Surprise pregnancy, please come and talk to me. :(

[panickingrightnow]

Hello, I just (as in, 5 minutes ago) found out that I'm pregnant, and now I really don't know what to do...
So, I have been living with my partner for 3 years. He has a son who is six and I have a good relationship with, I guess I am kind of like a 'fun aunt' figure and I get on okay with his mum.
When I met my partner he always said he didn't want any more kids... Later on in the relationship when we were becoming long term I made it clear that it was a deal breaker for me later on in life and he changed his mind that he would consider them with me later if we were financially well off.
He often to's and fro's about this, and lately has been very negative about it. He says although he loves his son he hates being a parent, because he thinks he isn't very good at it, it leaves him guilty, and he finds it extremely draining.
I am on the pill and I have never had any problems before on it, I don't know how this happened. What if I missed one and it is my fault? I am worried he will accuse me of this.
Even more worrying for me is that he might accuse me of doing it on purpose because he knows how much I love babies and children, and I talk about having kids fairly often.
Also, we are not financially well off because I lost my job a few weeks ago, and his contract ends in August. Although, he is currently waiting on the result of a job interview which would give him a good salary and I believe in him that he will get something because he is very good at what he does.
Oh- and I am only 21. I know some of you have daughters that age so that probably seems really young. I only finished university in June. He is older than me though.
I really don't know what to do. I am so scared to tell him. I don't know how far along I am because my pill normally stops my period and we have regular sex. I have been getting these weird stomach lurches/abdominal pain and sore boobs though which is why I took a pregnancy test. I am worried he will be very unhappy with me and accuse me of doing it on purpose and leave me. Maybe I am being unfair to him, but I just don't know. I couldn't bare moving back in with my parents because we really don't get on.
And I haven't even got my head screwed on enough to consider whether to keep it yet. The idea of getting an abortion frightens me, I think because deep in my heart I am very excited about the day I have a child so I feel awful about aborting it, even though it is probably only a speck right now.
But on the other hand, it seems like the wrong thing to do practically. I would want my child to have a chance at his/her parents being together, which I would obviously not have if my DP didn't stand by me.
Yikes. I don't know what I want exactly from this thread, just advice or someone to tell really. I have tried not to drip feed but please forgive me if I have forgotten something. Please be nice to me because I am a bit out of it at the moment.

You can talk it through here, it must be a big shock.

If he is adamant that he does not want to have a baby with you - the relationship is on very rocky ground TBH - either you terminate, resent him and break up or keep it, he resents you and you break up.

If that were to happen, would you rather have had the baby or had the termination?

Are you looking for a job at the moment? I think that would be a good idea, you need to feel more equal in the relationship and if he is earning, you are not plus you have an unplanned pregnancy you will feel especially dependent on him.

You're not in a very easy situation atm, that much is for sure, but you may be underestimating your DP: he may be a lot more supportive than you think. I'd be strongly inclined to tell him in your position (and I've been there) as then you KNOW how he'll react and how you'll feel then, and you have the possibility of support from him too. If you've been taking the Pill correctly, you have no need to feel guilty: unfortunately these things happen and you're both equally responsible for that - it takes and egg and a sperm!

Think about how you'd feel if you had an abortion. An abortion doesn't take you back to never having been pregnant and, speaking from experience, the hormonal come-down can be horrendous and leave you feeling very depressed. Mind, I was 14 weeks when I had mine, and I believe it tends to easier the earlier you have it. In terms of regret, I don't really regret having a termination. I regret being in the situation I was in and feeling I had no choice, but termination was absolutely the right choice at the time and I never could have coped otherwise. I'm pregnant again now and things are much better now, which has really reinforced my belief that I did the right thing at the time.

Thanks for the reply,

Its hard to decide whether I would prefer to be with him or have the baby. I feel like I can't think rationally about either of them, because I romanticise them. I think it would depend upon what kind of life I would have as a single mother. I don't actually know any single mothers apart from DP's ex!

There are times when he has spoken about seeing having another child as having a second chance to be a good dad (I think he already is to his son, but he is so guilty about the divorce because he went through a particularly nasty one himself as a child). This is rare though.

I am looking for a job right now... Infact, that's what I was doing before these bloody red lines came and threw a spanner in the works. I was applying for a primary PGCE for next year as well, (I am waiting to hear back after some interviews) so I don't know if I would be able to do that anymore. I would have put it off for a year though anyway if DP gets a job a long way away.

That is also something which has been on my mind - will someone employ me if I am pregnant? And I wouldn't be able to get a job with any maternity leave at this late stage right? These are all things I need to research.

I think you need to find out how far along you are, are you able to talk to your gp or a local epu (early pregnancy unit)? They may be able to arrange a scan or blood test to give you some idea.

