Positive POAS. Not good. Help?

[OhChrist]

Hello, I've namechanged for this. I guess I'm about 6 weeks but my periods have been sporadic since they only came back in October (I'm still BFing dd born last January). So its a guess.

I'm 99.9% sure I don't want another. It'd be my 5th . DP is 50/50 (I think he's still in the "puffing his chest out about being so fucking virile" stage of the news). My last two pregnancies were riddled with problems, from major SPD and insulin dependent gestational diabetes to daily migraines and nasal passage inflammation that meant I couldn't sleep. The youngest two are only 3 and 1 years old. I'm also 42. I just can't do it again.

Oh, and ironically we are waiting for DP's vasectomy appt which is soon. we were not doing much sexing, and using (what we thought were) safe times. (What a pair of fools)

I'm basically just looking for some fellow feeling. I can't tell anybody in RL. My family are still reeling from my sisters baby being stillborn last year so to tell my mum I need to get a termination would send her over the edge.

So I've just made the appointment. The consultation is not til the middle of February (they had sooner but DP can't get out of work til then) This is going to be the longest two+ weeks of my life. I feel so sad that I'm hoping for a miscarriage.

Does anyone out there have any personal experiences of this they don't mind sharing?

I'm so sorry OP, sounds like such a difficult situation.
Have you decided that a termination is the only option? I won't try and talk you out of it because I'm sure you have thought everything through. Do you feel like your family needs to know? I don't think you need that additional stress. Can your DP support you through this?

Hi OhChrist,

I am sorry you are going through this. I had an abortion a few years ago (this would have been my first), I was terrified but had made my choice (I did tell my Mum and although she tried to be supportive she did not understand my decision, this has never caused a problem with our relationship, it has stayed the same. I told her because I wanted to talk to her, she wasn't that helpful though and I had already made up my mind so if I had to go through that again I wouldn't tell her! I had my sister to talk to she was great and as for BF at the time he didn't want kids either and was as supportive as he could be, we are no longer together but was over long before I got pregnant). The choice is personal and everyone will have their own reasons, I was certain that this was what i wanted/needed to do at the time for my personal reasons and I have no regrets. It was not a pleasant experience, I decided to go to a private clinic in Manchester, it was a 5 hour driver (and the closest one to me) over the NHS, I just remember not wanting to speak to my Doctor as when I got the pregnancy confirmed I think I blurted out there and then I couldn't do it (although was still in shook, even after a couple of weeks thinking about it I did not change my mind), and I don't think she was very happy (although I was not very confident back then, did not speak out/stand up for myself etc so the Doctor being unsupportive etc could just have been my state of mind at the time as I was in a very confusing place around about then anyway. I would not go private again, the procedure went fine, took all of 5 minutes and I never had any bad after affects etc and recovered really well (I did not have the pill that you can get on the NHS as I lived too far from the clinic and was unsure anyway about the effect of going through that) However the private centre was like a conveyor belt, waiting room, room to wait in and get ready, room for procedure, room to wait until you feel ready to walk - It was eerie watching these women go through that 'conveyor belt' of rooms and know that you were next. overall I do not regret my decision and should I ever make the same decision again I will go and see my Doctor and talk about going through NHS before I would even consider private again - it was a hard time and the clinic was a demoralising experience at an already difficult time. Think I have waffled a bit, sorry.

I hope all goes well for you.

Hey OP. Sorry you're going through this, especially when it sounds as though you've done just about everything possible to avoid ending up here. I don't blame you for choosing termination - sounds like the only option for you really. If I were, given your family's recent circumstances, I probably wouldn't tell anyone other than DP. Could he and/or a close female friend support you emotionally do you think? My only advice would be to have it done asap - I had a tough time recovering from mine, but that was at 14 weeks, and people who had it done much earlier seemed to have an easier time. Best of luck.

OP you poor thing. I agree with the previous poster. Keep it quiet from your family and lean on DP and maybe a good girlfriend. When I had mine at 5 weeks gone I only told one friend and my DP. I've told other friends since but still not told my family.

