Family visiting after birth

[MelonLemon]

Hi all,

I'm only 16 weeks pregnant, but this is already causing arguments and stress. My mum wants to stay with us after the birth, my sister is also aching to be there right away. Neither can understand why I don't want them at the hospital (I only want my DH there).

Whenever I mention my mum's insistence on being there, my DH gets upset thinking his parents are being ousted out the picture in favour of my side of the family. This is reinforced by my very vocal nan seeming to think she will drive us to the hospital when I go into labour (my DH doesn't drive) even though we've planned transport. She also always forgets about DH's side of the family, arguing that she's second in line to babysit after my mum. She's very pushy so I can understand why he gets irritated, but I know that this is all coming from a place of excitement and love on their part. I also know we're ultimately in control, no one else, but DH is getting very antsy about it all.

How did you manage who comes to visit first (and possibly telling others they have to wait their turn?) Did your mum or MIL stay with you afterwards and how did you work that out? How can I ensure my side of the family doesn't sideline DH's side!? My MIL and PIL are excited but we're not as close as I am with my parents obviously, so I speak to them about it less and they haven't ever mentioned staying after the birth so I am assuming they don't plan to. It also doesn't help that DH's side of the family always travel in a large group, bringing both his brothers and often extended family with them too which just makes the issue of visiting a lot more hectic!

Argh, don't know what to do. I want to be in control of it but feel other people are already sticking their oar in - had a long text from my mum this morning telling me I would need her and that it's what women do all over the world. Can't get anyone to back off and let us make our own plans! Help! :)

Unless you really want their help you need to be firm straight away and tell them it's not what you want. Women (and men) all over the world manage to care for a newborn without having their mothers/mils to stay.

I have a very good relationship with my mum but I wouldn't want her there for more than a quick visit in the first couple of weeks because I want us to have time to get used to being a family and I wouldn't want dh to feel pushed out. I really hate this desperate need to see the baby first that some new grandparents have. It's not a competition.

We have told everyone that the day the baby is born we don't want any visitors - we want is just to be the 3 of us. I'm having an ELCS which helps as there are set visiting hours, only 1.5hr slot a day, and they only allow 2 visitors at a time so it will be impossible for me to be crowded!! Most of the family have been really understanding about it all and have agreed to wait until I'm home from hospital before visiting me and the baby - so I may have 3-5 days of just me, DH and baby. Sounds lovely

Kitandkat: I said I might want her there when I'm in labour, and I'd like my parents to come when I'm in hospital for a day - how is that 'loads'???

Trinpy and Writer: I quite agree. I'd like us to be left alone for the first fortnight ideally! Neither of us, me in particular, have any experience with babies so we have a lot to learn - but we are eager to do so and would like to do it in peace! I don't like being alone in hospitals though, so I'd like my parents to come and see me when I'm there, but after that, I want family time with DP and our daughter. The other issue is that I'm likely to be exhausted and leaking blood, sweat, milk, tears, and god-knows-what other fluids from every conceivable orifice. I don't mind my parents seeing me like that - they brought me up for heaven's sake so they've definitely seen it before! - but I wouldn't want DP's family near me when I'm feeling vulnerable in that way. I think I should be allowed time to recover before being exposed to people I feel I have to make an effort for, and our baby will still be there in a fortnight's time.

We live 5/10 mins away from my parents, his mum & his dad+wife. I have visions of the 5 of them landing in at once and frequently staying for hours. I really want to say yes come look for half hour then please leave us to it for the 3 days after birth til we get on with breastfeeding/milk coming in. I have already said this repeatedly that the thought of a house full of people is freaking me out but I think its going unheard espesh from MIL. Aaah 20 more wks to sort it out. Also widowed MIL is giving me a lot of negativity about choosing to BF (I think she has this idea of taking MY baby as her own or something)

Mummytobe, ignore your mils breastfeeding comments and I hope it goes well for you. She's had her turn at babies, now it's yours.
Ignore all comments about bonding with baby over feeding and stuff. She can cuddle and hand the baby back. Practice in front of a mirror for feeding, and she will be surprised at how discrete you can be if that's what she's bothered about as well, if she's not had much experience. I had the same from my mil, unfortunately I could only do 6 weeks due to my medical problems. But I think she was shocked that I could feed and talk and wasn't sitting there exposing myself.