For your partner I'd tell him what you told us, that you've been taking your pill and you don't know how this happened. Remind him that no contraception is 100%.

It sounds like he loves his son but is worried that he isn't a good father, most of his fears and not wanting kids may be tied up in this and you may need to discuss to find out his real feelings. Things can change when their is a real positive test rather than a theoretical discussion.

Good luck and we're here to talk, no judgement.

Rara, I hope you're right! I am nervous on the prospect of an abortion. I think I could accept the early pill kind much more easily, so I need to get in a rush to make my mind up.

A sudden and dramatic surprise! But although you are very confused about how your partner will take the news, you do seem as if you want to keep the baby. Sadly, contraception can fail, even when taking it properly. I think the quoted statistics for the combined pill is around 99%, which means that 1 women in 100 will get pregnant over a year of correct use! Just missing 1 pill, taking certain medications and possibly losing a pill if you vomited after taking it can increase the likelihood of getting pregnant. The only certain method of avoiding pregnancy is celibacy - and that is probably wouldn't be exceptable to your partner! So he has played his part in this too. I just wish men really understood the reality of the situation that when they get their cocks out, there is a possibility that their partner will conceive.

Right now, you need to take small steps - speak to him in a situation where you both can talk calmly.

You say you have no idea when you conceived, so go to the GP so you can organise a dating scan.

And finally, if you decide to keep the baby, but find you have to do this on your own, you will not damage the child! There are many fantastic mums who are successful single parents. Only you can make the decision about bringing this child into the world.

All the best xxx

OP

My dh was a bit like this, 2 of our dc are much older and dd is 10 now.
It was also a shock for us as we were much older and me menopausal.
We had done babies, next would be grand children and dh had said things previously about thinking he wasn't a good dad, as he had worked away so much and found some aspects of parenting difficult etc.

He was adamant no more dc.
He absolutely dotes on dd, they are almost inseparable and the little monkey has him wrapped round her finger.
Ocassionally he will say, to think he didn't want more dc and where would we be without her.
He may surprise you when the shock is finally over.. I never thought mine would change his mind.

Only gives great advice here OP.

Thank you for the support, onlyfortonight. I had always fantasised about having a baby before but now it has become real I feel so confused. I will try and find a situation where I can talk to him although it is tempting (and daft, I know) to try and put it off.

I guess I have heard horror stories about boyfriends turning into monsters when their girlfriend tells them they are pregnant unplanned! Maybe I have been on the internet too much.

Flyaway, good point about his feelings changing with a real positive... I would be surprised but it makes sense. I'm a little daunted by talk of scans etc.! I find my GP is a bit unapproachable, so maybe I will look into the EPU option (which I hadn't heard of until now)!

Ours was sort of unplanned (it happened a year or so earlier than planned) we had plans to move etc and my dp didnt have a job at the time, we had just had to close our business down so i dreaded telling him and a few months earlier we had a scare and he said to me "you know we will have to have an abortion because we have no money and we need to move" so i was concerned he would feel the same but when your actually faced with the reality of it, it all seems a bit different and although was shocked and "how are we going to do this" we have got this far and he found a good job.
Talk to him and maybe give him some space to figure it out!

Oh and Congratulations

Hello everyone, I doubt anyone will still be around but I just wanted to do a follow up and say thanks for the advice you all gave me...

I finally told my DP today. I put it off for a couple of days because I was finding it hard to come to terms with and I wanted to try another test just to mentally reaffirm it for myself!

I am feeling quite relieved right now and I was impressed by how calmly he took it. He asked me if it was honestly an accident and when I said it was he seemed to accept it. He was very shocked and went quiet for a good while. He asked what I wanted to do and when I said I didn't know he didn't try and push me into anything, but suggested we should wait to hear back from the job interview he recently had before we make any decisions, so it sounds like he would be happy to keep it as long as we are financially able to support it. He is finishing a post-doc and is applying for university lectureships, so anyone who has any experience of this will know that that makes the difference between living on the breadline and living quite comfortably.

I think since he reacted so well I am getting more and more reluctant to go down the abortion route. He even managed a joke that it must have happened because he has such strong sperm! Yes, dear.

Meanwhile, I have seriously cranked up the heat with applying for jobs for myself, because even if I am not going to be on my own I would still like to do some saving so it wouldn't have to sleep in a drawer and wear pillowcases while we sort out our cash flow.

I am trying to book myself in with the EPA but neither they nor my GP open until Monday so that's frustrating for me!

I know this wasn't what he wanted to happen next in his life by a long stretch, but I am feeling quite loved up about the fact he responded so supportively in spite of that.

Lots of to all of you!

Oh yes, I am the OP, not a weirdo. Don't see the point in a namechange when it's turned out okay!

Aww I'm really glad things are ok, OP. I hope everything continues to go well.