I went NHS and it was pretty straight forward.
Just a few days of bad pain. Only had one day off work. For me it was the right decision at the time and I don't regret it at all.
You have to do the right thing for you and your body. Don't let what is happening in your family cloud your decision.
At the time of my termination my best friend was going through her second miscarriage which made me feel bloody awful but I had to do what was right.

Good luck, I hope it goes well for you.

Hi op,

Firstly don't feel sad that you want the decision taken from you

I had similar several years back i was 20 and used Marie Stopes in Bristol which was several hours from where i lived at the time, that would have been my first child
I was just shy of 9 weeks and had a pill then had to go back the next day for another, they were wonderful, kind people, professional but caring

I couldn't speak to family about it nor my partner at the time and tried to deal with it on my own, this was a mistake, even if the person i was talking to was a complete stranger to me talking would have helped especially as a few years after my EX twisted everything saying i moved because i went against his wish's to keep the child when in actual fact he agreed but didn't want anything to do with the process

Don't feel pressured into telling others or pretending that everything is ok when you feel bad

and please if you do feel like you want talk in more detail PM me as im happy to help in any way i can xx

Hi OP,

I really feel for you. I had to POAS earlier this week and thank God it came up negative. I had already gone through the 'oh shit' cycle and was seriously thinking about terminating.

We also are waiting for a vasectomy appointment.

You have to do what is right for you, and for your existing children.

Hi again and thankyou all for responding. I really appreciate it.

Blacklily I'm grateful for your waffling! thankyou for sharing your story. I have thought about going private but the lady I spoke to said the waiting times aren't that different for nhs and private and we are close to our local hospital so no travelling.

I get incredible support from DP but I don't really have any close friends. Well, I have one. She's going through some tough times at the moment with her relationship and daughter though so I don't know whether to inflict this on her.

I've been reading up about the procedure and, given that I have two little ones to look after, the best option i think would be a surgical procedure. Sounds worse than "just" taking a tablet. I'm trying to think of it like a root canal or something. Gotta be done.

Charlie, thanks for that. I know I am a sort of "put up and shut up" type of person and I'd rather just get on with it than bother anyone (thank god for MN!)too. I'm sorry your ex was a cunt but I guess they invariably are. You're very kind. Ill be in touch.

Ali, you are so right. In considering my other dcs I know I have to terminate. I hope you get your vs appt soon.

You've made your decision and you just have to get on with it. It's not a great place to be in, wishing away a baby when, as a mother, you already know and understand the value of life and family. So I'm sorry that you are struggling with those emotions. But really, you've just got to detach. I went through this with our 3rd because a CVS revealed chromosomal abnormalities. Went through a TFMR at 13 weeks. It was very sad, disappointing, but "it is what it is" as they say. And what this is is your choice. Just make sure your other half is not 50/50 when D-day comes. He needs to be fully committed to this alongside you. Otherwise resentment could rear its head. Good luck and just get through the other side.

If you know you are making the right decision, you are making the right decision. Please please make sure before and after you talk to a professional, the counselling they give you as part of the process is non existent. I had an abortion 18 months ago, I was single and was only 90% sure who the father was, I had a new job to start, 2 children I was already struggling with and knew I couldn't have coped with another and a job and whether I took the job or not was already financially at a point where I couldn't afford to eat everyday. I know I made the right decision. Now I am pregnant again but very happy, in a massively better situation and in a happy relationship (with who I most likely fell pregnant with first time round) I feel guilty as hell and had a few guilt issues over the gender of baby and tormenting myself with what if the baby had have been a..? Etc. I also feel more at ease with what i did, now that I can see how I am in a better position now as felt broody after the procedure until just before I fell pregnant and wondered if it was the right decision. But equally I knew I still wanted another child one day. Sorry this post is probably a confusing mess, I'm hormonal, haven't spoke about the procedure previously and am sat in the car about to pick my kids up from school! My point is, you know it's the right decision for everyone, and another difficult pregnancy/baby isn't going to be ideal on the children you already have to look after, but you will feel guilty so if you go ahead make sure you get someone to talk to.

OhChrist Sooo glad to hear that DP is being supportive men like him make everything easier, men like my ex just aren't worth the air they breath

Big hugs from me xxx

Your welcome ohchrist and good luck I wish you the best. I had the surgical procedure and recovered very quickly, I was 6-7 weeks at the time.