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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Pregnancy soon after losing one's own mum

8 replies

Sussex31 · 01/02/2014 22:40

I lost my mum to cancer last summer and fell pregnant with my first child shortly afterwards.

Obviously it has been a tough time all round and I am actually coping pretty well considering, but just wondered if anyone else had experienced the same, and had any strategies for making things easier.

A friend whose mum died some years ago told me that NCT was going to be hard, as they recommend ways for grandma to help out after the birth, and such like.

I feel better knowing beforehand that this might be the kind of thing that comes up, so I can prepare myself and maybe have a quiet word with the course leader.

Would appreciate any words of advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sussex31 · 01/02/2014 22:41

Meant to add - my DH is a complete rock so I couldn't wish for more support in that respect.

OP posts:
Fishandjam · 01/02/2014 22:47

Not exactly a parallel situation: my mum was absent for both my pregnancies (she has dementia and is in a care home). I knew that DH and I would be largely on our own anyway as my mum and I weren't close in that way. I'm sorry that you lost your mum when you were obviously close to her.

I did NCT classes and I don't recall any mention of grandmas. Maybe it varies class to class?

On the practical side, I hired a postnatal doula who was an absolute lifesaver.

delphi13 · 01/02/2014 23:08

Hi
I lost my mum 2 weeks before finding out I was pregnant. I have also coped quite well. I still cry most days but not uncontrollably, mainly when I've got a bit of time to myself. I've found the baby has helped me have a different focus, probably also stopped me from drinking vast quantities of wine to cheer myself up. Sadly my dad is now ill and it looks like he won't make it to May when the baby is due. Life really sucks sometimes but having a baby will hopefully be the kind of distraction we need to get through it. Whilst we'll definitely feel the loss when they aren't there to meet our babies, I'm hoping to see little bits of my mum and dad in my babies personality.

Mumtonone · 01/02/2014 23:13

I'm five weeks away from due date, and also have a Mum with advanced dementia. While not coping with bereavement in the traditional sense of the word, it is as Fishndjam suggests similar (lost Dad to dementia just over two years ago, and strangely his death was 'easier' to cope with than certain aspects of his illness).

Pregnancy is such an emotional roller coaster, often made easier with your nearest and dearest around you to share the up and downs. Allow yourself the space to miss your Mum and the advice and support she would be emparting.

I've found it difficult when people ask if my parents are excited, or if this is the first grand child. Not necessary because its upsetting, I'm learning to cope quite well, but it's an awkward conversation to have when explaining my parents aren't about and it's mostly to people I don't know that well!?!

I'm not looking forward to hospital visits when other new Mums will have lots of visitors and I won't (only child, and hubby's family are estranged).

It's important that you OH understands how you feel, knows when you need the extra support and can field other people's sometime tactless (but innocent and well meaning) questions. I've also made sure my midwife and consultant know the family situ, to minimise any 'foot in mouth' incidents!

And remember your Mum would be estatic for you and your soon to be new arrival, take some comfort in that if nothing else.

Original poster
Sussex31 · 01/02/2014 23:17

fishandjam Thank you for replying and for the doula tip. I hadn't considered a doula. I can see the similarities in your situation and it is heartbreaking.

delphi So sorry to hear about your mum, and now your dad too. I hope he takes comfort in your little one being on the way. I get upset in the quiet moments too - washing up and bathtime are both common cry times for me!

Feel free to PM me if needed at any time :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Sussex31 · 01/02/2014 23:25

mumtonone Thank you for your comments, some very good advice there. My DH's parents live overseas so I think we will be short on visitors at the hospital too. Still, not long til you can enjoy snuggles with your soon-to-be-here little one!

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FifiLeBoo · 01/02/2014 23:30

Hi sorry to hear about your mum. I fell pregnant a couple of months after my mum died with my first child, surprisingly 10 years later I fell pregnant with my 3rd child a couple of months after my dad died. I was on the pill taking it religiously both times. I know t sounds a bit woo but I sort of felt that my parents had chosen who would take their place in the world it was a thought that comforted me.

I'm sorry I can't offer more practical help but a doula ma be an idea.

FifiLeBoo · 01/02/2014 23:30

Hi sorry to hear about your mum. I fell pregnant a couple of months after my mum died with my first child, surprisingly 10 years later I fell pregnant with my 3rd child a couple of months after my dad died. I was on the pill taking it religiously both times. I know t sounds a bit woo but I sort of felt that my parents had chosen who would take their place in the world it was a thought that comforted me.

I'm sorry I can't offer more practical help but a doula ma be an idea.

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