to help out a lot with the baby, I'm now worried about her 'knowing best' attitude. She'd 'been thinking' that perhaps our flat isn't suitable for a baby (it is) and why don't we buy a house near her or 'even better' move in with her while I'm on mat leave to save some money (lol). She also seems a bit offended that I plan to put the baby in nursery at least a few times a week rather than let her be a full time carer when I go back to work; she thinks I'm mad spending money on nursery but in reality I don't want my mum bringing up my baby and I like the thought of my baby mingling with other kids at nursery. She also scoffed when I told her that any 2nd hand cot she buys needs a new mattress.....I got the whole 'in my day' chat.
Am I needlessly worrying or has anyone else clashed with their mum over their baby? x

I do agree with some of the advice here - ie bite your tongue, nod and smile, pick your battles etc etc but I would also say try to set boundaries as and when you can.

My relationship with my DM has been fractious since I was pregnant and this is mostly because I haven't done things the way she wanted/suggested/assumed. Having a baby hasn't brought us closer, it's pushed us away because its highlighted to me how much she wants to control me - and I just won't have it. Some of this was just a niggle before I had DD but since, well, I can see the wood for the trees a bit more. Which makes me sad but is how it is.

I hope your relationship with your DM is more balanced and I guess the norm is to suppose that "she's just overexcited" but very occasionally I think it runs deeper than that.

Nod, smile, ignore is a good habit I think. My mother tells me that I must have a routine or else the baby will rule my life. Meanwhile, MiL tells me that I mustn't have a routine or else the baby will rule my life.

Give her some jobs to do, like maybe drawing up a shortlist of the best baby books for you (it might help her realise how much safety advice has changed).

If anyone offers to come round and help you after baby is born, make it clear that they're there to help with the house, not with the baby.

Sadly it can run deeper.

My relationship with my mother was always rocky but my first pregnancy and baby really brought things to a crux.

I realised how damaged, controlling and manipulative she was.

The first time I phoned her from the hospital, having dragged myself from bed with a catheter and drip her first words were to have a go at me rather than congratulations.

She undermined the breastfeeding, whined about not getting to hold the baby every second and made it all about her. 'Look I can soothe baby better than you' kind of thing.

My dh sent her home in the end as I was struggling and the relief when she had gone was immense. But I did end up with pnd and I blame the lack of boundaries with my mother. Everything I did was wrong, wrong pram, wrong colour baby clothes, names etc

Second time round I set up firm rules and boundaries but sadly due to other issues our relationship deteriorated beyond repair.

Now pregnant with number 3 and no contact with her. It's been bliss and I'm really looking forward to this baby.

For some it's just mum being a bit over excited and if the relationship is solid, this can be overlooked. But for others this time in your life just highlights what was there all along. A controlling and abusive mother.

Great sugestions id second the give them a choice of this out that if they offer to buy something my mil & her mum both love knitting now knitted cardys on a newborn to me is cute but on a 3yr who hates cardys when they don't even fit properly is something else.

Buffythebarbieslayer, sorry to hear about your issues with your mum but sounds like you've found the right compromise:-) Your post kinds of resonates with me too though; I guess I get on fine with my mum (not so much with my dad) but to put it mildly, I have very different opinion of how I want my child brought up and being pregnant has just brought a lot of things to the surface about my upbringing.

I don't want to let it ruin my excitement though. Lots of great advice! x

buffy summed up what I was trying to say much more succinctly!

OP, I remember posting a similar thread on a different mum website and the responses I got were along the lines of "don't be so mean, this is your mum's first grandchild, don't deny her the excitement". But there was set hung niggling at me that this was far more than your average overexcited first time grandma.

I think you've got a fairly balanced lot of responses on here, but I do think having a baby tilts everything in your world ever so slightly and that can mean make or break for some relationships. 2+ years in and I feel even more confused than ever about the relationship I have with my DM and am determined to not repeat it with my own dd.

Good luck, I hope your mother backs down and remembers she is your mum first and grandmother second.