Have you lost friends as a result to pregnancy / having children?

[Hubbythecatandme]

I have a lot of female friends in their mid to late 30s, early40s who aren't in relationships but who used to desperately want children and now seem to have given up. I am wondering what they are going to be like towards hubby and I when we have baba.
I am wondering if the huge room the baby is already taking into our life is going to be something that makes us closer to people with kids but further from friends without?
What are your experiences?

I drifted apart from a lot of childless friends when I had DS, he's now 3 and although things have improved slightly I'm still not as close to them as I used to be - I've made lots of new friends through baby groups etc though so overall I've probably got more friends now than before I had him.

I've not had my baby yet (36 weeks) but my friend had abaua ccouple of years ago and was the first in our group. think it depends on the person, she still saw us and made an effort to come out when she could and didn't talk soley about her baby. we obviously went to hers a lot more as well. she has also made a few new mum friends so I think it's a balancing act and a desire to keep the kld friendships alive.

sorry about typos stupid phone

I have lost my best horsey friend. She had no dcs and no desire to have any. She was mildly supportive over my mc, but had been frankly horrible at times during this pg. Yes I have stepped back and let DD take over a bit more, but she never phones or texts, barely replies when I do, and Im sure is bad mouthing me behind my back.
Frankly, ive got bigger fish to fry and if she wants to behave like that it's fine by me.
I'm sad really, we've been really close for a decade or so, but she only has room in her life for horses. I have a life too and u dint think she likes it.

I seem to notice that some of my cat lady friends (I am / was a cat lady) seem to be more travelling with their friends, going to the pub, partying more whereas hubby and I love spending time at home together. I think the majority of our friends will be supportive, come to see us etc but I think when we plan "play dates" with friends with lil ones maybe they'll not enjoy this as much?
We'll see, I am sure it will all work out fine.
saggy not good about bad mouthing, not worth spending time with people who stab you in the back....

I had two babies both SN which was obviously devastating. I had a small group of friends I did everything with, they made me laugh a lot and we shared loads of crazy times, but unfortunately as soon as it was obvious my dcs were different things unravelled. I had one friend (my best friend) who in response to my DDs diagnosis said at least she's not in a wheelchair which was a horrible thing to say and something I really struggled to forgive. The rest just withdrew apart from the occasional bit of dodgy advice. 15 years later they are Facebook acquaintences and nothing else. I miss them all desperately and I'm so sad that they left me to it. I understand it, but I can't forgive it. So yes, having kids does change things, often in a good way but sometimes not.
But if I had the chance to change things, I wouldn't. My dcs mean the world to me and I've never regretted a minute of it

Not to drip feed, but sometimes you just want another girl to hold your hand, even if nothing can change, just to be a mate. Shame really.

Aww cake that sounds terrible. I have done a lot of supply teaching in SEN schools and yup I can completely imagine some of the things other people would say about kids with Aspergers etc, just because you can't see it doesn't mean it's not there and these children do need extra support and you need to adapt to ensure you don't disturb their routines, communicate better with them etc.
I think having kids probably sorts out the "real" friends and the acquaintainces?

yes it does, having dcs is usually a wonderful time where you chat about the different development stages and laugh at their funny ways, but I just got the pitying looks from strangers and the standard visits with professionals (by the ton! ) it's all water under the bridge now 15 years on, but it still hurts and I still miss sitting with a pizza and a bottle of wine talking rubbish with my girls. Children do change things, and once you take the

Plunge (damn this phone) you have to live with the outcome. But still definitely no regrets x

I think life changes bring friend changes as well. Lifestyles no longer fit and the friendships drift. Nothing malicious or deliberate, just a shift and drift.

After my 1st child I lost a lot of friends but after my second a few people came back onto the scene and since then I talk to them on Facebook, or calling them but hardly seem to see them. They always visited our other friend that had children or went out with them but never really bothered with me, but I hate when childless people think they know what they are talking about when you try to disapline your child. I would have them basically critasizing every method of my parenting so I refused to have them around my children

I found that being pregnant either makes people nice to you or horrible, other half says their jealous, but it's actually quite upsetting. My best friend has backed off loads , I make sure that I make every effort to phone or just drop a text ( nothing baby related ) but get stern responses and when he does eventually ask about me or baby it's all done toungue in cheek or she gives menu wanted advice( not got any children) so I e backed off as I m hormonal enough . So I think when baby is here ( my excitement can just about be contained) I don't think she ll b the first to be round but that's fine . It's ashame as I ve always tried to be there for her x

That's the worst part isn't it really my best friend was dating my boyfriends brother when I fell pregnant the first time and she refused to speak to me because I was pregnant and then when they split she bothered for a little while until she got married now she turns up her nose at me every time she sees me but she's got a few children of her own. I kind of choose to keep to myself now. Once I announce this pregnancy I'll have everybody trying to be involved again and I hate that part.

It doesnt have to. Im friends with the same friends and do the same things I always did. I still work and life just has our children in it rather than our children being the only thing in our life.

Agree with billy.