Feel like booking myself into a secret location once labour starts! Just think people should know better and give you space/time to get used to it all for a few days, espesh peop who have had kids knowing day3 is a rough one from milk coming in :s

yellow and lemon we are being very strict this time and DH is very supportive

writer what you describe sounds perfect! I read a link on a thread here the other day about indigenous cultures sheltering the new mum and baby from visitors and the outside world in general for up to the first 6 weeks in order to recover. It's a shame that has been lost in westernized culture and that everyone seems to expect a brand new baby viewing immediately (especially when most have had their own babies already!).

mummy hope you manage to work things out ok.

We have similar concerns (I'm nearly 28 weeks). I very much like the idea of the immediate time after birth being the three of us. Definitely no hospital visitors (will be in the local MLU - so could be discharged as soon as 6 hours after)!

There is a good chance that my parents will be asked to collect us from the hospital and drive us home, but I have had a good chat with them and they respect the fact that we probably won't want them to stick around for long. They live about an hour away and my brother lives in the same town as me, so coming to visit isn't a huge palaver.

OH's parents are a different matter. FIL has already made comments that they will be packing the suitcases as soon as I go into labour, and nothing we can say will stop them. They live over three hours away, so a visit is far more of a production (no popping in for just an hour etc).

OH has told me that what I want in terms of visitors is what happens. He has stated that, if they won't respect our decision as to when people visit, we will not be telling his parents until three weeks after the baby arrives :).

This is the same FIL that is still under the misguided belief that, 8 weeks after I give birth, I will be single-handedly setting up and decorating their massive back garden for BIL's wedding reception....

I'll soon be putting my foot down about who can visit and when! As this is our second though, we will need the in laws to take ds when I go into Labour. I'd like it to be me and hubby first, then ds and, when I'm ready, other people. It was a mess after ds was born. We were only Home a couple of hours, I was in nighty on couch unable to move and leaking everywhere and mil turned up with Nan in law unannounced. I was pretty pissed off about that. They stayed about an hour but it seemed like an eternity and felt pretty invasive. I've warned dh it won't happen again and he agreed but I've yet to figure out specific instructions. If my family lived nearby, they would absolutely take precedence over in laws. It's the woman in a vulnerable state so she gets priority. When you have a son you should understand these things, I do!

Ugh, this is such a minefield in my family. Same situation - first child, first grandchild on both sides. My mother is insisting that she wants to know when I'm going into labour so she can come and sit outside the maternity room door and (presumably) rush in within seconds of the baby being born. It takes intrusiveness to a new level. I'm just nodding and smiling but will do what I want when the time comes and damn the consequences - it's my baby (It's YOUR baby, OP!!!) and my choice. Just hope I have the guts to stick to it!

I have already been very outspoken with the DH about visitors after the birth so he is under NO illusions. If i want help i will ask for it but i really do not want anyone camped outside hospital/home when i am in labour.

haven't told the families i am pregnant yet! i am a very private person so certainly will not be allowing them to get needy and grabby with my newborn.

i have told a close friend im pregnant (she is too) and that i plan on having a home birth. she is now saying "I'll have to call up" "I'll have to see this" etc as she is anti-homebirth and thinks im a 'wally' (her words) so far i have smiled and nodded. there is no way in hell she will know im in labour unless my waters break while in her company. I will be in labour not putting on a stage show for her amusement!

assuming my homebirth goes ahead and there are no complications all blinds will be down, door bell disconnected and phones on silent. nobody will be entering my safe little bubble.

if its a hospital birth i will be making it VERY clear to the staff that DH will be the only person permitted into my room. when we are ready we will phone the families and arrange visiting times. which will be short and then a visitor ban for at least a week to allow me to bond with the baby.

I think it is so important the your DP is on your side and understands how tired/sore you will be and how much breastfeeding needs to take precedent in the first few days for it to be successful.