In the last 4 years I've has children, moved out of the town I grew up in and stopped going into an office daily. Those changes to my life have impacted on my friendships, but it would have been a bit odd if they hadn't. Even without the move, I'd have expected it as I no longer wish to commit so much time to the pub. An some of my friends with children have such a different approach to parenting we have drifted apart. It's quite difficult to carry on being friends with someone when one of you is sitting out of hearing from their baby, getting drunk and the other wants to be in range of the baby monitor

I am totally indifferent to the fact these changes have come about. I have less time for friendship these days and those people with whom I continue to be friends with are plenty.

My friends with children have been brilliant, because they know what having a newborn is like first hand, but pretty much all of my non-baby friends (like you, in 30/40s) have also been lovely.
I really don't think that anyone has been jealous or standoffish. There are things that it's impractical to try to join in with, but their lives go on!

I have mostly friends with children (I have none). We have still stayed as strong as ever. You just have to change the way you meet up. We now do dinner party's and sleep overs at theirs so not to disturb the kids in bed. I love meeting up with all the mums on maternity leave for coffee. They never make me feel left out or different. It's a two way thing. Is it possible that new mums make less effort with their childless friends?

I think you may be right mabelandrose that new mums sometimes make less effort with childless friends- have been slightly on the receiving end of this despite being supportive and interested in both the pregnancy and the little one ( including driving for 3.5 hours on several occasions to visit). However when the friend came 'home' to visit it was a meet up with the baby crowd only, couldn't possibly manage to see us!
I understand that there are things only new or existing mums will understand, and actually I'm not currently that interested in the colour of baby poo, but when my bump arrives I'm keeping any friend who'll have me!

It's not limited to having or not having babies.

For many people as their circumstances change so friendships change, some fading, some rising, some drifting away, new ones drifting in. Unless you've lived in the same place your whole life (and even if you have) if you look back over 20 or 30 years it is very likely that a lot of people have drifted in and drifted out of your life. Having a baby versus not having one is just one thing that can alter your life in a way that changes the dynamic of your friendships.

A friend of mine decided that she could no longer be friends with me because I had got married and had my DS. We had lived together through my teacher training and helped each other through some terrible times (and happy ones). Those were her actual words about why we couldn't be friends, so I'm not reading anything into her behaviour. It hurt A LOT. It's not that she was trying for a baby or anything like that, she just couldn't cope with my life changing. I had tried so hard to maintain the friendship (she even came to my wedding, I was pregnant at that time). I was so hurt by it and cried a lot.
I'm now pregnant with my second dc and another "friend" has totally distanced herself and made some really nasty comments (she has a dd herself).
For me, having a baby really sorted out who were my friends and who weren't. Sad but true!!

Nothing's really changed for me friendship-wise. A couple of my uni friends have kids too, but actually I'm closer to the ones without kids. They dote on my DS and are over the moon that I have a DD on the way. My beat friend in the whole wide world is a globe-trotting party animal and we used to be a proper state when we went out together. Now she does that stuff with other people while we tend to have lunch/tea and cake with DS in tow, but the gossip is the same and again, she can't wait until DD joins us - I'd even say she's more thrilled than I am!

I've also got loads of new mummy friends too. My social life is as busy as before. I guess that the friends who matter will always make time for you, and it helps if you don't turn into someone who can only talk about baby stuff...

I've just lost my best friend of the last 3 years. Before I knew her she had 2 x m-c, at 12 and 13 weeks respectively. We did talk about this when I first found out I was pg. She insisted she was OK and had come to terms with what happened to her. I really needed a friend over Xmas, was staying with her in Sydney (where she now lives). Things got tough and she told me I was ruining her holiday and if I wanted to say in Australia I should go and do my own thing. So I came home (Asia at the moment). She's subsquently deleted me from facebook and from her skype contact list. I don't really have the headspace to deal with her at the moment (far too much going on that's immediately pressing). But am v v sad that it's come to this.

SIL to be hasn't spoken to me since we first announced the pregnancy. OH and her DH have said she's really struggling as they're TTC and having issues, and I know this pregnancy being unplanned isn't going to help matters. Lately it seems like she's angry at me for being pregnant - she blanks me totally as much as possible, but talks to OH all the time and it seems like nothing's changed between them. Makes me worry that even when the baby's born, she'll want to see OH and the baby but not me I was her bridesmaid and now feel like I've betrayed her by getting pregnant unexpectedly.

Things are really really crap with was-best friend and housemate too. We were best friends, then I told her I was pregnant and we moved in together and she's turned on me completely. All our mutual friends have turned on her a bit because of her behaviour so I feel sorry for her, but they've all said it's because she's jealous. This pregnancy is unplanned and we are totally unprepared so it seems weird to me that she would be jealous, so maybe I just don't understand it. Living with her is hellish because she constantly makes jibes at my OH about him being 'to blame' for all this, and regularly comes out with the 'pregnancy is not an illness' line and says she doesn't care if I'm pregnant, it shouldn't stop me lifting heavy items etc.